More Testing. Family aka Fake Pictures

It’s finally Friday!  Amazingly, I have the weekend off – assuming the restaurant world doesn’t end of course – and that is a miracle in itself.  I’m exhausted so I’m not sure how productive or fun it will be.  However, not serving people food sounds appealing in itself.  This world better not end, I mentally need the break.

This week has been… long.  To say the least.  Mentally – I’m done.  Physically – Pretty much done.  This process is literally torture.

We’re onto the 3rd round of Clomid.  Needless to say I’m beginning to feel bloated and super uncomfortable.  Normal for the days leading up to ovulation.  It’s the emotional part of it that makes me feel – crazy.  Just far more emotional, far more needy, far more pathetic.  I don’t enjoy feeling pathetic or needy.  I’m used to independent and self-reliant, not needing anyone.  So yeah, it’s rough.  (Like Max ate tuna fish before bed last night which sent me into a meltdown as I could still smell it.)

Saw my regular OB Tuesday – That was an adventure in itself.  I needed just an annual exam as they want one within 12 months before starting treatments and mine was slightly over that.  So, regular pap smear.  I gave him the list of blood draws CNY wanted completed within the last 12 months too.  So, we drew a TON of blood.  So many tests.  The majority have came back and all is good.  I need to grab more vitamin D as that’s not as good as it should be and I ran out a couple weeks ago.  The tests I want the results the most had to be sent to Mayo and Myriad so still waiting.  It’s annoying. I was hoping I’d have them by today – if not it’s looking like Monday or Tuesday.  Hopefully the ones that matter are good or have went up.

Then, during this great exam my OB decided we should do an endometrial biopsy too.  To rule out any reasons I have spotting.  And because they’ll probably want that done prior to beginning fertility treatments also.  This wasn’t planned – Thus, I had no pain relievers ahead of time.  He warned it would hurt some, some hit the ceiling, some it’s nothing.  The verdict – Awful, horrid, disgusting pain.  I had no idea it would be that awful.  No idea I’d have cramps the next 24 hours.  It not a great experience.  I guess the blessing is I had no time to google and it’s over.  Hopefully we’re done with testing and can go straight into treatments when we have our appointment in 2 1/2 weeks.

We did “family” pictures Wednesday.  Thankfully the photographer was amazing and made it quick and simple for me.  My daughter insisted on these and was throwing quite the fit I didn’t want to go.  I can’t call them family pictures – Really, they are fake pictures.  Depicting fake happiness with a bunch of people that don’t even talk or like each other.  Seriously, stupid.  What bothers me is now they’ll post and share these pictures with the world.  Carrying on like life is great – when reality, none of it is great in this department.  My therapist said I see this as I’m working on being healthy, I have boundaries and this is why it bothers me – Because I can see how unhealthy they are and how unwilling to get healthy they are.

They were at least quick.  My mother didn’t utter a word to me as preferred.  During therapy I actually realized I don’t think a single person but the photographer talked to me and my grandparents thanked me for coming as I left.  Seriously.  How is that for reality.  Pictures should come with a backstory of the past and how they were taken – I bet we’d see a lot less “fakebook” and far more reality, sadness, chaos, despair and toxic things.

Oh well, not my circus, not my monkeys.  Back to just working on myself.  Working on healthy.  Ignoring the haters.