Heart still feels crushed.

I use the circle – You are not alone – the majority of the time. Yet, in reality I feel so alone these days. I know I’m not. I know others have walked these shitty paths. I know others have had worse. It doesn’t matter tho – my heart, my brain, my sadness. I feel utterly alone. So often.

I miss my baby girl. So freaking much. I never knew you could miss someone so much you never got to physically meet. This isn’t the first loss in my life – It’s been 19 years this fall since that baby. It sucked. I was late but hadn’t even taken a test. I had no idea what was going on until the bleeding wouldn’t stop. Until the clots were awful. Until my doctor did labs and advised I’d need a D&C if my body didn’t stop as I was having issues. It was sad. Yet, it was absolutely for the best. I did not need a baby. I did not need a baby with that person. It would have all been awful. It was sad, rough but life moved on. I was a train wreck. Going into IVF I thought – transfer all the embryos, do the things that have increased risk, I’ll be fine if I have a loss and just glad I tried – No, I’m not fine.

Losing a baby I desperately dreamed of, prayed for and worked so hard to create. It hits so much harder. I never thought much more of that first loss. Sometimes. Not like this though. I think of that baby more these days and realize. Maybe I never grieved for him. Maybe that’s why thoughts of that baby also filled my head. They don’t fill it the same way. The thoughts are basically anger that I moved in so quickly and this time I feel like my heart has been crushed and destroyed forever.

I loved her. I genuinely, wholeheartedly loved her. I’d of given my life to get her here, even if I only got to meet her for a moment. My heart was so full for those 12 weeks. It’s like I have two different worlds. My life before Annabelle. My life after Annabelle. Tomorrow marks a year since she was created. Since she began growing into that perfect little embryo that became my baby.

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Fostering flat ass sucks this time. My heart isn’t in it. I thought it would be healing. It’s not. I feel nothing. She forces me to get out of bed and put on a good face. Inside though – I’m dying. I cry every second I can. I feel zero connection.

Don’t get me wrong. I can nurture her. Fake it like a Queen. Make her feel loved and special. But deep inside – nothing. Some kids I have an instant connection. Some I feel nothing. This one falls into the “nothing” category. I guess it isn’t full nothing. I have empathy. I feel for her and her situation. I care that she’s okay. But I don’t have that love. I don’t have the feeling I’ll miss her when she’s gone. I promise she can’t see this and she’s actually thriving with us. The best she’s ever done per her teachers. Me… I’m just over her feeling guilty. Even though I know some kids you click, some you don’t.

The WWK worker called today that is in charge of finding her a forever home if she doesn’t go back to mom. She was okay but I didn’t like her. She works with kids that are “free” to give to adoptive homes. The wording. Not great. She isn’t free. She’s a human. It’s not like we’re giving away a dog that is free of its quarantine period at the pound. Then she wanted to quiz me on my license – yeah, I’m licensed to adopt but will ONLY ever adopt someone that feels meant to be. I know she was hoping her job was done and I’d want this girl. No. I don’t. I’m here to care for her while YOU find her forever home if mom isn’t an option and it’s taking way too freaking long. This girl deserves more. We get a home visit next week with this chick. Yay for me. One of my questions will definitely be why she’s in limbo if they are wanting to place her with an adoptive home that WANTS her forever. She’s a harder to place kiddo, but compared to many I’ve saw she’s actually way better off and should be easier than them. I hate the system. 7 years without your own family. Fuck. That. I wish I could be her forever but it’s simply not there.

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I had more. But I’m drained. Maybe tomorrow nights shower can go into how fucked up my family is. Why I’m so desperate to have my OWN child now. To fix my past mistakes. To do it right. To never let my narcissistic mother steal my life again. To never fuck up like I fucked up 14-24 years ago. Yet, if I can’t have that said child – I think I’ll just continue to always feel alone. And today – Today I feel like my child will never exist. Like we won’t do more IVF (not my choice). Like it’s just simply over.