I miss you.

The title says it all. I fall asleep crying. I wake up in the middle of the night crying. I wake up in the morning to fresh tears streaming down my face before I can even open my eyes. My gosh. I. Miss. You.

I can still hear your voice clear as day. I can see your smile. I can see your eyes. I can feel your hug. I’m terrified of the day these moments vanish. The day I don’t remember this. It hurts my heart to think someday this really will just be an old memory. I. Miss. You. Already.

This wasn’t fair. You had so much life left. At least 50 years. You weren’t supposed to end like this. The world had great plans for you. I’m selfish. I wasn’t ready.

I read his obituary. It was too much. Too awful. Too soon. All these glamorous things. Yet, no mention of you. No mention of the beautiful woman who died because she was his fiancé. Because she loved him. It was like he was just this wonderful guy who suddenly passed away at home. Fuck you A. She wasn’t yours to take. She wasn’t yours to keep. She wasn’t yours to ruin. But how dare your family build you up while not mentioning her. They may be hurting but the LEAST they could do was mention your beautiful, innocent victim. Mention your demons. Mention my gorgeous friend. Fuck. You. If you weren’t already dead I’d wish you dead. Today. Now. I hope you burn for eternity.

Sweet girl. I miss you. I love you. I can’t imagine a life  without you. I want to ask how your job is going. I want to ask you to dinner during our next appointments. I want to talk. I want to hear your goals. Your life. Most of all – I want a 2nd chance to beg you to leave him. Forever. I want the chance to tell you how bad this is. I want the chance that you might listen and save your soul. Never again would I smile and tell you if you’re happy I understand. Because I don’t. I won’t. I can’t.

Tonight I stood in the cool dark air. Looking at the moon. Feeling the breeze. Simply thinking last Friday night was the last Friday you’ll ever have. Thinking you’ll never see the moon. Never feel the breeze. And it hurts. My god it hurts.

I love you Kira Kristie. I love you so damn much. Yet I miss you even more. My heart aches for you. Just one last time.

Sweet girl with the most beautiful soul, I hope you’re free. I hope you’re happy. I hope you finally have all that you deserve. I just wish that was here. With us.

Until we meet again my friend….. I love you KK.