Ghosted? Reminiscing.

I need to be working but I’m struggling today. Struggling to focus and get anything done. Struggling to do the work I need to do. I’ve done most of it but I’m over it.

My head is spinning. Full of too many thoughts, too many doubts. So I’ve turned on a random training that I don’t really like and decided I’d write an entry while I listen for awhile. It’s a struggle to do the training as the trainer has a heavy accent and I just can’t follow that either. Even on a good day. It’s supposed to be a decent training tho. Go figure.

So, I was concerned it would break my heart if Cody dropped me and hoped it wouldn’t. Welllll, I haven’t heard a word from him since last night. I did hear his mom passed away which explains why he quit responding. However, he hasn’t said a word since then. Not a thanks or ok. Nothing. Just silence. The silence lets me overthink and I’ve decided he simply doesn’t like me that much. I feel somewhat like an idiot for thinking he did. Why was I so dumb to think he was as into me as I thought? Someone truly into you wouldn’t ghost you.

I guess I was so stupid because he simply said he liked me. Because when I flat asked if I was too much or should back off he told me I was good. Because he’s given me a kiss every time he’s left for a whole week. You don’t kiss someone good bye that you don’t want. You don’t tell someone you like them if you don’t like them. I was stupid because I believed his words and actions I guess. So really, he’s the stupid one.

Someone reminded me his mom JUST died and to give him a few days. He could be in denial or processing or whatever. Which could be why he’s not replying. But to just be flat silence. That doesn’t feel like he’s just processing. No, it feels like he’s absolutely ghosting me. We will see but I’ve basically wrote him off already. If I go for a hike or whatever tomorrow I’ll invite him.

Technically we’re supposed to work together tonight. I assume he won’t work – his mom hasn’t even been dead for 24 hours. However, he doesn’t really have any family around here and working to stay busy makes sense. Brianna thinks he’ll be at work. I hope so. But in the same breath I hope not as if he ignores me at work I may just burst into tears.

We will see. Shortest whatevership yet. I’m sad. I’m lonely. I miss the distraction. I really thought we had something going on. Dumb girl.

Brianna did my hair earlier today in a couple super cute French braids for work tonight. I love it and it’s adorable. I then did my make up as I figured if my hair was cute I’d make my face cute. I look fabulous. But I feel like I’m going to look like I tried just for him. Ugh. See, totally overthinking. Hopefully I just make fabulous tips with my cute look amongst all the truckers. I’d been hoping one of my regulars would come in lately as I enjoy him and he made the comment a few weeks ago that I have wanted to follow up on. Yeah, just me over here. Looking for a distraction I actually like to avoid being alone with my thoughts.

I’ve been thinking a lot. As we all know and have identified this whatevership brings me back to memories of the past. Of OLD whateverships that made me feel the same way. With some effort I could probably find those entries from 20 years ago.

There was Jon that I always was obsessed with when I was trying to be clean. He “liked” me but now I can identify he totally used me when he had nobody else to hang with. Asshole. 20 year old me really fell for that guy. And I was extra just like I still am. He went silent and I couldn’t handle it. I texted him Good Morning & Good Night every damn day for over a month. Then one day he finally replied with Good Night and I never texted him again. I could handle the ditching. I couldn’t handle the silence. I feel like it’s the same now. I’d rather Cody be like hey, I’m not interested anymore. Then to just not open my messages or reply. I need to quit messaging him entirely damn it.

The other person he really reminds me of is the whatevership with T aka Travis. Soooooo much. Travis was getting clean back in those days too, sober, going to meetings and really into church. He had the same hot/cold switch. Like just talking about him I want to find him on Facebook and see how he is. He was someone that was such a good friend turned romantic and blurring that line ruined that friendship. We never slept together but came so close so many times. He said he liked me just like Cody does. Yet he always needed to focus on him and was never ready. Again, this was 21 year old me. I was so sad when Travis moved away. It was almost a blessing though as I’d of stayed on that on/off shit forever. And neither of us were ready then. Those OD entries are probably a rough read too

Obviously I’m attracted to unavailable males that are hot/cold, use me and leave me alone and sad. On repeat. I sooooooo need to get attached slower. For real. And find a different type.

Actually, I need to find my self worth and just be alone until I can pick differently. For real.

Alright, I guess I’ll go spend another hour sitting here and then switch to the restaurant and find out if I’m working with Cody and how stupid it is. Sigh. I’m dreading him being there but I’m also dreading him not being there. I can’t win.