Just another day.

I’m currently sad. Like I just want to sit here and cry because I’m so f’ing tired of not being 100%. I can’t live off of steroids forever which seem to be the only relief in my life and I’m super fucking annoyed.

My spots are mostly gone/better. Last night my ear pain return. They hurt and it’s not cool. Ironically the pain was gone while I was on the higher doses of steroids and returned the night I take the last tapered dose. Yeah, she said they aren’t infected but there’s inflammation from Covid. Now I’ll sit here and wait to see if they get better. I have no idea what to do.

My feet have hurt so bad. I’ve showered the last two nights after work and the hot water feels amazing. Like just to sit there and let the water hit my feet. I was thinking last night it was amazing I could feel the water so good as I’ve never felt like it was massaging before. And it simply felt great.

My hands have also hurt. I just kept thinking it was the calamine lotion drying it out and the bleach water at work. Sleeping last night I kept noticing numbness in my hands. Today they still hurt. Kind of like my feet hurt. Just sore, odd feelings.

I’ve put little thought into this until last night and today. I did start thinking it was odd how the shower water felt on my feet and I’d never noticed that before. Super odd. How can water feel like a full blown massage? And why do my hands always have this odd hurting feeling even now that I’m caking lotion on them?  The best way to describe my hands – They just feel hyper sensitive.

Well, it appears this could all be autoimmune related. Possibly on the lines of neuropathy and similar to my bizarre chicken pox rash. Added with my ears still hurting. And the awful dizziness that returned today – It appears my body is simply jacked up and angry. Still. It’s been 5 1/2 weeks. I don’t even know where to begin at this point. I’m frustrated. To say the least. So, I’m just going to hang out and see if things go away on their own. I have no idea really.

I’ll have my labs ran this weekend to see if there’s anything huge that looks crazy or changing or odd. I’m scheduled for an actual Health Screening that also does full labs on 3/15. And I guess if I’m still all out of sorts or those show anything I’ll schedule with my primary to begin figuring it out. Tho I feel like nobody can fix me and I don’t want to get a bunch of new prescriptions. (I also don’t want my hands and feet to feel like this forever.)

But for now – today – I’m feeling pretty miserable and down. I’m just not winning.

Sometimes, when I feel this crappy – I somehow start to miss Captain Douche. Today I was driving to work. Feeling less than stellar. And somehow started thinking about him – I was thinking how I felt free. Literally, a few days and he should be moved if he was telling the truth. But then I suddenly had a feeling of longing and sadness. I don’t feel sad often. When I do it sucks. I guess it’s just hard – I spent 14 years sharing life with him. Now, it’s just done. Nothing shared. Not a – hey, I think this is jacked up or hey, thank god it’s Friday. Just – nothing. Jax is potty trained. He’d of been thrilled for this. But – nothing.

I have to remind myself if we weren’t divorced, if things were still the same – He wouldn’t care anyways. It wouldn’t matter. I’d be miserable and alone. He’d be drinking in the garage. He’d be bitching about any medical appointments I was going to make – How much is this going to cost us? He’d be bitching that I can’t keep the house clean enough during my misery. He wouldn’t be helping. It would be awful. It’s not him I miss. It’s the idea of him and us I had in my head.

I have to remind myself how awful he truly is. How this weird thing I miss isn’t real, but the illusion I’d dreamt up. In reality, suffering through these illnesses with him by my side would have been a truly awful experience. I know this. Deep in my soul I do.

Trauma bonds are a weird thing. The body and mind is a weird thing. Really. The addiction to toxic is crazy. It’s all just a mind fuck really. I’m simply thankful I’ve done enough work to understand this, to remind myself it’s all false memories and hopes, not reality. Thankful I’ve built myself up this far to not pathetically text or call him.

I know I deserve more. I always have and always will. Now my mind needs to return to remembering how awful of a human he was and quit trying to revert to the false images I dreamed of.