Seriously Rambling – Squirrel?

Out of quarantine and still super healthy. Imagine that. I expect quarantine will be a repetitive experience as the school year begins. I truly don’t understand how it’ll work once the kids are in classes. Someone will get COVID. Everyone will quarantine. They’ll go back. Repeat. I understand that quarantining is to stop the spread – Yet we don’t quarantine with influenza. The mixed information is enough to drive a person crazy. I still haven’t worn a mask – Yet, the cases I’m aware of who are positive are mask wearers. Sooooo, I’m going with the theory – Nobody has any fucking idea.

You do you. I’ll do me. Let’s just resume life. Please and thank you.

Technically I’ve realized I social distance on a normal basis. Thus that’s why I’m really not affected who have I saw this week…… My kids. My husband. The lady who works down the hall, talking at a distance much more than six feet. The college recruiter. Again, more than six feet, I didn’t get up to greet him. No hand shakes. No farewells. My friend Stacy. That’s it. A normal week the college guy wouldn’t exist either. I’ve been to the Mexican Restaurant, (small) Brewery, Office where I work alone and home. No grocery stores. No events. No busy locations. (Really, that’s all I’ve done in over 2 weeks at this point. Same people. Same places.) Chances are I’ll still be okay tomorrow. The real chances are my kid will bring this home from school when school starts – Because that’s how H1N1 and Influenza A/B went. I expect the same outcome this go around. So – until then. I’m doing me. I’m literally living my life as normal as I possibly can.

This weeks reminder of my beautiful friend – My new client. Her name is the same.  It’s not a popular name. I’ve never had a client with the same name. I’ve only known another person with the same name and spelling in all these years. Yet, here she was. Same name. Young girl. And her son has the same name as my grandson. Same weird spelling and all. Like K’s up their saying – Don’t ignore this bitch. I’m watching you guys. See, I even know Jax. She won’t be my client for long as she already has a job. But she was my client long enough to remind me K is here. Always. Gosh, I miss that girl. Her heart was golden. Magnificent. Perfect. She may have had her demons but gosh her soul was so pure.

I find myself wondering what’s the next sign going to be? I’m starting to anxiously wait for them. I have to remind myself it doesn’t matter. To just let it be. To be happy I have any signs. They’ll come when I least expect them to. I know they will. They come when I’m not focused on them coming. When I’m just minding my own business. It generally doesn’t even click right away and then I’m like. Oh. My. Gosh. How did I not see that. You’re here. I miss you.

I’ve continued to struggle with memories from the past. Badly. I can’t decide how to handle them. Well, I guess obviously the best option would be real therapy and it being my own therapist. Yet, I don’t want to talk to someone else. I’m not ready to be like hey – so I suddenly can’t get some events from 20-22 years ago out of my head. Ohhhhh and they’re joined by occasional flashbacks from about 30 years ago. They’re pretty awful. Yeah, not real sure what triggered them. I’m just well aware I have a treasure chest of unaddressed trauma I’ve suddenly opened in the last few months. It’s pretty intense and it’s pretty sickening.

Typing that I suddenly think I have some clicking on what opened it. Buttttt I don’t want to deal with it. So, that’s enough for tonight. For real. Maybe I can make a section on here and really be my own counselor. (I know. Awful idea. But it’s an idea.)