Not Good Enough For Him

My world is simply falling apart. While his is… falling together? How many nights must one person cry themselves to sleep in a lifetime before it’s enough?

This isn’t fair. All I can keep returning to is that – this is not fair. What did I do to deserve to be treated like this? Why am I not good enough for a second chance? A real chance?

How can our relationship be getting better – YET NOW HE WANTS TO LEAVE? Why?

He found a rental. He paid first, last and deposit. Yeah. Great. What about me? Well I get to keep this great big house of course. Yeah, the house I really can’t afford without you. The giant 2,700 square feet I don’t need for myself. Oh well.

Why? Why are you leave me? Things weren’t good. I don’t want this.

He’s right. Things weren’t good. We did 12 months of IVF. 2 failed transfers. A miscarriage at 12 weeks. Things sure weren’t good. 12 months of random hormones. 3 of those months full on pregnancy hormones. Followed by intense grief. Was I sane? Hell. No. I was a mess. A psychotic mess. I was angry, bloated, fat, hysterical, screaming, controlling, devastated, suicidal, psychotic. Looking back – I wonder if I had postpartum depression. I was only 12 weeks but I’d had the fertility hormones so long I might as well have been 9 months.

Now, 5 months after loss I’m finally far more stable and NOW he’s leaving. Now. He was the cause of that craziness too. She was OUR DAUGHTER not just mine. But it’s MY fault. It’s too late. Too little. Too late.

I didn’t try soon enough. I didn’t fix myself soon enough. I’m sorry I was busy shooting myself up with drugs and trying to sustain a pregnancy to be able to try to be perfect.

I’m just not attractive to him anymore. Excuse me?  Maybe it was the super skinny blonde he liked. Ummmm really? I weigh 15-20 pounds more than I did when we met. 10 of that remains IVF weight. I’ve already lost 20 pounds since losing the baby. And the weight gain – he sure helped with that. Insisting I eat. Getting me pregnant.

Yet, I’m just not attractive enough. Get in touch when I’m back in shape. Fuck. You. Maybe he’ll change his mind.

Basically, in the end I’m just not enough. I’m not what he wants. He isn’t happy. I don’t make him happy enough. I’m not what he’s looking for.

I was enough when I was willing to have kids. I was enough when I was pregnant with our daughter. I’m not now tho. Not if I’m infertile and no help to him having his genes passed out. Not if our daughter’s dead.

So he’d like me to just let him leave peacefully.  Joint decision. Say I’m okay with it.

Fuck you, I hope you feel every ounce of guilt. I hope the world judges you for leaving the person you said you loved just a month before your dead daughter’s due date. I hope you get nothing but the worst if this is truly how you feel.

You’re a monster if you think it’s okay to treat someone like this.