Inherited Behavior

I’ve accomplished nothing today. Self pity. Exhaustion. Sleep. That’s pathetically it. Tomorrow I WILL be more productive. I hope.

He was gone for over a week. I realized something – That week was amazing. My anxiety was so much better. I didn’t worry about what I was walking into. It was lonely but a good lonely. It’s so much worse being lonely when you shouldn’t be because someone else is in the same house.

He’s not fixable. He never will be. I had to laugh. Like genuinely, 150% laugh. He complained on how horrible his trip was. How horrible his dad was. This was probably the longest he’s spent with his dad since he was a kid. He just kept going – He was so grouchy. So impatient. It was his way or no way. He yelled at other cars. He threw a fit even when he was the one at fault. He went on and on and on.

I laughed. That’s all I had in me. He asks why that’s funny. Why? Because you just described yourself. Because you spent a week with your clone. Because now you see what I live with every single day. It was like you were looking in the mirror. He didn’t find this as funny. Then he said that scared him. He’d change.

More laughter. He can’t change. He won’t change. He will be a horrible person deep inside until he does. Yeah, he can fake it in public. He can be smooth. He can be likable. But in the depths of his soul – He sucks.

How long did his “change” last? Ummmmmm. Not even 24 hours. Seriously. Imagine that. He’s awful. Why am I here? Because it’s financially just easier. Because I’ve made it this long. What’s a few more miserable years? Because I seriously just wish he’d die. I wait. Thinking maybe today will be the day. Maybe? My exhusband passed less than a year after our divorce. Seriously. I guess I just keep thinking that if I stick it out maybe it can happen again. But before the divorce. Or maybe I just don’t want to left with the feelings I had after that death. It was rough.

Who knows. I wish I could predict the future. Badly.

I did get my tax stuff ready to file. That was…. fun…. Hopefully, I’ll get a decent amount back. Hopefully. I can dream. Okay – Hopefully I simply don’t have to pay in. That’s probably the real goal.

Of course – I slept far too much this afternoon and am now waiting for Benadryl to kick in so I can sleep and start fresh tomorrow!