Ridiculous Internship Requirements

Another day has passed.

I’m exhausted. Actually. That may be an understatement.

115 more days. But who’s counting?

Have I determined how I will magically feel better? Less alone? Happier? No. Not at all. I truly don’t know. I don’t feel I even have time to figure it out. This internship remains ridiculous in my opinion. Who wouldn’t feel less than their best between this and a full-time job? I debated making a new med appointment to get some amazing numbing drugs. But really. I feel it’s environmental. I’m not convinced I need meds.

I just need my mind to shut off and to be able to sleep at night. Maybe someone to help around the house? Or a friend? What the hell is a friend?

In the end – I think it really does come down to school (And a shitty marriage) – The lack of human interaction. The lack of self care. The lack of connection. The crazy schedule. Spending 65 hours a week dealing with someone else’s problems. Missing my kids. Missing my dogs. Missing Just being home. That’s got to be it. I can’t fix the marriage or myself until school is over. That is all there is to it. I can’t fix shit until I’m not expected to do 65 or more hours of bullshit a week.

I emailed everyone and their brother in the school today. Yet again questioning why I can’t do my internship in my current  employment. It’s beyond stupid. My field instructor agrees. My current employment is so much more productive and I will learn far more there. The asshole director needs to – at the least – reply to me. Which he hadn’t done in ELEVEN days to-date. Bullshit. Maybe cc’ing numerous people will get me results? Maybe?

This would fix so many things in my life. This would allow me to NOT be in treatment myself come May. Seriously. If he says no – At least I will know I tried. I can’t effectively advocate for my clients in the future if I’m not willing to be my own advocate. So, I’ll keep fighting for myself – At least in the aspect of school. (I can’t fight for myself anywhere else right now. I can’t. But I can do this.)

Maybe tomorrow I’ll get a response? I’ll pray – Even though I’m not even sure I believe in prayer – But damn it. Something has to give. Has to. Must. I’m begging the universe.