Heartbroken – This wasn’t the answer.

To say I’m sad would be an understatement. I’m sad. I’m broken. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m confused. It’s awful. It’s 150% awful.

I thought the tears were done. I thought I could turn off the light and sleep. Surrounded by darkness I glanced at Facebook. And here I am again.  Sobbing. Asking why. Wishing this was just a bad dream.

My dear, sweet friend. You were amazing. You had so much life to live. To think I’ll never see your smiling face. Never hear your voice.  No more laughter. No more crazy stories. Just like that. You’re gone.

Why? Why did it come to this? Why? Why! Why?

I was doing okay. I was breathing again. Until my mom posted on Facebook that I lost two friends.  Two.

The tears resumed. I’ve spent the whole day being angry. Being mad. Hating him. Hating him for killing her. Hating him for killing himself. Hating him for being gone and leaving us with this pain. Hating him for being dead and taking away my chance to tell him I hated him. Hating him for being selfish and not just ending his own life. Hating him for taking that beautiful soul with him. 12 hours – hating everything  about him.

I didn’t stop to think he was my friend too. I didn’t take a break from hating him to think about the fact he was my friend. Until now. Now the tears won’t stop. I lost him long ago. When his demons became too much. When I knew the things he’d do while drinking. When I grew and he didn’t. Yet, at one point, yes he was my friend too.

I’m torn. I’m sad. I’m hurting.

Oh sweet girl. I wish you’d of left. I wish you’d of stayed gone. I wish you wouldn’t have kept going back. I wish you weren’t waiting for a better outcome. I wish you didn’t love the sober him so much that you’d accept the tortured part of him too. I wish I’d of done more. I wish I’d of been there when you needed me. I wish this would have a different ending. Most of all, I wish for you back. I wish this wasn’t the end.

To you – I wish I could call you my friend but today I can’t.  I wish you would have addressed your demons years ago. I wish whatever ate at you inside wasn’t so ugly. I wish that the only thing that existed was sober you. The you that she loved and longed for. I wish your friends and family would have pushed harder to get you help. I wish you’d of taken the help. I wish you didn’t feel ending both of your lives was the answer. I wish you had chosen so many different paths. I wish we weren’t where we are today.

Most of all – I wish you both peace and comfort. I pray you’ve escaped the demons that haunted you both. I pray you’re somewhere better. Nobody deserves this.

You sweet girl deserved the whole world. You deserved so much more than an ending like this. A statistic. Your life mattered.

I don’t know how. I don’t know what. But this isn’t your ending. You won’t be forgotten. Your tragic story is just the beginning. A beginning to save others. To share your story. To save someone else from the same fate. Your death can not be in meaningless. It can’t be. It won’t be.

Just know Kira – You are so loved and you will be so missed. Until we meet again. XOXO