Nightmares Again. College time.

The nightmares have been coming back. Awful, horrid nightmares. I’ve been trying to think why. What important subconscious date is here? What’s different? Why?

The last couple have seemed similar. The same concept. Last night it was all about Captain Douche. Let’s just start calling him CD. Being an asshole, screaming, pushing, hitting, texting awful things that it was my fault and I was believing it. That’s the short version. He left. I wanted to go beg him back. He was with my parents or grandparents. Someone told me he pushed my Grandpa while there and left. I was trying to find him as I still wanted him to not be mad and return. Even though he was mean to my family. Even though I was denying that he was THAT bad. Then I somehow knew he was at my old house or the bar. I realized I could just look up his location and go find him. Then I woke up.

The nightmare before this one was similar. Still drunk. Still mean. Still looking for him in the same places.

They’d mostly stopped for awhile. So it’s frustrating they’re here again. Frustrating I relive the abuse and the always wanting him to forgive me. When I KNOW it wasn’t my fault. In my dreams though, I go right back to that. So stupid. I’m taking the meds. I’ve even upped to the full prescribed dose to make them stop, yet last night it returned. I don’t understand but I’d like to return to not waking up thinking about him and that.

Alex made the Aviation School cut. He knew he got into the program but beginning the actual flight part in the fall is extremely competitive. The called Wednesday night to let him know he got a slot. He’s thrilled. I’m happy for him. But sad for me – He now has to be at college, ready to go, on August 1st. Nearly a month sooner. It also means he needs the crazy expensive tuition sooner than later. Ugh. I’ve talked to the college and think we have a game plan for it. But it still sucks. So much damn money.

And it’s slightly sad. I’m thrilled he’s succeeding and has a game plan. But gosh, I’m going to miss him. Even when he drives me crazy. I’ve literally had kids my entire adult life. Forever. This will be the first time since I was 15 I haven’t had kids to take care of. It’s like a new chapter beginning and I’m not sure I’m ready for it to begin. Not really. I have no doubts it’ll be lonely to begin. But this is every parents goal – To raise kids who go into adulthood with goals for their future. So, I guess I’ve succeeded. But damn – The last 18 – 22 years have went by wayyyyy too fast. Don’t blink.