Lied to Myself – Negatives do hurt.

I lied.  Absolutely, positively lied to myself.  Completely.

This whole time I said I’d take home pregnancy tests leading up to my beta as “I’m used to a negative”.  Well, I am used to a negative.  Completely.  100%.  They didn’t phase me…

However, I’m not  used to a negative after injecting my body with tons of shots.  After going through painful procedures.  After KNOWING I have a growing embryo inside of me who SHOULD be able to stick.  Yep, not used to that negative.  That negative hits in a whole different way.  A totally worse, painful way.  A heartbreaking way.

Now I wish I’d of never tested.  I’d of like false hope longer.  I should have waited.  It hurt when I didn’t think it could hurt and THIS sucks.

I’m only 7DP3DT.  Essentially 10 DPO.  Blaringly negative.  Yes, I know it’s early.  I know it’s still possible.  Yet, I don’t “feel” like anything is different.  I don’t “feel” like I’ll see that positive in the next 2 days and basically if there isn’t a faint line Wednesday the chance I’m done is greater than the chance I’m still in.  Ugh.

I never thought this would be easy.  I never thought we’d have success the first try.  I never thought we’d have the numbers we have.  So, I guess once we had everything going so well I started to feel more hopeful and convinced this just might be working.  Now, I’ve saw that negative and am brought back to the harsh reality that it probably isn’t.  The statistics “it takes, on average, 3 transfers for 1 live birth”.  Gosh, I wanted to be the better statistic.  I didn’t want to do this three damn times.  I wanted to just be pregnant and puking and miserable and thrilled.  All in one.

It’s rough to think all these shots.  All this healthy eating.  All these meds.  Are for nothing.  I want this baby.  Badly.  So badly.  And I can’t say today I want to do this process over and over again.

Plus waiting – Waiting for my genetic testing to come back – Will I have 3 healthy, perfect embryos to work with?  Or will I have 3 horribly abnormal embryos that have no chance of life and nothing to work with?  Suddenly, I’m just stuck on negative thinking – That I’ll have nothing to work with.  That I’ll have to do the whole process again or give up.  Sigh.  It just sucks.

And it really sucks to realize I will NEVER get pregnant naturally.  There is NO leaving this to chance at this point.  If I don’t pay thousands, I will not be pregnant.  Clean and simple.

Meanwhile, I’ll keep just waiting, praying, hoping – That somehow this is successful or somehow I have 3 perfect embryos.  Gosh, I so hope.