Maladaptive Coping Styles

Maladaptive Coping Styles – therapists words. Not mine thank you. I think my coping styles are just fucking fine.

I’m still struggling to accept the things M says and does. He doesn’t even deserve to have his name spelled out these days. He’s turned into an utterly mean person.

Spent 3 hours in therapy yesterday. Seriously. I felt like it had been forever and thought it was just me as sometimes I think that and glance at the clock and we’re only 13 minutes in. But no, it was 3 long, painful, rambling hours. I spilled more than I’ve spilled it months.

It was some hard shit. She agrees things had been going so good. That’s why we were moving back to the deeper work and she too was blindsided by this whole M leaving “I want to” thing. By the fact he had got a rental. She never saw that coming in all the talks we’ve had.

As I was rambling I mentioned his trailer court being bought out and they’re turning it into like a HOA concept. And his trailer does NOT meet criteria. It needs to be burned down. He’s mentioned he was moving it all to the garage of his new house and selling the trailer (he’s literally going to have to pay someone to scrap it). And it all made sense to her – She feels with his crazy attachment to his stuff he panicked and this is his solution. He admitted the other day he has past trauma and can’t bring it here when I suggested he could have the garage here for this project for the summer. She reminded me when he moved in with his hoarding tendencies I did struggle. I forgot she’s right. She thinks it’s all a trauma response and he’s dysregulated and doing whatever he can do to not lose his stuff. And this has pushed him into thinking he should be with his stuff. And somehow got mixed in I’m not the right thing anymore – why she doesn’t know but she said she does know it all goes to that lease.

She also mentioned she’s always believed he’s on the spectrum. He’s the smartest, stupidest person I’ve ever met. She’s likely right. He’s got obvious tendencies. She explained that many times people with these disabilities can’t/don’t having feelings, emotions like someone without it would. He’s running on facts and statistics and probable outcomes. Not true emotions. He’s convinced himself his misperceptions are accurate. She said it’s normal for a distorted view of reality. It’s not me. It’s him.

I’m still so sad. I’ve accepted him for who he is. I’ve accepted he’s “special”. I’ve came around to enjoying things he enjoys. We’ve really built what I thought was a solid foundation after some really hard times. It was getting better each week. We were happy again. So I still don’t understand. Too little too late he says. Or he says “I know the probable statistic based on the past history it is will end and I don’t want to waste time waiting for that.”  What if it doesn’t tho? What if it keeps getting better? If we don’t go through IVF together again the past won’t repeat. I feel we’ve both learned valuable lessons. I have mistakes I won’t repeat in this relationship. I’ve grown as a person. So has he. But he goes back to “ he knows historically how it’ll end tho”. God forbid we think positive. No, he’s stuck in knowing.

Again, my therapist explains he has his own trauma. She sees his fears coming out. I am the only person in his life to ever hold him accountable. To ever help him grow as a person. To ever help him adult. And that’s scary. She isn’t convinced he’s leaving but that he’ll have stuff at my house and his house. To not lose his stuff. That he doesn’t value money like I do and paying $850 to hoard shit is nothing to him.

I counter I think he will leave. I expect him to never return and this makes me so fucking sad. I can’t handle it. I don’t want him to leave as I KNOW it’s better, I KNOW it’s getting better, I KNOW I love him, I KNOW he loves me. I know the future isn’t what the pictures.

She agrees. But I can’t control that. If he leaves like I think he’s doing. It is what it is. I have no control but to work on me. I’ve said everything I could possibly say. She says it’s my “parts” coming out. My broken soul from childhood trauma terrified of being left. Again. Especially with all this going on. She says I need to focus on me and back off. By begging, pleading, repeating myself I’m not helping anything. I’m likely coming off as confrontational, emotional, over stimulating for him and what he can handle.

I tell her I’m not giving him the permission he wants. I won’t do it. That’s fine. I don’t have to. He’s an adult. He doesn’t need permission to leave. I don’t have to agree. I just have to quit obsessing to him. I have to be me.

