Finally – An answer.

Things are finally beginning to get better.  Now, I’m left sorting out the remaining damage and realizations inside my head.  I’ve decided I will take that ANY day over the last month.

I still hadn’t heard from Mr. Douche Thursday.  Seriously, I can’t do my assignments, learning plans, anything until I get a final answer from him.  I email my Field Instructor – giving up.  At this point I was so tired of the anxiety, of the waiting, of this ridiculous “game” we seem to be playing.  I simply asked her if I should send one last email and ask for a response by 5 p.m. on Friday or if I should simply give up.

Resigned to my fate.  Resigned to this horrid internship for 3 more months. Resigned to feeling exhausted, miserable, anxious.  She quickly emailed me back, saying not to give up; suggesting I try to call him; suggesting I keep it short/sweet and offer to answer any additional questions he may have to clear this up.  Seriously.  This gave me the WORST anxiety ever.  Like full blown panic.  It was horrid.  Why?  Why can this asshole do that to me?  I think it was just the fact that everything was literally hanging out this jerk’s decision.

Leaving “nice” and “fake” voicemails isn’t me.  I’ve learned years ago to survive in this world I have to be assertive, confident, sure.  To essential bullshit or bluff my way into most conversations.  It’s life.  It’s the only way I can get ahead.  Maybe it’s simply street smarts I carried into my clean & sober world.  Writing this – Maybe the fact I was to simply be nice was the cause of the anxiety.  (I do feel this was a revelation to me – See journaling is productive.)  The fact I couldn’t simply hide behind a demanding, tough shell when really I was dying inside.  Because, really, though I do appear confident and collected I am ALWAYS silently dying inside.  I just can’t look weak.  The weak don’t survive.

I called.  I left a voicemail.  He did not answer.  Imagine that.  I would not expect Mr. Powerful to answer or have a spare moment.  I left a pathetic voicemail that is NOT me. Simply asking if he had made his final decision on my field placement as I really needed to schedule a time to meet with my liason to complete my assignments.  If he could please let me know if I had his final approval or denial I’d appreciate it.  I sounded horrible.  Shaky.  Pathetic.

And – That douche emailed me back in an hour.  Seriously, one hour – “Thank you for your phone call.  I’ve been meaning to email you for several days to let you know I have approved this…..”.  Please note – SEVERAL – days.  His final show of power.  Asshole.  Thanks for waiting several days.  Thanks for letting me continue to work my 70 hours until you could make time for me.  Yes, you’re in control.  Fine, I’ll admit it.  If that’s what makes you happy.

So – On a bright now – I can do my internship at work.  THANK GOD.  I’m not sure I had 3 more months in me.  I felt horrid quitting my other one, but keep telling myself I have to do what I have to do to survive.  I can’t be blamed for wanting ONE job and not two.  I talked to my field instructor Friday and she again told me she thinks the problem was I simply “schooled” Mr. Douche by my actions and he wouldn’t give up control.

I guess I need to learn that way of communicating too – I guess? I’m not sure here.  I struggle with this thought.  I don’t want to give up the control either.  It’s not simply control though – I just want what is right, just, fair.  I don’t expect to be in control, but I do expect professionalism, respect, common courtesy.  Why do I have to cave and essentially cower or beg to get results?  Could I have gotten the same results if I’d of continued with my confrontational tone?  Yes – I do think the results would have been the same.  However, they would have taken longer to achieve.

I have no idea – I’m just thankful that nightmare is over.  102 more days until graduation day!  I.  Cannot.  Wait.

The husband is out of town – He went to his dad’s for a week.  Honestly, it’s amazing.  I forgot how truly happy I can be when I’m not living in chaos and eggshells.  It’s fabulous.  Three more nights of myself and the dogs and happiness.  I’m excited.  (Of course my mortgage bill came today – Knocking me down just a little – That stupid thing went up $208 between property taxes and insurance.  Gah, of course I can’t afford that alone if that continues.)

I’ve got more, but I’m also excited to go to bed…. So the rest can wait.