I’ve missed you all!

I’m extremely skeptical about doing an entry with any substance as this site seems to have mass issues and is not overly cooperating for me to do anything.  Nothing worse then typing a huge entry then to have it all magically time out and disappear.  That would be massively depressing.  I will try it though.  Something.  After the last week of OD being down I’m beginning to think it really is time to go elsewhere but where that is I have no idea.  Any of my bookmarks move on yet?  I LOVE OD.  I could do a blog.  But I hate the aspect that when you search something on google a blog could come up.  I don’t want millions of people to be able to read my stuff.  Yeah, I know OD could allow millions of people, but that’s different.  It’s virtually ungoogleable (Ha, new word).  We will see.  I’m just terrified of this site magically disappearing for good someday.

I haven’t updated in a lifetime.  But I do read.  Semi-frequently.  My computer just doesn’t cooperate with posting.  (I think I may have just got that fixed though.  It was the stupid editor settings.)  And things are hectic.  Crazy hectic

I’m still working at the state.  I love my job.  Most days.  I think.  It’s been super busy.  My coworker is on maternity leave until January.  So it’s just been me & my lazy coworker for the past 10 weeks.  Crappy.  I’ve essentially did the work of 2 1/2 people this whole time.  The amazing part is I’m caught up.  Completely.  Not super behind like other counties.  But that included some super long days & comp hours.  It seems crazy I’ve been there for a year.  I’m WAY happier there then mental health.  

Ty quit the State last month.  He couldn’t take the money anymore & was deadset he should go back to the oilfield.  So he did.  He’s working on a workover rig.  This basically means they go & fix pumps that are broken, need maintenance, etc.  He’s home every  night but generally works 75-90+ hours a week.  He leaves by 4 am & often doesn’t get home until 8 pm. Supposed to be Monday – Friday but they’ve been working Saturdays & sometimes they work Sundays.  The money is amazing though.  He’s figured out that one check there is equal to 2+ checks from the state put together.  It sucks he’s gone that much, but it would be great if I could actually get some bills paid off. And I personally think I like life more when he’s working constantly.  It’s more work for me, but it’s more peaceful without his constant negative energy.

The child support quit already.  Go figure.  I’d have bills paid off by now if it wasn’t for that. I’ve got no clue why.  The arrears were FINALLY paid off & that very month the payments quit.  I believe it’s 3 months or $3,000 whichever happens first they will pull the drivers license.  And then the following month they’ll issue a warrant.  So, I’m just waiting until January to call CSED and ask if they know whats going on.  By then he’ll be ready to not have a license.  I know by facebook he’s working.  I’m guessing he just switched companies?  And is in no hurry to report it?  Oh well, he seems to report the moment the drivers license is pulled.

The kids are doing fairly well.  They’re still alive.  I suppose that’s a plus. 

Alex has had issues with his asthma yet again.  Well, I suppose he’s constantly having issues between the allergies, asthma and eczema.  The last ped we saw left so we saw a new doctor last time.  She thinks these problems are even affecting his behavior as when allergies are out of control your body works double time to fight them & it causes all kind of issues.  So with all that she referred us to an allergy specialist.  We see them on Monday actually.  We will do some form of allergy testing.  No idea exactly what until the appointment.  They did state it could take two days.  Thank God I have good insurance.  The doctor wants allergy shots to begin after all the testing is done.  We will see how that all goes.  Hopefully it helps.  He isn’t doing all that great in school or anywhere.  He has ZERO focus and just doesn’t seem to care this year.  I don’t know if it’s the age, him, the teacher, what.  It’s exhausting.  Especially considering he use to have AMAZING grades & always excelled.  They did some kind of national testing at the beginning of the year.  Alex scored WAY above average in math.  The teacher said he had the HIGHEST score out of the school (that grade) & she couldn’t believe that was him.  Yet, he’s bringing home crappy grades.  Sadly I think part is him just not caring & a huge part is the teacher.  He just doesn’t seem to connect with her or her teaching methods at all.  I’m sure she’s a good teacher.  She’s just not good for him.  Needless to say I’m praying this year goes quickly so we can move on.  And ideally the allergy shots could help him focus.  The doctor sure seems to think they could.

