Seven Years Clean…

Seven long years as of yesterday.

After I posted yesterday it clicked in my head it was the seventh anniversary of the last time I ever used.  I read back through my entries seven years ago.  Man, was I a mess or what.  A complete disaster.  

I remember feeling like I’d never make it past a couple weeks.  One hundred days seemed humanly impossible.  Never in my mind did I think I’d ever make it to a year, much less seven years.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it.  Some days I still miss being high.  I still miss the numbness, feeling like I could conquer the world.  But I don’t miss the paranoia, the constant threat of jail or death, the stupid me.  But the days I miss it are few and far between now.  I function without it.  I do better then I would have ever possibly done if I’d of continued to get high.  

It was obvious to me, while reading, that I switched getting high for getting drunk.  I used alcohol to come down, alcohol to cope, alcohol to stay clean.  *sigh*  Not the best idea, but I guess if it’s what it took then it was the best of the worst options.  I’m thrilled to be able to say I’ve been sober for what, a couple years now?  Now binge drinking is over, my blacking out is over.  A beer every once in a great while. (I think I’ve had 10 beers max in the last two years?  No shots.  No mixed drinks.)  Yes, I’d have to say I’ve finally grown up.

It hasn’t been easy.  Facing emotions and life head on is a whole new, painful experience.  But I’d say it’s been better.  It’s been more satisfying.  It’s been easier than if I’d of repressed the emotions and just gotten high or trashed to deal with them.  

If I could go back in time would I have never gotten high that first time?  Would I say no & never go down that path of evil destruction?  No.  It made me who I am.  It taught me an entirely different kind of fight in life.  It gave me the tools to succeed.  Yeah, it’d of been easier but I don’t think I’d of came as far.  I have no doubts I wouldn’t have.

My one and only regret is missing out on my children’s first years of life.  I wish I could take that part back.  I wish I could remember clearly their baby years and not the fact it’s a mental fog that I can barely remember at all.  That’s my biggest regret and always will be.  But again, I’m thankful we’ve came this far.  I’m thankful their happy little boys.  

Reading through the old entries made me think of many of the old people in those entries.  The people I truly considered my friends at one point in life.  The main characters all have the same fate… Death or Jail.  Tof, ahhhhhh, I was so into him…. Prison last I knew.  Dustin, the one I dated, who introduced me to all these evil people & the true evils of meth 150%… Suicide.  Hard to believe he’s been gone for nearly four years already.  I still miss him.  Cole – Prison.  "The nice guy" as one of my faithful noters had put it, the short lived romance… Dead due to an alcohol related crash.  Mandy – Who knows, last I knew she’d lost custody of her kids.  K – He’s still around.  On parole for like his 4th or 5th DUI.  He may be sober, maybe not.  But I did see a picture of him the other day on good ol’ facebook and he looks really good.

Knowing their fates makes me happy to beat the statistics, but sad at the same time.  I wish all of them could conquer the addiction too.  Yet, I know it’ll never happen.  Upon release from prison they’ll all be back to square one.  🙁  I do miss the friends I thought I had.  Even though realistically I know they were never my true friends, but I can’t help but miss it.  I guess I miss the "feeling" of them has friends.  Yes, I know it was the most superficial friendships in the entire world.

But the moral of this story is….

I’ve rose above all odds.  

I’ve been clean for 7 years.  I received a college degree.  I still have full custody of my amazing kids.  I got married.  I have a full-time job helping other people.  I do community service work.  I fully support myself without any government assistance.

Yes, I’ve been all the statistics that were completely and utterly against me! 🙂