Refinancing. Birthday time.

Life is slow and steady progress. Always.

Waiting for the house refinancing. Tho I’m conditionally approved and I know everything I turned in was legit I still worry. It’s what I do. Worry. What if it falls through? Logistically I know it’s fine. Even in that scenario my mom would co-sign. It would be fine. Yet, I want it to just go easily. By myself. That’s it. I can’t help but think worst case scenarios. Of course. There’s a letter in the mail from the bank today. It’s spurred my fearfulness it’s a rejection. Though, it likely isn’t. It’s probably just a hard copy of one of the random online letters they’ve sent. Logistically they’d call. You’d think. I’m still anxiously awaiting the mail tho.

Once the refinancing is over I’ll be done with my part. I just need him to sign over the deed for the house and hand over the cash payout and then it’s done. I feel like I need this completed to feel like it’s truly finalized. On paper it is but I need all of it done. All ties cut. To know we have zero life connection. That NOTHING left in my life needs his cooperation. Soon. The really hard part is over. It’s progress. It is.

I’m off work today at 1:30 through Monday. I’m going to go get my lashes and hair done. Fixing my hair from the blonde back to brown. It needs love and is dry. Yet, I also want the blonde gone. I like the blonde. I look good with blonde. But it costs money to repeatedly touch up. And the final – The blonde was for him. When we first started dating he wanted it blonde. I kept it blonde for nearly a decade and went back last year. Because HE wanted me to look that way. Even if it wasn’t the healthiest choice for my hair I did it. I kept the look he wanted. So, changing back, letting it grow out to then natural color – My choice. Me. The real me. Erasing another piece of him. I’m excited.

Then I’m off until Tuesday from ALL jobs. I booked us an amazing room at an amazing hotel about 5 hours away. Mountains. Rooftop heated pools. Museums. Lounges. Food. Fabulousness. It’s another Kimpton Luxury hotel that’s doable thanks to the employee rate from Alex working. Why the amazing trip? Well, celebrate some divorce papers. Max’s birthday is Friday. Mine is next week. So, it’s a big combination party trip. I cannot wait. I need the break, the soul fixing, breathing. It will be amazing. Refreshing. Needed.

Max grew up a Jehovah’s Witness. Thus, he’s never had a real birthday celebration. I’m super excited just over this. The fun of teaching and showing him how fun and exciting birthdays and holidays can be.

Yesterday, was his last day of work for this schedule. So, I created an entire party at work for him. Made, from scratch, Lemon Cupcakes with Lemon Buttercream Frosting and a lemon garnish. Balloons. Decorations. His coworkers put it all up in the lab for me and made a video of him getting there. It was awesome! He was shocked & thrilled. He told me once nobody even tells him Happy Birthday unless he tells them it’s his birthday. So this was huge. A first. Loved it!

I’ve got him some simple but great gifts – Shoes, A ramen bowl with a kid, two ramen cookbooks and a hilarious candle. All stuff he’d mentioned wanting. You should totally get spoiled on your first real birthday.

And it feels good. Good to be nice. I quit doing anything for the jerks birthday years and years ago. Because he didn’t care. It was never good enough. I slaved over a ridiculous Mud Pie Ice Cream Cake he wanted. Made a huge dinner. All in a weeknight that I worked and had to coach. All of that AND he told me it wasn’t good enough. I should have done more. Really? It also feels good to know I’m having a birthday weekend for me too. Even if I’m throwing it for myself. He never did anything for my birthday. Wouldn’t go eat with us. Literally scheduled a vacation – by himself – OVER my birthday. No invite. It hurt. I was used to it but it always hurt. I always tried to make people feel special and nothing. Yet he had the audacity to tell me I didn’t do enough. Asshole.

So, yeah, I’m excited for the upcoming days. Can’t wait. I’m hoping I come back refreshed, happy, ready to resume tackling the world.