Feelings of Guilt

I’m 7 weeks into this semester. Only 11 more to go…. But who’s counting?

Life is so much more peaceful now that I’ve switched placements and can complete my hours at work! Yet, it’s far from peaceful. If that makes any sense.

Im required to submit weekly journal entries. I’m honest in them. My liaison truly gets to see the good and the bad. I do fairly well on self realizations, identifying biases, etc. Today I wrote that I continue to feel guilty towards leaving my other field placement. It was best for me. It was necessary. Yet, I still feel guilt towards leaving the clients. Towards leaving the agency which sucks and doesn’t even deserve my guilt. I then wrote that’s a recurring theme in my life – guilt.

My amazing liaison replied quickly as usual. He always gives me great feedback. This time he recommended I consider discussing this guilt feeling with my counselor if I have one or a good friend. That it should be discussed. Determine the underlying reason, etc.

Honestly, after some more reflection – I feel it’s beyond a good friend. Maybe this really is an issue I should discuss. I just can’t decide who I want to see. So many conflicts due to my close working relationships with my favorite therapists.

Guilt.

It is always there. Whether it be…. Kids, Dogs, Friends, Clients, Teachers, Work, School. Constant feelings of anxiety and guilt.

I don’t spend enough time with my kids. Maybe it’s my fault they have issues. Maybe I should have done this or that different. I feel guilty for the teachers stuck with my asshole kid. I felt guilty for the Make A Wish trip. I feel guilty my kid works weekends and never gets to sleep in.  I feel guilt in relation to my kids illness. I feel guilty if I don’t meet deadlines. I feel guilty if I call in sick to work. I feel guilty I don’t see my grandparents enough.  I feel guilt when I punish them. I feel guilty when I say no. I feel guilty if I don’t contribute the most work on a group project. I feel guilty my dogs don’t go outside enough. I feel guilty I left that place. I feel guilty if I cancel something. I feel guilty if I don’t buy shit from people selling it. I feel guilt if my assignment isn’t as good as I feel it should be.

So much craziness.

Some of this I seriously can’t control. Some of this I know is irrational when I say it out loud. Some of it has to simply be in my head. Some of this I know I truly have no reason to feel guilt. Others should feel guilt.

Yet, I always have that anxious feeling in my chest/stomach. My mind races. I avoid. I make excuses. I do things I shouldn’t. I apologize when it isn’t my fault.

Because I can’t stand that feeling. I can’t stand conflict. I can’t stand feeling I let someone down. I can’t stand feeling as if I hurt someone’s feelings. I can’t stand confrontation.

In the end – I just feel like the feeling I have is constant guilt. Constant anxiety. Yet, I have no control.

I truly don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know the root problem.

So I avoid as much as I can.

And then I feel guilty about my avoidance.

Maybe I should see someone but who. Who can I expose these feelings to? And not feel guilty they are having to listen to me.