More Loss, TW Suicides.
I’ve got 20 minutes or so to spare before I need to leave for my next job. Decided if I typed fast I’d have time for an entry.
The last few weeks have sucked. Everything freaking sucks. I’m trying to find the positives – at least I’m alive. Even that doesn’t feel that positive today.
A dear friend of mine lost her son last week. I’ve known them since he was tiny. She let me stay with her when I needed somewhere to stay 20 years ago (exactly). I babysat him as a small boy. He was 30. He was broken hearted over a girl. He took his own life. My heart breaks for her. She was an amazing mom. He was an amazing son. He just had so many demons. Demons that don’t go away. He quit drinking – he felt those demons even more. When you are sober you aren’t numb. You feel. Feeling hurts. Immensely. I’m sad. So, freaking sad for her. Yet, I feel a peace for him – a peace that he’s no longer living with those demons. A peace that he’s finally forever numb, even if he didn’t really mean forever. We never mean forever – we just need a break from the pain. Nobody understands this. It’s not that we want to die, to end our life. That isn’t the part we’re thinking about. We’re thinking we just want the pain to stop. I know this is what happened. I know he wanted the pain to stop. My heart hurts for him so badly. To know how he felt in those final moments. To remember vividly how I felt in the moments I was ready to end my life. I’m not angry, I don’t feel he was selfish. I’m simply sad. Sad he had to feel that bad. I’ve texted with his mom a few times. Today I told her a story from the café last night about a young boy that told me his best friend died. I realized his best friend was my best friend and we talked about how this was the best friend we could have. This young man (10 years old) told me he’d remember him forever. His mom reaches out and responds that she wishes he knew how loved he was and how many lives he touched. This was my response…. “He knew he was loved. Sometimes, in the darkest moments, it feels like we should just find a release and escape our demons. Not wanting forever, wanting numbness. 🙁 Sadly, it is forever and the pain passes on to those we loved. But I have no doubts, B knew we was loved and touched so many.” I meant every word of it. We don’t want to die, we want the pain to stop. I’ve felt that way. I’ve came so close to acting on it, it’s a miracle I’m here. She replied – “Thank you, I needed to hear that.”
It’s just so freaking sad.
A few days later our small town was rocked by another suicide. This time, a 22 year old or so young person. They also struggled with mental illness, being LGBQT, addictions. This wasn’t a surprise either. But again, I’m sad they felt this was their only option. I’m sad they too have felt the worst feeling I’ve ever felt.
I’m simply sad anyone has to experience this level of hurt, pain.
If you’ve never been that depressed, that down. If you’ve never sat and thought that ending your life genuinely may be the only option, the best option. You simply can’t grasp that level of pain, desperation, hurt. I was there, not that long ago. I laid there with the exact number of medications I needed to be successful. The best plan in existence. Since my firearms had already been confiscated. Since I was scared I wouldn’t do the rope right. I laid there and sobbed. I wrote my own obituary. I wrote down passwords. I cried so freaking hard. Accepting I couldn’t handle the pain. Yet, there was that nagging part of me that felt guilty of the pain I’d be passing on. The small part that texted my therapist instead of swallowing. The part of me that took enough to make me pass out cold and wake up in a pile of pills 14 hours later. With at least a slightly clearer head. At least I didn’t swallow them all.
My therapist said the other day how proud of me she was for adding extra medications as she knows how hard I’ve been trying to stay here. That she is well aware I’ve been fighting a battle to stick it out, to stay on this earth and she knows the battle is hard. But to remember, I’ve fought this far and to keep fighting. It’ll get better. If it wasn’t for her, I’d succeeded long ago.
In the end…. I’m just sad. Still. Today, I don’t want to die or take my life. Will I feel like that tomorrow? I don’t know. I can’t predict what will happen tomorrow. I can’t predict if I’ll always be here or if I’ll always make the choice to stay alive. If I don’t, I hope the world knows – I tried and I didn’t do it to hurt them, but to save me.
But for today, I plan to keep trudging through this shitty ass world. Today, I wish I could give B a hug and tell him I understand. So many of us understand. Is it selfish? Maybe – But is it selfish to also want someone to live in so much pain they can’t handle being alive? Also Maybe.
I still didn’t get half of what I wanted wrote, but at least I got these feelings out.
More tomorrow.
Maybe.