Rambling on the “Whatevership”.

Yesterday, I’d told myself I’d write an entry today about the new “option”. Mainly because I’m hoping writing out my thoughts will help myself to understand the “why’s”. Why I like this guy. Why I jump into whateverships so fast. Why I choose the way I do. Sometimes just saying the things out loud or written out it clicks. Hence, why I like therapy so much. Today though… today I’m struggling and don’t really want to write at all. However, I’m going to make myself and see where it goes I guess.

So, we went to Bingo last night. It’s weird whatevering a friend. Someone you’ve worked with, talked to, hung out occasionally with for 3 years and then bumping it to the next level. I totally overthought my outfit. What to wear. How to do my hair. Make up. Because was this a date? Or was it just to lonely friends hanging out? I managed to get dressed in the end and head out. Met up with Cody at his place and walked to the event.

We had a good time. But the weirdness – partway through the night I looked at him. Like truly looked at him like a date and not a friend and realized… He too had to of overthought dressing. He has on a NICE shirt, hair nice, I noticed he went to the bathroom and washed his hands after every cigarette. Like totally new level and he cleans up damn well. It made me smile but I failed to tell him he looked nice as I made a mental note to and totally forgot.

Bingo lasted a few hours and was super fun. We won nothing. Well, we probably won being talked about as our bosses and a coworker were there. When he took a break my boss came up and told me how happy she was I’d got him to go out as she knows he’s been having a rough time and then adds in “I had NO idea you two were hanging out like this”. I just laughed and told her he’s a great guy when he’s on track and we’ve been hanging out a little bit. I’m assuming our unusual clothing attire and looking nice was a red flag. He didn’t seem to care so I didn’t comment on it. (I get awful anxiety from knowing people are gossiping about my life. I hate it.)

Walked back to his place after and headed out. As I was leaving he stopped me for a hug and quick kiss. When he left my house Friday night he also stopped and gave me an out of the blue nice long hug and a kiss. This is where it’s awkward – what to do. Do we stand there like old friends. Do we hold hands. Do we kiss. I’m always super touchy when it comes to the person I’m dating. Yet, it feels strange. Like neither of us know what to do. We watched some tv Wednesday night which lead to the first kiss and wow – the sexual tension is there. Sometimes I feel like we should just hurry up and get that first time over with so maybe the awkward part will go away.

Are we dating though? I have no idea. WTF are we? Do I REALLY need to label it this fast? Why do I feel like I do when I don’t. I suck at dating. I go from 0-100 in record speed. All in. Ready to move far too fast. Then heartbroken as I’m the only one wanting to move fast and I scare away the world.

I don’t want to scare him away so I’m trying really hard to go slow. Yet, I know my worth and I know I’m totally a huge step up in his life – so I’d like to believe I’d be welcomed with my fastness and not ditched. Saying that though, I know my worth and I deserve to go slow and value myself. So, I’ll keep anxiously moving at a snails pace and wondering what’s appropriate.

One of the issues is – I do know my worth. I have some doubts he’s truly relationship material for me. I’ll be honest with myself, the world, he’s been in trouble, an addict and most recently in jail. He’s clean/sober and doing great now. He wants to stay that way and I truly believe he can this time. I think he’s ready. And if he’s not obviously I’d be done. But then I think – why would I settle on this when I’ve got my shit together and he absolutely doesn’t. He’s just started looking for his ducks. My ducks are gathered and most often in a decent row. Cody’s the exact type 18 year old me was attracted to. I’m not 18 year old me anymore. I’m 40 year old me and he should have had his shot together a long time ago as he isn’t far behind me.

Then I think – Shit happens. Nobody is perfect. Who am I to judge that he’s “only a cook”? Who am I to judge his addictions and struggles? I’ve said a million times money doesn’t buy happiness. I pay bills myself as it is so I don’t need a guy that makes a ton of money. I was an addict. I struggled to get clean for well over a year when I finally started even trying.  Hell, THOSE journal entries in here are hard to read. The difference between him and I…. I chose to become at addict at 17 – giving me time to get high and then clean in my early 20s. He chose to become an addict far later in life and thus, he’s getting clean much later in life.

