Sad Ramblings – A possible cancer death sentence.

Now for today’s entry – I had yesterdays almost done.  Then got busy doing something and had to leave to get to the new job without saving it.  Ugh.  I swear life at work is all or nothing.

Today – Today is rough.  I’m still exhausted.  M was asleep on the floor when I got off from my second job.  I don’t let him sleep on the floor and moved him to the bed.  The floor sleeping resumed when visits resumed as I’ve said a million times.  With his parents they had no rules, routine or structure.  Basically, M took care of himself and just grabbed his sippy/blanket and passed out wherever when he got tired.  They seem to think this is just so funny.  No guys, it’s sad.  It’s sad that this kid essentially lived like a dog when he came.  Scavenging for crackers and sucky on any dirty sippy cup for comfort as he fell asleep.  He slept all night after I moved him to the bed – UNTIL, he fell off the stupid bed.  That’s a first in the 3 months we’ve had him.  I’ve noticed his nightmares are increasing and his moving around in bed is increasing.  I’ll have to research this and see if it’s just normal behavior after a few months or if it’s triggered by the visits. Who knows.

I did talk to our caseworker yesterday – No, one parent can’t work the treatment plan while the other does nothing and get the child back.  She said many parents seem to think like this and it is not the case.  So, basically M isn’t going home anytime soon.  Dad is doing nothing.  Dad has also quit or been fired from his job sometime in the last week or so.  I’ve suspected for over a month he wasn’t working but then he’d work.  Now I know for a fact he isn’t as the boss for his job posted something on facebook about having no employees yet again.  It’s sad to me that Mom doesn’t get this.  That she chooses to stay and chooses him over her child.  I was talking to his Grandma last night and she always tells me how great he’s doing in our home and how far he’s came.  He currently loves playing in his room.  She said when she visited for his 2nd birthday he wouldn’t go in his room and neither of them knew why.  Then she disclosed he had a blanket as a curtain over his window and “SLUT” was burned into it, she said you could tell his piggy bank had been thrown threw the wall in his room and some other things.  UGH, seriously?  No these two are not safe for him together.  Dad will NEVER be safe if he isn’t going to choose to get the help he needs.  Thus, M and I will continue living happily ever after, likely until Grandma gets custody at this rate.

Today…

Today I get a text from a friend who also works with my mother.  “Hey.”  I ignored it.  Then “I know you don’t have a mom, but if there happened to be possibly scary news would you want to be told”.  I replied back with – let me guess, she has cancer and is going to die.

Well, basically.

She’s waiting for the results still but they found “something” on her brain.  The most likely assumption is it’s the kidney cancer or breast cancer.  Probably the kidney cancer.  Google states after finding cancer has metastasized to your brain your life expectancy is usually discussed in months and not years.  Another site says 3 – 9 months until death.

How do I feel?  Sad.  Super sad.  Why?  Well my first thought was – brain cancer could explain her shitty behavior.  Then the smart, realistic part of me kicked in – She hasn’t had brain cancer for my almost 39 years of life.  No, she was shitty before it.

I’m sad I will NEVER have the chance to have a real mom.  I’m sad I’ll NEVER get the real apology I deserve.  I’m sad she’ll NEVER finally go to therapy and work on herself.  I’m sad that this would be the end to the chapter that never ends.  And it won’t be a good or happy ending.  It’ll just be the end, with no ability for closure or to fix it.

I’m sad my grandparents may have to bury their child before themselves.  I’m sad for how that will hurt them as nobody should ever lose a child.  I’m sad my children and grandchildren will lose someone they truly love, no matter how she treats me, they do love her.

I’m frustrated.  Frustrated that so much will fall on me.  I will be left with elderly grandparents – who I basically have to care for anyways as they don’t talk much to my mom.  I’ll be left with an adult uncle who is developmentally disabled and will need me for the rest of his life.  I’ll be left with it all.  Not that she does a ton, but knowing there is a finality to her life stresses that I have no options left but myself.  No siblings.  No functioning aunts/uncles.  Just me.

And scared… She’s never given me the information my doctor wanted regarding her breast cancer diagnosis.  This is crucial in determining how at-risk I am.  I’ve tried remembering – I believe she was 41 when diagnosed with breast cancer.  This is alarming to my doctor and a red flag.  Now I’ve googled the “normal” age for a kidney cancer diagnosis – 65 – 74.  She’d of been diagnosed with this at 56 or 57.  The adrenal cancer which I believe was just the metastasized kidney cancer was 58.  Now metastasized to brain would also be 58.  If the 3 – 9 months death sentence is right in her case – She will not live to see 60.  This is ALL too young.  Which means it’s all red flags for myself and my children.  But I can’t get the stupid details and I couldn’t get the stupid details even before I went no contact.  I’ve asked nicely, I’ve asked and said my doctor wanted to know, I’ve texted while with my doctor and always get the same – I’ll get that information for you later.  It’s like it’s just something she can hold over my head, knowing I really NEED it for my medical providers.  Yet, when someone else is diagnosed with cancer she’ll send them her whole damn journal with the details and feelings so they don’t feel so alone.  Because being the victim and looking like she’s so amazingly helping others is worth more than helping her own daughter.  (I guess I need to find someone else that has this and see if they have the information at this point.)  Who knows, I’ve accepted I’ll never get it and will just always have to be super proactive on my own health.

A scary point is though – if it was a hormone fueled breast cancer I need to be super careful with the IVF medications.  Yet, I have no idea.  Now if any of these others can be genetic.  Do I REALLY want to have a baby in the next year or two and be 41 when he/she is potentially born and then potentially die by 60 if I follow with her amazing genes?  No, no I don’t want to leave my child without a parent at 20 or less.

I had this crazy idea I’d live until like 90.  My grandparents are 87 and 93… But I seem to forget my mom’s adopted.  My genetics aren’t the same.  That isn’t really a guarantee.  And yes, I know that just because she’s full of cancer doesn’t mean I will be.  But it currently isn’t all that promising inside of my “worst case scenario” head.  Obviously I could really use a therapy appointment today to process all of this shitty information and crazy, dooming thoughts.  But I’m not interrupting my therapists vacation week and will survive until Thursday when I’m scheduled.

It’s all just shitty.  But hey, I need to stand up, pick up the crappy cards I’ve been dealt throughout life and turn them into a winning hand.  I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again.

I cannot wait to be off work and spend the 3 day weekend with M.  I so hope he’s in a happy mood and prepared to be loved.  Because, you know, Max just called and after I asked a million times exactly what errands he needs to do when I’m home (because it mattered if they are before 5 errands or after 5 errands)…. he finally said… the f’ing chickens.  And right now, with my great mood, I want to shove the chickens up his ass, find a Disney movie and just hang out with M and the dogs, peacefully, alone, while I contemplate my life.