Maybe manifestation is working… Retrieval scheduled for Saturday.

Let’s recap with yesterday’s manifestation rambling…

“So, for today I’ll end this with my manifestation, my believing, my praying….

Wednesday, June 7th, Baselines and Day 1 of Stims… I hoped to have 9 follicles on the right and 4 follicles on the left.  That was my manifestation.  Lucky number 13?

Instead I had 4 follicles on the right and 4 follicles on the left.  For a total of 8.  Not my dream, but a good start.  Especially the fact 4 of those follicles were way bigger than they should have been.

Monday, June 12th, Monitoring Appointment and Day 6 of Stims… I had a crazy manifestation of 5 on the left, 5 on the right – all bigger than 10.  With the caption “Dream Big”.  Instead, I had 3 on the right and 4 on the left that were over 10.  With 3 under 10 on the left also.   So, 7 with potential, 3 with at least a little potential if they decide to catch up.  Again, not my exact manifestation – But, hey, I got my 10.

Wednesday, June 14th, Monitoring Appointment and Day 8 of Stims (or I’ll stop stims and trigger) – Manifesting Goal = 3 on the Right, 7 on the Left.  All over 12 mm.  BUT, under 25 mm. Really, Ideally, I’d like 7 to be 15 – 20 mm.  There, that’s the manifestation – 7 between 15 – 20.  That’s dreaming.  In the end, I guess I need the 5 smaller ones and the 3 under 10 to grow faster and then 2 large ones to grow slower.  I’d take 7 in that range though.

Also, manifesting that my Estrogen will be 1,500……… Dream Big.”

That was my manifestation for today… 10 total, all over 12, but under 25. With an estrogen of over 1,500 – Initially, I know I was hoping 1,500 – 2,000 but decided that was being a little greedy and manifesting 1,500 would suffice.

Did manifesting work?  Am I crazy?

Well, obviously I’m crazy.  Aren’t we all?  The real question… Did it work?  Ummmm, yeah?

Today, June 14th…. Right Ovary – 4… FOUR… Follicles – ranging from 11.9 – 27.3.  Left Ovary – 6…SIX… Follicles – ranging from 11.55 – 16.75.  So, they could be rounded up to 12 essentially which means I met the bottom of the bracket and just had one that decided to get 2 mm to big.  But, close enough.  That is TEN follicles which is exactly what I’d manifested.  There is even a 7th one that my clinic didn’t mark down but my u/s lady told me it’s right over 10.  There’s one other one that may also keep growing.  So that actually gets me to 11 or 12 total! I’m amazed.

This is working.  It’s crazy.  But I’ll take anything at this point.  Anything.

When I’d began this process, I’d hoped for an unrealistic 13 follicles.  It’s turned into a pretty realistic thing.  I’m assuming there will surely be 12 there at retrieval, but that 4th one on the right just magically appeared today.  So, there is a chance there could still be lucky number 13 hiding to be found.  If not, I’m thrilled with 12 follicles.

I’d said I was manifesting 8 eggs, 7 fertilizing, 7 Day 3s, Transferring 2 Day 3s and getting 5 blasts… 2 Normal, 1 Mosaic.

I think I’m sticking with this manifestation mostly.  However, I want to change it around somewhat…

10 Mature Eggs that fertilize and make it to Day 3.

Transfer 2 Day’s 3s, leaving 8 to make it to Blast.

8 Blasts between Day 5 and Day 6.

That’s super hopeful.  Super unrealistic.  That’s not taking into account the 50% loss theory, but lets just forget the 50% loss theory.  Screw that.  Let’s hope for the best.  For real.

If I stick with 50% loss – 12 follicles, 6 eggs would be mature, 3 would fertilize, 1 would make it to blast.  Screw that.  Those are the depressing numbers that kill me.  No thank you.

Manifesting.  Believing.  I’m sticking with the crazy shit that seems to be going in my favor so far.  I’m getting 8 freaking blasts.  At least 6 blasts if I use 2 to transfer.  That’s that.

3 Day Transfer –

I’m manifesting this like crazy too.  I’ll probably be pretty disappointed and sad if this transfer fails as it likely will statistically. I’m tired of statistics though.  They suck.  Prayers and begging is more my line these days.

My perfect human would be due March 9th.

I picture this gorgeous baby with beautiful brown/black hair – Not a lot – just enough.  Blue eyes.  Beautiful lips.  This cute, perfect little nose.  And the most gorgeous skin coloring.  I imagine a birth using hypnotic birthing techniques, a playlist of my favorite songs, essential oils and no visitors.  Holding this little human for the first time and being deeply, madly in love.  I imagine long nights of rocking, nursing, wishing this baby would sleep but being so thankful I have him/her and not wanting to rush the night away.  I see this beautiful baby growing rolls and little wrist lines.  Snuggling this sweet boy or girl for Easter in the cutest little outfit.  Long spring walks in the fresh air.  A nursery painted perfectly.  I already imagine first words, first days of school.  I see it all.  If that can’t manifest him/her I’m not sure what can.

Yet, I never see exactly what sex in this daydreams… I truly don’t care… I just see this child, as either sex, perfectly.  The laughter.  The healing of my own soul as I realize I can raise a healthy human and protect it from the trauma of my own past.  Either way, he’s got adorable dark hair, cut so it’s wavy or she’s got long dark hair with cute pigtails and the sweetest smile.  Either way, he or she is laughing and so happy.

This… This human is what I want so badly in my life… To do it right.  To be the best parent I can possibly be.

Just a couple more weeks and I’ll know if this is reality or just hope….  But, until I’m told otherwise I’m going to continue manifestations and whatever else sounds silly but feels okay.