Next Retrieval – Early June. M – Going Home.

2023 seems to be flying by.  Far too fast.  Way too many ups and downs.  It’s slightly a train wreck, slightly amazing, largely uneventful.  All into one?

IVF related – We’re gearing up for the next round.  I emailed our clinic and we’re good to go. Nothing left to do.  I just need to reply that yes, I’ve done the priming they wanted.  So, now… I’m simply waiting for CD 1 to begin as I’m going to skip one more cycle.  I need CD 1 and then to order medications to be ready for the next CD 1.  My next cycle should have started today – I’ve had “perfect” 28 day cycles since December or whenever the transfer failed.  Always a Friday.  I was pretty unhappy that it would be Friday as then it doesn’t give me much time to plan and take off work for the first monitoring appointment.  Ideally CD 1 is Sunday or early in the week.  Well, no worries – my body heard me?  No CD 1 today.  Maybe I’ll be lucky and skip tomorrow too and can begin Sunday.  I liked the timeline of Sunday last time… Though, of course, it doesn’t mean next cycle will cooperate the same either. It could come early.  Basically I’m just in the hurry up and wait portion.  My therapist appears concerned I’m going to mentally lose it on the next round of medication.  Did I lose it last time?  I have no idea.  I don’t think so.  I was “angrier” and “sadder” than normal but I was fine.  I think?  She just keeps asking if I’m ready for the meds, if I have coping tools.  Nah, probably not.  Maybe she’s worried about what happens when it fails again.  Will I lose it.  Especially with all the rest of life – Oh, heck yes.  Good thing she gets paid to listen to me lose it.  Who knows.  (And yeah, a normal person – would be like – hey, you’re like a day late – maybe you should test? If you’re thinking this – Don’t say it.  No thanks.  It’s humanly impossibly.  What was the last likelihood of getting pregnant naturally? I can’t remember – I think he’d said less than 10% – Hey, 10% is decent, right?  Well the chance it would be ectopic dropped it down to a 1% of a chance of a natural pregnancy, in the correct place.  So, not pregnant.  Must have ovulated late.  Normal sometimes.  I’ve ovulated as late as CD 17.  I quit tracking the moment we began IVF.)  So, here we go…. Month count down to another roller coaster ride.

M is growing amazingly.  Since his tubes/adenoids he’s been amazing.  Then he woke up one day and decided he knew how to each.  So freaking strange.  He was 32 pounds the first time I took him in.  Then 34 pounds.  In February he got sick and was 31 pounds.  Last month he was 34 pounds and then the next week 35 pounds.  It’s pretty great.  His mom is also progressing finally.  So, we’re at the transitioning home phase.  He spends another night with her every week.  This will be my first weekend home without him.  It’s great and sad.  All in one.  On May 22nd he’ll officially begin his in-home trial visit.  That will mark exactly 8 months from the day he came into our care.  Our sweet, emergency placement that should have lasted a few days, “maybe a couple weeks”, lasted 8 long but short months.  He’s came sooo far in this time.  We’ll miss him but I know this is the goal and I’m happy for him he’ll get to keep a biological parent to love him.  I just pray she stays doing good and never gives up on this boy or herself again.

We’ll take a break until our next cycle is over.  For sure.  Monitoring and all of it is way too hard with a little in tow. And my emotions need the ability to be raw and free this time – Not shoved down as I have a special needs, traumatized, child in my care.  We were supposed to be child-free last round but as we all know I said yes to M.  I’m not saying yes again.  Well – I don’t think so.  Only if the “perfect” child needs a home.  (Yeah, I know, I think they’re all perfect.)  Basically I’m interested in one specific teenage child I’d never say no to.  Other than that, I’m a no.  Hard.  No.  Then we’ll see what comes next.

If this IVF round doesn’t give us a normal embryo or some decent LLM embryos I have no idea what we’re doing.  Some days I’m dead set I’ll do 4 retrievals and then quit due to the discount on round 4.  Somedays I’m set that I’m not doing another retrieval after this one.  So, who knows.  I still want to transfer the LLM we have.  I’m just terrified.  What if she doesn’t stick?  What if my main hope is gone?  Currently, I can dream about this perfect, frozen, embryo who will be my perfect baby girl.  Once we give that embryo a chance – if she doesn’t stick around – I won’t get to dream about her anymore.  I won’t get to fantasize about her nursery, her first moments on earth, dance recitals, sports, frilly dresses or a total tomboy.  I won’t get to imagine who she’ll look like, who she’ll grow up to be, what her soft hair will feel like, her sweet baby smells, her first giggles, words.  Once, we give her a try, it’s over.  My dreams for her are gone.  Knowing the sex of these embryos almost makes it worse.  I don’t picture this as simply “an embryo” or “just a clump of cells”.  No, I picture this “clump of cells” as an actual human – The human she’ll grow up to be.  She’s real.  She exists.  Knowing her gender just makes it so much more concrete.

It was easier to not “dream” after years of TTC.  Each failed natural cycle, I simply pictured an egg that yet again couldn’t be fertilized, couldn’t make it to where it should be, was nothing.  I never imagined we’d possibly achieved fertilization that didn’t work.  The batch of tests that had awful indents that looked real – I got over the brief false hope – I never pictured that as a real human.  But just possibly an embryo ready to go for once.  This time tho.  This time I KNOW fertilization occurred.  I KNOW the sex of my baby.  I KNOW that MY DAUGHTER is just frozen in time.  Waiting for me.  I’ve dreamt about her more than I’ve ever dreamed about the possible a cycle may have been it.

Thus, losing her will hurt more than a lot of things have hurt.  Maybe this is why I’m so obsessed with just maybe doing a million retrievals.  I know I need more embryos.  But I also know I don’t want to transfer her and lose her.  I want to keep her forever and I’m just not sure if she’s put inside my body if I’ll keep her, if she’ll stay.  Or if I’ll be alone and not have her to think of again.

*sigh* – It’s rough.  I hate this process.  Hate it.  It’s not okay.  It’s not fair.  Nobody deserves this – Except those who don’t take care of their kids. But those are the people popping out babies.  Those are the people creating the poor traumatized child who may be in my home next.  Bull.  Shit.

I taught myself to crochet – So I just made a whole throw blanket.  To keep my mind busy.  It started as a baby blanket.  With amazing unisex colors.  Then I just kept going and going.  Imagining using it as a throw in my future baby’s nursery.  Rocking her to sleep with this blanket in the night.  Laying her on the floor on this blanket.  It’s amazing, thick, fluffy, blanket yarn.  It’s not perfect.  I made mistakes.  But it’s my first attempt and it’s pretty fabulous.  Now, I just need the baby to have a reason to make the nursery.  One day though, one day, I’m going to have a small, beautiful human to cuddle with under that amazing blanket.

Well, I was going to do more, but I think this is enough.  To sum it up – M is going home.  We’ll be back to a child-free home.  I’m just waiting to begin bleeding to death, cramping, and being miserable.  Then I’ll order a few thousand dollars in drugs.  Prepare to shove them in my body.  Plan to spend early June bloated, uncomfortable and praying for miracles.  It’s… going to be… great.  Or something like that.