I REALLY like him.

I like him.
Like genuinely like him.
Not just lust him. Not infatuated with him. Not obsessed with him just to have someone to distract me. Not hanging out with him because it’s better than being alone. No. None of that.
Genuine like. Real interest. Legit catching feelings.
I REALLY LIKE HIM.
Thus, I’m terrified. This guy has the real potential to hurt me. Badly.

That sums it up. Terrified. Today I drove away from him after dropping him off at his semi. Almost in tears. Why am I crying after a nice couple days together? Because I like him sooooooooo freaking much and I’m sooooooooo scared I’m going to be left broken.

Like I want to run away now to avoid getting hurt. Yet, in the same breath I want to run closer and never let go. I don’t like feeling like this. I like just being attached enough for a distraction but not enough to be heart broken. Just enough to be angry when they go away but not super sad. This guy tho – I’m going to be sad if he goes away and this whatevership has barely begun. Yeah, hence why I want to run away before I’m anymore attached.

I think we’ve met before. I know. Sounds strange. However, I really do. I’ve felt this for awhile. Then he made the comment we did live in the same town in 2009 and we’d probably met based on where I worked. Maybe he feels it too? I was a waitress that often worked the night shift. Bar money was good money. I’ve always remembered the guy that came in with the most beautiful eyes. Nice voice. Drunk. Bar close. Left me his number. Of all the numbers I got that was one I never forgot. I always threw them away. This time I saved it in my phone. I never called. I was with my exhusband. But there was just something about that guy. I wanted to know more. I wanted to look into those beautiful eyes and that perfect smile forever. I’ve never forgot those eyes. He’s got those eyes, the smile, the voice. I’d say it’s a 90% chance it was the same person. He was just younger back then. It’s been 15 years. So was I. I’ll never know for sure but I do think so. The. Eyes.

I met him halfway and got a hotel room the last couple nights. He had to work out of there and we both wanted to see each other. It was nice. We both worked the days but the evenings were priceless. He makes me feel special, wanted, liked. We talk, eat, drink. Watch football. Talk more. He is probably the best “snuggle buddy” I’ve ever met. Holding me. Gently, mindlessly rubbing wherever his hand happens to be. It’s like – it’s just meant to be, habits already. I like it.

He mentioned his days off are supposed to be Monday/Tuesday next week but he was sure to point out I was already busy Tuesday – Yeah, I scheduled my tattoo not knowing he’d be off. But I’m off Monday. So I suggested he come up Sunday, we’ll have all Monday. Then he can go with to my tattoo or sleep in. I’m hoping he’ll really show up. We will see. I love being near him, even if we aren’t going anything special – yet, it’s very special. I really hope he makes it.

I had therapy this week and have some homework to do. I haven’t looked at it yet tho. She commented that I talk about Tom was differently than I ever did Jeff or Max. Commenting that she thinks I really do like this one and it seems positive so far. She warned me not to self sabotage and to do the homework to work on creating a healthy, secure attachment.

Which brings me back to – I’m scared to get hurt. I’m scared to get let down. I’m scared to get left and abandoned. I’m scared when he doesn’t text for awhile that maybe he’s just done with me. I overthink. I fear. I let my imagination run away. But I’m working really hard to not run with those fears. To reframe and talk sense into myself. It’s rough. So rough. So many people have let me down it’s expected by my brain.

So far, he handles my texts well. He reassures me. He shared his location in like day 2 so I could see how far he was from me, but also so I can see he’s working and obviously can’t reply when driving a semi loaded with fuel. It’s all going to be okay. But this long distance relationship thing is going to be rough for me. I want to see him like daily. So, it’s rough – but good? I need to learn to accept all these things and being on my own.

I still want to rush a “title”. I don’t really like whateverships when I’m attached. What are we? Still trying to figure out if dating means he’s my boyfriend? Do we ask this? Do I wait for him to ask me? When do I ask if we’re exclusive? Or what this is? Probably not after just two weeks. Maybe 3? lol. It’s the little shit that gets me overthinking. I feel like I need to wait a month or more. Yet, I want to know now. I want to be exclusive. Now. I think we are. But are we? It’s this stuff that makes me crazy.

Alright, enough rambling, I’d rather go watch the election while I sit here. I’ve got to get my Grandma to sleep so I can get to sleep. Oh how the roles reverse as you age.