IVF Journey is awful. Work Rambling.

Another “fun” day at work.  Note the sarcasm.

We’ve got a new scanning platform to keep all of our files electronically.  It’s great – but time consuming and repetitively boring.  Thus, I’m just scanning in between actual tasks.  All my files for May forward are current.  Now, I’m just keeping up on daily scanning and scanning backwards.  I may be done in like 6 months.  Ha.  However, I’ll be done before my co-workers as I’m fairly confident nobody else has even started.  It appears our workload is often a “suggestion” to the people I work with and not an actual task.

Then I get to go wait tables tonight.  I’m NOT excited.  Last night was decent.  The normal people I work with called in.  I feel like I may have missed the memo on whatever fun activity the young kids were done.  Ha.  I worked with a girl I never have before – Side-work skills are decent.  Waitressing skills leave a lot to be desired.  Seems to be the normal around there.  She’s been doing this a few months there though so I was slightly shocked on how slow and lack of attention to customers she had.  Then commented at the end of the night that everyone was crappy tippers – Well, yeah, you get tipped for service.  Not failing to notice new tables, failing to give refills, sitting on your phone or leaving food in the window.  Strange.  My tips were fine – not great – but considering it was slower, it was fine.  Nobody tipped beyond fabulously – but it all evened out in the end.  I still averaged $30.35/hour.  It was an odd night of tables that didn’t tip at all – my service was good, it was like they literally forgot or expected someone else at the table to tip.  Like a “hey, I’ll get the bill, you leave the tip”.  Those people – sucked.  P.S.A. – When someone else pays for your whole meal and your food is free – leave the damn tip or be honest and tell them you don’t have cash.  Losers.  (Also, if you don’t have any money don’t order the most expensive food on the menu.  I had a table of two guys that obviously work together in some kind of construction field.  One orders an average priced salad.  The other orders the most expensive steak.  At the end they come up to the til and both look a little confused.  Like someone is waiting for the other to whip out money.  So, I simply ask – Do you guys want this separate?  Salad guy – Uhhh, yeah, that would be great.  So, I tell him his total and the steak guy is still standing there strangely.  Salad guy finally asks him – Do you even have any money?  Welll, not really, if I have to get my food I won’t have enough.  Uhhhhhh?  So, salad guy said he’d just get both and he could get him back.  How about I take you to lunch on payday?  I shut up but wanted to say – Ummm, his lunch will not cost near as much as that steak anywhere in town.  People amaze me.

I started the extra medication for transfer yesterday.  Progesterone is the same as always.  I don’t understand why some have such issues to the injection.  It isn’t bad.  The lovenox continues to kill me far more.  The newest medication I’ve never had before is the Prograf.  I’ve realized today it’s the cause of my “crappy” feeling.  In just 24 hours of taking it I don’t feel “great”.  I’m tired and I just feel like I’m getting sick.  Sure enough, googling today after lunch – that’s a side effect.  It’s essentially suppressing my immune system so that when we transfer the embryos my immune system doesn’t try to attack them.  The issue is, it’s leaving me susceptible to all other illnesses and contributing to this general sense of feeling unwell.  I’m not sick, sick.  I just feel like I want to be sick.  Ugh.  Praying I don’t actually get sick.  Also, praying I get time to sleep.

Currently, I’m back to REALLY struggling on this whole transfer concept.  I start to have doubts horribly on if what I’m doing is “right”.  The pressure is real to make the perfect choices to allow ultimate success.  Trial and error with what could be human life is not a fun hobby for me.  Especially, knowing the cost of this trial and error and that I’m running out of options and this is pretty much it.

Inside fight number 1 – HCG Booster or Not.  I don’t know.  At all.  Research articles have differing views.  Some believe it helps, some believe it can’t.  Some say it helps more with natural cycles and I’m doing medicated so it’s pointless.  Yet, it DOES help some.  Could it hurt?  Could it cause my body to have TOO much progesterone and not be receptive?  Maybe.  Possibly.  Maybe not.  It seems it can’t really hurt, but it isn’t always needed.  I’m torn.  So freaking torn.  I want to do everything possible to make this work.  However, I don’t want to risk and do “too much”.  Every time I think I’ve made a decision I go back to doubting myself.  Seriously, I don’t think I’ll have a decision until the moment I have to do the shot or skip the shot.  I’ll just keep researching and trying to figure it out.

Inside fight number 2 – I’ve been deadset I’d transfer both embryos this time.  Deadset.  Suddenly, I’m having doubts.  What if the complex makes the LLM not work?  What if it sets something off in my body that wants to make it impossible to allow implantation?  What if somehow transferring both makes neither work?  Yet, what if I don’t transfer him and he could have worked?  What if I don’t transfer him and the LLM doesn’t work anyways and I’ve wasted my chance to get him in there to?  Wasted my chance to give him a chance?  I’m struggling so bad with these choices.

I just don’t want to take any chances.  I don’t want these babies to not work.  I don’t want to find out in 2 weeks that I’m not pregnant – Again.  I’m over finding that out.  Over.  It.

I need this baby or these babies.  I need to reach this goal and be successful.  The only way to do that – is perfection.  Yet, I don’t know what perfection is.  I don’t know.  This just freaking sucks.

The roller coaster is real.  Ups and downs.  Pure hope followed by pure fear of failure.  It’s not a journey I’d wish on anyone.  It’s an awful journey.

In the end… I have no idea what I’m doing today.  I AM transferring the LLM.  100%.  I’m debating the Complex.  I feel like my plan was to transfer him and I should stick with it.  The embryologist told me in the very beginning “if I already had something set, don’t change it at the last minute, stick with my gut”.  So, that would be transferring both.  However, honestly, if the doctor or embryology would try to talk me out of it on transfer day – If they had scientific reasons.  I’d listen.  So, I guess in the end – I plan to transfer both today barring medical reasons not to.

As for the boosters – I have no idea.  I think I’ll ask the doctor about that too.  Maybe just let him/her make the final choice.

I need to just breath and go with the flow.  Relax.  Peace.  *sigh*

I am over this journey.

Let me skip to the good part…. All squishy, amazing smelling, baby time.  That part.