Room, Romance, Mom, Therapy

Oh my gosh. I just realized how easily I could input pictures. It used to be way more complicated 20 years ago here. Having to upload them somewhere else then link it. I’m impressed.

I have been working on my room lately. This gives you a glimpse of the bed, tapestry and pretty lights/diffuser. Then I ordered new curtains that kind of matched. They were the pretty Boho look. They came and are amazing quality AND they had a comforter set that matched. I didn’t need to but I ordered it. Also, ordered some more beautiful lights. I spend a probably unhealthy amount of time in my room. If I’m home and not cleaning I just go lay in bed. So figured I’d make it zen and like a sanctuary. Turn it into at least a calm, peaceful place to be.

Therapy went okay yesterday. Nothing too deep really. We talked how my feelings were for the week and she really does think I was just doing too much therapy and keeping my body constantly triggered/dysregulated. So. I’m going to slow it down some. We’re also going to do ART next week and work on processing the anxious attachment style. It won’t be easy but I’d love that to get better so I’m up for giving it a chance. I was honest with my last week. Her fear isn’t I’ll fall in love with Tom and get hurt – it’s that I’m going to fall in love with his daughter and get hurt as traumatized teens are kind of my thing. True so very true. With foster care I’m used to falling in love with kids and being hurt when they leave. I can handle it. This is different though. Yeah. I know.

I am working really hard on Tom and the whole anxious attachment thing. When he doesn’t reply right away, instead of blowing up his phone, I have an entire conversation in my head – explaining to myself he’s working or sleeping and can’t reply. I’m getting better. At first, my thoughts went straight to… I made him mad, he doesn’t like me anymore, he’s with someone else, etc. Now I can generally rationally come back to reality and leave it be. Sometimes I still get the sinking feeling though. The anxiety feeling that somethings wrong or he isn’t going to talk to me. It’s ridiculous. So far he always proves me wrong and is generally sleeping or working as I’ve told myself. He does text me back eventually and sometimes he even texts good morning or other texts before I text him. So, that’s all a plus.

I hate that I’m such an anxious attacher. When did this start Heather, she asks. I’ve thought about it. It started as young as I can remember. My dad left and never came back. My mom left and rarely came back. I was often scared people would leave and not return. Worried my grandpa wouldn’t be home from the bar soon enough. Worried my few church friends wouldn’t want to play. When I had my first boyfriend in middle school I instantly latched on and wanted to hang out 24/7. His mom found out and he was forbidden to see me. He left too. My next boyfriend was still middle school. He ditched me in no time for another girl. I was just simply worried everyone would leave, not call when they said would, etc. I guess my biological parents taught me that was true. Nobody ever really taught me it wasn’t true. My grandparents were consistent but my grandma made me lose so many people she just showed me over and over I couldn’t get securely attached. I always had to wait to be told they were worldly and we couldn’t be friends. Those people never came back then either. So, yeah, this runs deep. So deep. Have I ever had a secure attachment with anyone besides my Grandpa? I can’t tell you I had secure attachments with my kids. My mom constantly turned them against me too or stole them and I was always too young to understand I could tell her no, they were mine. I guess my youngest was the one I attached to the most as I never let my mom take him. We bonded. He’s the most attached to me now and doesn’t take my moms shit. My older two, still not strongly attached as they’ll be moms puppets. It all comes back to her. I pray I didn’t mess up my kids to the level she messed me up. This was part of why I wanted another baby so badly. A child she’d never touch or look at. A child that was all mine and couldn’t be stolen.

Back to Tom – enough therapy, my hearts racing just from that – I do like him. He is texting consistently. He’s currently working about an hour and twenty minutes from here. If I hadn’t of hit a deer with my car could go see him. But I don’t have a good vehicle. He did text earlier he was going to ask the guy he’s housed with if he minds if I come up. Company rules say “no girls in company houses”. That hopefully applies to like random girls and not one serious girl. Respectfully, it’ll depend on what his condo-mate is cool with. I’m not even sure what that looks like tho or when he’s talking about. If he wants me to come up today. Next week. Whatever. I did ask if he’d want to come here for Halloween as he’s already halfway here and will have Friday off work for the wedding. He didn’t tell me yes, but he didn’t tell me no…… He just told me I was cheating when I told him I was making taco soup, bought him plain chocolate chip cookies and would have a newborn baby here.  He happens to love all of those I guess. We’ll see. I really hope he comes but understand if he doesn’t.

I worry my full anxiousness will come out for his wedding. The fact I’ll be off all weekend to think isn’t that healthy. I’m hoping I don’t get that bad though. I’m slightly sad he hasn’t insisted I go with him. I know. It’s dumb. I’d be alone for most of it and wouldn’t have that much fun. But I’d be in the same room with him at least. It makes sense not to go. But I guess I want him to want me around as badly as I want him to be around. Yeah, not everyone gets attached as quickly as I do. I know. I need to freaking chill out. This guy gets credit tho. He deals with my “not chill” really well.

I went to see my Grandma last night and my lovely mother was there. I despise that lady. My Grandma was confused as usual and wanted to know where the other lady was they normally there. My loud as mom just kept repeating “Nobody else is ever here. It’s just ME that’s here with you EVERY night. Heather is here tonight but NORMALLY IT IS JUST ME AND YOU”.  Over and over. Dude. Stfu. I go 3 nights a week or more. And it’s DEBBIE she’s talking about who’s here at least 3 days a week and was already here tonight. Oh, yeah, Debbie – where is she – says my Grandma. The idiot wanted to keep stressing it’s always her. Always. Always. Always.

I nicely asked if she wanted to help with Alex’s new car payment (that’s a whole different story) since she’s giving Jaylissa a house and always pays Zak’s car payment. Nope. Isn’t she fucking amazing! I never expected her to help. But you’re giving one kid a HOUSE why can’t we keep it fair? Why favor one? Because that one is an idiot and accepts the handouts which then give my mom control. Alex doesn’t let anyone control him. Thus, his love isn’t as easily bought of course. It hurts me for my kid. Just how one sided she is and how rude it is. He’ll never know as I’ll never mention to him I even asked. Because normally I’d never ask. I’m just REALLY struggling with her giving away my grandparents house totally unfairly. If she wants one kid to have it, it should be sold with the proceeds equally going to all 3. Then they could each use the proceeds to buy a house or whatever. Something.

It’s my mom though. She’s never been fair and she never will be. Just what benefits her and will get her the most attention. Asshole.

Alright, I’ve spent too much time on here. I need to go finish some training.