Final FET – CD 1

Cycle Day 1… Here we go again. This time though – I know it’s the last time I’ll climb on this roller coaster ride. This time I’m far more aware of the heartbreak that may lay at the end of this road. This time I’m not blissfully and naively planning for the best. I’ve accepted it doesn’t work a good chunk of the time. I’ve accepted when it does work, it doesn’t mean you’ll make it to term with a baby. I’ve accepted the heart ache is real and is so very possible.

There’s two different me’s. The before IVF me and the after IVF me. The before Annabelle me and the after Annabelle me. The before me had no idea the full pain that occurred in the infertility and IVF world. In the world of seeing a heartbeat, of seeing a little baby grow and then suddenly hearing your growing, perfect baby no longer has a heartbeat. The new me – She aches to hold a daughter she’ll never get to hold on this earth. She aches to have had success on such a hard journey. She’s super angry sometimes.

This is it though. After this, I’m done. Then I’m going to work on healing. On accepting whatever the outcome is. Maybe I’ll be loving my baby boy. Maybe I’ll be just planning vacations for single, childless, 40 year old me. Either way, I will leave this journey without any regrets. I’ll never wonder if this last embryo would have worked if I’d given him a chance. I’ll know. 100%.

So CD 1 – Emailed my clinic. Got my orders. Scheduled my first baseline ultrasound and labs for Monday. Booked my hotel room since I have to drive 6 hours round trip for this appointment. Thought. A lot. I’m really doing this.

I’ve done the logistical stuff. Now, I just wait. The nurse gave me my list of meds to have available. I’m confused as they’ve added a couple I never took in the past. I’m not sure I’ll need them but I’ll ask when they call Monday.

My math and past experiences say I’ll monitor the next two Mondays and then transfer in 2 1/2 weeks on Monday 9/30. I’d hoped to transfer earlier but this works for me. So, I’d know if I was pregnant by about 10/7. The transfer and appointments are following the same path as Annabelle’s transfer. I’m hopeful that’s a good sign.

I’ve been watching for signs. I had so many signs with the transfer I did with Annabelle. I saw the name I’d already picked for her everywhere. On shows I watched, on dog collars, all over. Just little things.

I saw the name I picked for this baby boy for the first time today. It’s a fairly unique name. At least not a popular one so I was shocked when I realized it was the same last name as someone I was to meet and then didn’t. I hadn’t known their last name. I’ve saw sweet babies lately. Happened across a case at work of a woman that was my age when she had her twins. Giving me a little hope. So, not as many signs as Annabelle but this cycle is just beginning.

I also remembered a dream I had many years ago. I was 17. I remember how vivid the dream was and waking up wondering about the sweet babies in my dream. Wondering when they’d be mine. Wondering who the father would be for them to be so gorgeous. In my dream – 23 years ago – I gave birth to TWIN boys. They had beautiful dark hair, perfect noses, brown eyes and were the cutest little dudes. I can still see these babies and this dream all these years later. That’s how vivid and real it was. Then I said those were my kids and I’d have them some day. I’ve wondered over the years. Hell, when I had the dream I woke up terrified I was already pregnant it was so real. Maybe those really were my babies and maybe this embryo is them?!?! Maybe.

In the end, I don’t have a lot of hope. I’m trying but after even the above thoughts I stop and tell myself to come back to reality. I remind myself of my failed transfers. Of the 4 embryos that never took. Of the one embryo that took and lost her heart beat before she could be in my arms. Statistically, the world is against me. Statistically, this embryo won’t become a baby either. I think I say this to guard my heart. Because I’m terrified of getting my hopes up for nothing.

Even if it doesn’t work – I’ll still be crushed – even tho I’d told myself it probably wouldn’t. I know this. It’s going to hurt.

So, in the end I’m currently lost in a world of hope. But no hope. Positivity and negativity. I’m a walking contradiction.

I’m going to work on the positive tho. Of relaxing. Of finding my soul and being okay with whatever my outcome.

I know me – Deep down – Yeah, I’d sell my soul for this to work.