Loneliness. My messed up family.

Another day is over. I’m still breathing and alive for it. Yay for me. To say I’m struggling to find the light in life is an understatement. The dark thoughts are real. It all just truly sucks currently.

We’ve done nothing today. Cleaned some. Grocery shopping. Made dinner. Worked on crocheting a blanket. D played and watched far too many movies. She’s never asked before tho and I can never convince her to. So I just let it go as her neighborhood friend is gone for the weekend and I know she’s bored. She needs to be a kid. Indulging in Disney movies and having fun is part of that.

I just spent the day inside my head during all this. Quietly letting the tears stream down my face as I think about my life, relationships, pain, loneliness. Of course she doesn’t see this. D thinks life is pretty great here. Good for her.

The holidays kick my ass. Over and over again. Last year they sucked. This year they suck already. They’ve always sucked. I’d of sold my soul for a different life – especially during this season. The season that reminds me how alone I really am. The one that constantly makes my heart ache.

It’s been 15 months now since I went no-contact and then gave in to low-contact with my narcissistic mother. I know a small part of me had truly hoped she’d have a wake up call and change. Of course not. She’s the victim. Poor her.

I get so angry and so sad when I think of how she’s stolen my life, my happiness, my future. Some that have began regularly reading – I was lucky enough to be a teen parent. I say lucky as without teen pregnancy I’d of never been pregnant or had a baby. As I’ve been infertile since I turned 20/21 – literally. Why isn’t that enough? Why can’t I be happy with the kids I was blessed with at a young age?

They really aren’t mine. Legally – yes. Biologically – yes. Emotionally – not even close. My mom swooped in from day one and “helped”. I was so young. Fighting so hard to give them a good life. I just let her. I thought it was helping. I thought she was my village.

She was just my villain. Helping because it helped her look good. Holding it over my head. Alienating me. Turning them against me. Literally, stealing their love with money and possessions. The things she did with my children would make the world say – WTF. She couldn’t just be their grandma. She had to steal the mom role. I was too young, too naive, too broke, too alone – I didn’t know any better. I didn’t see the writing on the wall until it was too late. If I gave her boundaries, she’d say whatever to them as teens and I’d get the hate from the kids. If I offered them something or tried to raise them – she’d one up me. If I told them no, she’d do it anyways. I’m not talking buying some ice cream – I’m talking THOUSANDS of dollars to these kids for things like vehicles, dirt bikes, big ticket items.

I wasn’t the best mom. I was 15 for crying out loud. I tried though. My kids were clean, fed, loved. Yet, it wasn’t enough. She could always offer more. Then she’d post on Facebook how she’s Grandma/Mom of the year. A glory whore is what my exhusband called her. She didn’t do it to be nice. She did it to be praised. To win.

I thought this was normal until I was in my 30s and realized how bad it was. How manipulative and hurtful she was. By then I had teens and it was impossible to fix. I finally cut her off when I asked to spend college move in weekend with my son and she wouldn’t respect it. She had to go to. Then she had my daughter texting me that I was a horrible person and they wanted nothing to do with me as their grandma does everything. I cried for hours. I’m sure that entry is back in July/August 2022 and then I gave up. I let her do it all. I showed up to just pay the fees, buy the stuff and move him in. That’s when I knew I would always deserve better than someone that gaslights my kids into being mad at me.

My life sucks with those kids ever since. If I have a plan to go to where they are. She books the same days and they’re busy. I’m not invited to holidays. I spend it all alone or with coworkers. I found out this week my daughter was cooking Thanksgiving at her house – my son is staying there – my parents are going. No invite for me but my daughter said I could send D with my mom. Christmas is the same. Thanks.

When I see a post on a Narcissistic Moms FB Group and someone is talking about how their mom is so nice to their little kids. Maybe they should let her be. She treats the kids how they always wish she treated them. I always want to scream – No. Run. She will steal those kids from you. She will buy them. She will gaslight them. It isn’t what it seems. Sadly, my daughter has picked up many of my mother’s ways a demonstrates narcissistic traits too. I hate myself for letting her have the access to my kids I did.

Looks like my holidays are the same. Alone.

THIS is part of why starting my own family now was so important to me. Why my baby daughter was so important. It was a chance to start over. A chance to do it right. A chance to raise my child away from my mom and have the bond and family I deserve. To have the relationships that were stolen from me. To have MY family to spend the holidays with. Having that hope and dreams and being soooo close to it becoming a reality – it hurts twice as bad.

I’ll always love my kids. I’ll always be here when they realize she isn’t perfect and she’s buying them. However, I’m not sure that will ever happen.  They really only come around when they need something. Holidays and events are always my mom as she can by them off, brine them.  I’ve mentally realized it likely won’t ever happen but it still hurts and I don’t know if I’ll ever accept it.

Without more rounds of IVF I’ll never get that second chance. I’ll never get to experience the true bond and love of being a mom without interference. I’ll never get to see what the real dream of motherhood is like.

I’m sad. So fucking sad.