So, that’s where my struggle is. He isn’t perfect. Far from it. In the end though, I simply need the man in my life to treat me good, to respect me, to enjoy me for me. And that, that he does and he does it well.

The other issue – we’re both fairly fresh out of longer, complicated relationships. We’re both probably a walking red flag. For real. I’m working on me though. He’s working on him. A ton. So, I guess I feel as long as we recognize this – maybe it’s okay. Yet, I’m not sure.

What I do know… I’m really struggling and he’s a welcome distraction. I need to learn to be happy by myself. Yet, having someone to talk to sometimes is nice. My friend circle is small. My family circle – nonexistent. So, it is nice. Maybe he’s just that – a distraction brought into my life while I need it and we’ll fade away as we grow. Who knows.

Then I start overthinking though – I’m truly scared of being like too clingy and scaring him away. As my friend circle is small and I am bored and lonely. So I write paragraphs when he texts me or suggest we hang out maybe too frequently. He was all for it and then found out his estranged mom went into hospice. So he’s backed off a lot since then and has been going to see her and just says he’s got a lot on his mind now. That’s great. Great he’s trying. Horrid the circumstances. It’s really caused him to pull away some though.

Today he’s been nearly silent. He worked and then was going to head the hour to see her. I’d volunteered to go with to get out of the house. He said his dad wanted to go. I replied no worries and to take his dad and I’d see him tonight when he was done. As we’d made plans last night to do something tonight. And crickets since. The anxious me latches on and starts way overthinking… maybe he’s ghosted me, maybe I scared him away saying I’d see go tonight, maybe he doesn’t like me (even though he says he really does), maybe he’s dating numerous chicks and he’s with someone else. Maybe……

Maybe I’ve got to get out of my fucking head. For real. If he’s ghosted me this quickly – it’s his loss. If I’m too much – he’s right and it’s fine. I do need to be alone more than I let myself be. Yet, my brain runs away. Quickly.

So after all that rambling we’ll see if he ever texts me back today. Super strange he’s taken so long without a word. (My brain also really hopes his mom isn’t dead. Not yet. He needs more time.). But again, if he really does ditch me, I’ll be fine. I’ll be sad though – because he is the best distraction to get through all the Max drama I’ve found.

And the end of that sums it up… Maybe after all that rambling I’ve figured it out. He may not be my husband material but he’s great distraction material. And that’s what I want right now. Distractions.

Sigh – I’m just going to hope I don’t end up getting hurt in this process. I’m hoping it doesn’t break my heart if he doesn’t reply to me. And I’m sure as hell going to pray it doesn’t ruin a friendship or make work awkward. I don’t think that part will happen tho. We have had some weird stuff in the past and our work relationship stayed perfect.

A couple random things I learned today – I admitted to Zak when he stopped by to grab a tv I’d hung out with Cody a few times. He laughed and said “I bet he’s thinking FINALLLY”. I asked why he’d say that and he told me when they worked together he always asked about me and if I was single yet. This would have been years ago when I was still married and I had never met him. Zak went on to tell me Cody’s always known who I was and liked me. He was laughing when he left. So, learning that – maybe he reallllly does like me.

(I wish I was more secure in myself. Note to self – work on the anxious attachment and insecurities a ton more.)

That’s all I’ve got. I’ve cleaned most of today and sobbed. Hysterically. While doing it. Why? Well, my distraction isn’t distracting me so I’ve been left alone with my thoughts and I’m sad. So sad. I found the bag of stuff I’d taken to the hospital when I went to get my grandpas ring off and lost it. Sobbing. I miss him. So much. I’m struggling to accept living in a world that doesn’t include him. It’s a pretty dim world. This is the most I’ve cried yet. I’m sure I need it. Get the feelings out.

Max didn’t help. He left a letter in my mailbox. Officially breaking up with me. Missing the fact we broke up weeks ago. Again. That’s a whole different post though. Fuck him.