No tears today.

The tears have stopped. So far. It feels odd and amazing. I’ve cried for days, weeks. For them to just stop today.

In their place is just an aching feeling in my chest. A hole that can’t be filled. With numbness. Utter numbness. I don’t feel happy, I feel nothing except that constant ache. This isn’t ideal. Yet, it’s better than the last weeks of sobbing. My cheeks and lips are literally chapped from all the salty tears streaming down my face. I’ve just slowly disassociated myself through the day. I made it. That’s all that matters.

I resumed full doses of my medication last night and today which could be a changing factor. I’d tried to begin weaning off while I was pregnant. Maybe my body needs the numbing level of them. At least for now.

Max texted last night – Do you want to talk? Uhhh, sure, why? He calls and proceeds to tell me his sister’s house is gorgeous. Obviously. Then he says – but she isn’t happy. Again, obviously. They make our relationship look great. Wow, not shocking. They barely talk and when they do they are snapping. I’m sure.

This doesn’t surprise me? No, not at all. Not even a little bit. I’m not stupid. I’m 100% aware on why they moved. I have no doubt her husband could no longer handle her family. It’s not just me they treat like this. They’re unhealthily enmeshed. He wanted to move to escape that. To raise his daughter away from that. To not always be on the bottom of the pole when his wife has to rush to save her parents. When her parents demand she come over to do whatever. When they’re all always at her house, up their ass. Dinners there when they were in town – we’d eat and her husband quickly excused himself to the basement. The night we played games it was “well we better quit so he can go to bed?”. I didn’t know then what I knew now. I’d of left hours earlier if I knew how unhappy he was with the constant barrage of them coming and not leaving.

She’s sad now as she’s isolated in their gorgeous house. Her family is hours away. Her kid is in school. It’s just her. And instead of finding herself and acknowledging the issues she’s busy begging her family to come visit 24/7 or coming here. Pushing her husband farther away. In her text she said “I do travel without husband as he can’t be bothered with my family”. I stuck with not replying – but that sentence speaks volumes. I’ve met her husband. He’s super nice and kind. He’s ALWAYS been legit to me. It’s not that he can’t be bothered – It’s that he has boundaries and won’t deal with this insanity and rudeness. Honestly, if she wouldn’t have got knocked up they would NOT be together. That’s blatantly obvious.

He was silent with that and then finally – yeah, you’re probably right. We can’t continuously blame everyone else dude – It’s not your ex’s fault, it’s not her husband’s fault – Everyone has the same issue and the common denominator is – You and your family’s fucked up relationship, enmeshment, codependency. I will never believe that EVERY ex was awful and just didn’t like your family. Never.

Eventually he apologized for not inviting me. Then asked a ton of stupid questions on how things should be – You don’t need my permission. I’m not asking to run your life. I’m asking for communication. Asking to be thought of first before going on a guilt trip family adventure. I’m not asking for too much. I deserve more. He needs to respect me. They need to respect me and our relationship. I’m not some girl he’s been screwing for a couple weeks. We’re 2 1/2 years into this. We’re well beyond the timetable of me mattering.

Next time he’ll invite me… It may be too late tho. I don’t know if this is fixable. If there aren’t drastic changes I can’t live like this forever. I can’t always be in line before someone’s fucked up relatives. I can’t always feel like I don’t matter.

I’m not even sure if my relationship with this family is repairable. Today, now that I’m not crying. I’m simply angry. Angry they ever thought this was okay. I don’t want to be near them. I don’t want to see their rude fucking faces or hear them basically talk about the shit they’ll be doing without me. (Like his mom literally whining she wants HIM to go to Brazil with her. In a child’s whiney voice. Not me. Him.)  Knowing his mom was encouraging him to break up with me and go live with her a month after we lost the baby. That is NOT okay. As a mother, you should be telling your son to support me, to know I’ll be grieving. Not encouraging your nearly incestuous relationship.

I truly don’t know. If his family and I can’t mend things. This is it as I don’t see him ever making me first. If he can’t stand up for me, respect me and have boundaries – Again, it’s basically it.  I’m tired of dying inside for someone who doesn’t deserve it. I’d rather die inside alone.

We will see what the week brings. I’m trying to just live day by day. Create a plan. Follow said plan. Get myself in a good place and ignore him in the meantime. Ignore him until there’s changes or I’ve accomplished what’s needed to be alone and have him leave. I’ll have this done by 4/1 at the latest. Probably 3/1.

So, the clock is ticking.

Lets hope tomorrow is another day of no tears and simply numbness.