Her response I’m to say and only say when he starts in or mentions moving out – As I’ve already told you, I’m not okay with this and I still want to work on our relationship. I can’t give you permission for something I don’t feel is right.

And move on. Don’t obsess. Don’t beg. Don’t reason. Leave it at that. Because there’s nothing more I can say. Because I’ve said it all. Because it isn’t helping. Because it’s probably doing the opposite.

Thats hard. So hard. I’m working on it. But I still want to constantly argue how stupid this is. She said I can’t say stupid anymore either. Yesterday I wasn’t very good at this. Today I wasn’t good to start but I’m finally getting better at it. It just hurts. A lot.

I’ve got therapy again Monday – Every Monday for awhile and some Thursdays too I guess.

So for the maladaptive coping – I’m to call my medication provider and get in. Let her know I’m choosing maladaptive skills and request a medication boost of something until I’m stable.  I don’t want to. But I will. Maybe. My skills aren’t that bad.

I did randomly get 3 piercings Wednesday and scheduled two tattoo appointments. They had been on my list for awhile tho. I just hadn’t done it. Why did I choose now? Because I hurt so bad inside I needed physical release. I needed physical pain. I needed it to get better. And it did for a little bit.

I didn’t cut – I have a history of cutting as a teen. That comes and goes. But I’m kind of doing okay. Only one slice in the last few months. Do I want to? Hell yes. The release with physical pain when you hurt so bad emotionally. It’s unexplainable. I read somewhere it’s like doing a hit of heroin. Everything goes calm for a minute. She says this is a part of me too – This is the 14 year old hurt girl. I had went years without cutting. She asked when it resumed. When I filed for divorce and was having a really bad day and wanted it to stop. Did you cut after your ex made you come over to his house everyday? Ummm, yeah. I guess that’s when it did start again. One night I got home and sat in the shower sobbing afterwards and just couldn’t stop.

So resuming cutting was triggered by the sexual abuse you had resumed experiencing. Just like it was trigged by sexual abuse when you were 14. Wow. Connect. The. Dots. Sure.

And she explained it’s so addictive once you start again it’s hard to stop until you do feel peace and calm again. And I’m far from piece and calm. True.

And that’s all I’ve got. I found a little piece today. My embryo I thought was destroyed wasn’t. The embryologist called to see if I’d changed my mind and would want to keep him. Seriously? I thought he was gone in October when we submitted the form. No, they hold them longer to be sure you weren’t thinking with emotion and to be positive it’s okay. Is this my sign to give my final, beautiful boy a chance? I said I was done doing IVF with M. But if we aren’t together – I’ll absolutely consider my Hail Mary. People become SMBC all the time. He signed in the beginning I could have all embryos if we weren’t together. That child is MINE. Do I think he’ll stick? Not really. His grade wasn’t great. Am I willing to give him a chance? Yes. Is this a sign – finding out I still have one embryo available to me at the point I’m at. To know I have hope. To know maybe I don’t have to live in this huge house all alone.

I won’t do it today. I did pay the storage today. But he can stay there. Frozen. Safe. Until I’m mentally stable and okay with this. Is it fair to M? I think it is. He told me the other day he’d decided he wasn’t sure he even wanted our daughter anymore and had been worried it would be irresponsible for him just to leave me pregnant. So losing her made that choice for him. He just really wanted his genetics in the world as he’s so great. Not even kidding. (Thanks asshole.) So me doing it on my own from the beginning – it holds him to no responsibility and if he’d become a living baby – his genetics will be in the world just fine. Trust me. I’ll process this a lot more before scheduling a transfer. But this has given me some hope. That just maybe everything does happen for a reason. And at the least, I’ll never have the “what if” thoughts I’ve been having about the fact I destroyed that embryo and maybe he’d of been my rainbow baby. Even if he doesn’t make it. I’ll know he got a chance. A beautiful chance.