Zak.  *sigh*  Zak is exhausting.  On positives… He’s doing GREAT in school.  His teacher is amazing this year & actually works with him.  The IEP team is FINALLY amazing.  I’m super sad he will move onto middle school next year as I FINALLY have the results I want at his current school & that took years of fighting.  Ugh.  Zak generally averages D’s & F’s. Some C’s.  Ty told him if he could get all C’s or better he’d buy him some stupid electronic.  (Today he wants an IPOD, yesterday it was a PS4.  So who knows).  Well, his teacher said it worked & she’s never saw this drastic of a change that actually lasted in any student. At midterms he’d brought ALL of his grades up to A’s, B’s & C’s.  And I’ve noticed his grades have been even better lately.  We will see what report cards bring as that’s the deadline for the electronic.  He’s doing AWESOME at school overall.   Behavior.  Yeah, that’s a totally different discussion.  Some days are excellent.  He’s nice, sweet, helpful, polite.  Other days I’d like to just have someone take him away & keep him forever.  This weeks been a rough week.  I don’t know why.  Maybe a break in routine from all the stupid Christmas celebrations at school?  He’s been mean, uncontrollable, not sleeping etc.  His psychiatrist told me when this happens.  Almost like a manic episode.  To increase the evening dose of his meds by double & just to let him know.  So, this week I did.  After 15 minutes of having him in a therapeutic hold all the while he’s FREAKING out I was able to convince him he’d swallow TWO pills.  Things have gotten better since then.  Today is the winter equinox I believe.  That could also be effecting him.  Yes, equinox, full moons & season changes GREATLY affect mood disorders.  I don’t know.  When things are good they are very good & when they are bad they are very bad.  

T

he dogs are crazy & good.  The birds are crazy & good.  I’m loving the new one.  She’s still super sweet.  So far.  Knock on wood.  🙂

I’ve been off my meds for a year.  Crazy? Yes, probably.  But the weight gain was also crazy.  Honestly, I too have good days & bad days.  But for the most part I feel pretty great.  I personally think my moods & emotions are normal.  I feel I regulate pretty well.  If I feel I may be going manic I force myself to sleep with meds & regulate myself.  If I feel depressed, well there’s no time to sit around, so I force myself through that & all is well.  I still take the ambien nightly.  Xanax/Ativan/Klonopin a couple times a month.  Really, I’m doing pretty good overall & have NO plans on going back on any antidepressants or mood stabilizers.  I’d rather be psychotic then fat.  (But I’m not psychotic right now.  I swear. lol)

Another great friend of mine chose to end his own life this month.  I’m struggling with that.  I get it.  I really do.  And that could be why it’s so hard for me.  I can imagine how he must of felt to actually get to that point.  To have the courage to just end it all.  Be done & go into the unknown.  My heartbreaks that he hurt that badly.  That his last days were that sad.  On facebook he frequently posted crazy things.  Just a couple months ago I’d messaged him in regards to a blowing his brains out post & told him I could relate some days but we had to keep on keeping on.  He had seemed better the last few weeks.  Now I see he wasn’t better.  He was just over it.  He was done publicly declaring the end.  It was like the calm before the storm.  Maybe acceptance?  I’m just sad I didn’t get to say good bye I guess.  I’m glad his life of pain is over.  His struggle with depression, bipolar disorder, addictions.  It’s done.  He’s at peace.  That I can accept.  The no good bye angers me though.  He posted a couple awesome "happy" pictures moments before he did it I guess.  Like his final good bye.  *sigh*  He will be missed.  A lot.  One of his last jobs he got paid cash to work under the table cleaning port-a-pottys.  Yuck.  I had asked how he could do it.  See him covered in nasty shit.  Literally.  His response "Just pretend the stuff you suck out is blue playdough." lol  I’ve thought of him EVERY port-a-potty I’ve seen & I’m sure I’ll continue thinking of him at every one.  I think part of why it bothers me so much is that could be Zak in 20 years.  Easily considering the shared many of the same diagnosis and struggles.  🙁  RIP my friend.

Well, I should probably go clean.  This has turned into a ginormous novel.  Pray to God that it saves.  Nicely.