Frozen Transfer Scheduled – July 24th. We ARE having a baby!

It is as simple as that – We are having a baby.  My, myself, I and the entire online world.  We’re having a baby.  In just 38 more weeks from tomorrow.  Positive thinking.  Right?

If I don’t think positive I’m likely to fall into a million pieces and not be okay.  At all.  So, instead, I’m back to dreaming about my perfect, amazing baby who is just chilling (literally) in a freezer right now waiting for me.

Monday’s appointment went – great.  Everything looks “perfect”.  This is the first time I’ve ever heard the word perfect in relation to fertility and myself.  Finally.  I’ve earned this freaking “perfect”.  I’d hoped to transfer on Tuesday to allow time for the “add-ons” on Monday.  However, hitting perfect actually has caused me to hit almost “too perfect”.  Ha, so Tuesday is out.  Monday it is.  This helps though – I was really torn on the HCG Wash.  Some have great success with it, some believe it could maybe make the uterus “too wet” and have success when they quit using it.  I’ve used this for two transfers with no positive outcome.  I felt like I *should* do it if I could but in the same breath was struggling if I really actually should.  So, having my transfer on Monday has taken that away from me.  Lining was ideal though.  Progesterone and Estrogen were ideal.  Like perfect appointment.

Instead I’ll go early and do lipids the same day, then acupuncture, transfer two sweet embryos and acupuncture again.  Followed by a lovely nap at the hotel, relaxing, some walking, more relaxing – peace.  It’s all about the peace.

I realized something this week, I hadn’t realized…

Walmart had cute 4th of July baby items for $1 on clearance when I stopped quickly while doing my appointment.  $1 for an adorable 4th of July dress.  Yes, please.  They had a cute boys little outfit too.  This whole time I’ve been focused on my sweet girl embryo becoming my take-home baby.  I haven’t put a lot into the little boy embryo.  Yes, I’d love him, but realistically I didn’t feel he had a chance.  I just didn’t want to discard him.  I just wanted to say I did give him a shot at life.  I realized, while buying her clothes, he deserves the same thought and love.  He deserves the same hope.  Even if there isn’t much of a statistical chance, he deserves my love, prayers, hope too.  So, I got each baby an outfit.  $2 on thinking positive.  Well, worth it.

This got me thinking though – What are the exact chances of this baby boy.  I haven’t really looked much into his statistical chance.  Just took the geneticist’s word for it and moved on. (Not like me at all.  I always research.  However, I’m a little mentally drained from the topic of inaccurate genetic results.)  So, I started looking into him Sunday night while enjoying the hotel pool area and preparing for my appointment the next day.  I was amazed by what I found.  He’s a “Complex Abnormal”.  Meaning, he’s got a lot of genetic issues.  The geneticist simply said a 10% chance of implanting, not much of a chance, too many genetic abnormalities listed, not worth it.  However, he is worth it.  I’ve determined Complex Abnormal can be classified Chaotic Abnormal also.  Complex simply means more than 3 abnormalities.  Chaotic means more than 6 abnormalities.  Mine is simply labeled a Complex Abnormal – After reading, I’ve realized he’s truly chaotic if you want to get technical as he has 8 genetic abnormalities.

However, this guy grew into a 6 Day Blast which is pretty amazing for that many abnormalities.  Then I come to realize, there is also a theory that a chaotic result could be incorrect as it’s less common for an embryo with that many issues to create a blast.  It’s thought that it can be some kind of testing error and issues in that sample.  I don’t remember all the terms, but actually – some have been retested and have tested Euploid or with far less issues.  So, there is a possibility that he also has a chance.  If he’s truly chaotic it’s very unlikely he’ll implant at all.  Thus, he deserves a chance too and he deserves my hope and love.

I do believe life begins at conception.  This means each of those frozen “clumps of cells” have life in them.  They’ve warped into enough cells a human could be created and born from them.  A human with a heartbeat, brain, soul, life.  I’ve struggled with my pro-life thoughts during this process.  However, as time goes, as I evaluate my embryos more and more.  I wholeheartedly believe they have life and boy am I going to be sad if these little live cells turn into nothingness.

Now, I’m back to dreaming of my sweet baby/babies that may exist in actual body soon.  In less than a week I’ll have these two safely with me.  With the updated transfer date, we have an updated due date of April 10th.  A spring baby.  How exciting is that!  Sweet baby while all the animals are also having their sweet babes.  We will miss Easter which is absolutely fine – Easter with a one year old will be way more fun.  Fireworks will be right as she and/or he begin noticing lights.  It’s going to be fantastic.  Late nights rocking in the fading sunshine.  Early mornings waking up to the sound of the birds.  Seriously, it’s such a joyful thought.  It brings a smile to my face.  I can’t help but be happy and giddy at this thought.

Thinking of how I’ll take care of her/him/them.  What do I want to do?  What do I want the nursery to be like?  I know I have LOTS of time.  However, these thoughts give me hope, comfort, dreams.  Something to keep myself busy with.  Dreaming these dreams are comforting, hopeful, happy.  We’re breastfeeding 150%.  Baby Wearing, Contact Napping, Baby Led Weaning – all happiness.  I’ve spent years thinking I’d cloth diaper – BUT, I’m beginning to second guess that option.  Good thing I have lots of time to think about that.  Isn’t it.

How’s my peacefulness going for July?  Ummmm, it’s going.  I really just need to avoid people to get it to keep going I guess.  As people are what ruin my peacefulness.  (Imagine that?)

I’m working on it though.  When I want to get upset I just do a lot of deep breathing.  Working on the Rainbow Blanket, trying to keep the house clean so it’s easy to just pack up and go Sunday, hot showers, essential oils, Netflix, good food.

So, yeah, the positivity is working out okay.  Max is the only thing that really seems to make my mood change and this is my simple frustration with his inability to plan, follow directions, etc.  That makes me crazy on some subjects.  He’ll go back to work in just two days though and I’ll be back to mostly loneliness and peaceful evenings by myself with nobody to mess them up except myself.  Thus, perfection.

I’m taking next week off from the restaurant too.  Speaking of, I need to send that text – now.  Pause.  (I don’t know why I keep putting this off.  I hate time off.)  Sent.  So back to that, I’ll take all next week off.  I plan – Travel Sunday.  Transfer Monday and then sleep after all that.  Tuesday – Relax, Sight See, Walk, Eat, Peace.  Wednesday – Leisurely drive home with no purpose on the time except “before dark”.  Then relax.  Sleep.  Unwind.  Thursday – Probably my day job and walk, sleep, relax, eat.  Friday – Day job.  Some light walking.  County Fair.  Concert.  Sleep.  Saturday/Sunday – Sleep, relax, peacefulness.  Monday – Work, Sleep, Relax, Walk.  Tuesday – Repeat.  Wednesday – Return to both jobs and it’ll likely be the day of truth – positive or negative.

So, that’s a lot of post-transfer relaxing.  YAY!

I’m excited.  We’re having a freaking baby.  Maybe two babies.  One baby.  For sure.