Exhausted but still thriving.

I need to start getting ready for work. Yet, I’m laying in bed thinking about how far away real sleep is. 13 more hours or more.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t already burnt out. I just want a weekend, in bed, no people, now work. January. Maybe. But who’s counting.

The money is good tho. My bills are paid. Payments early. Just the same old debt that will always be there – house, car, student loans. And I’m doing it MYSELF. That’s huge. I always hear – “You will NEVER be able to live here without me. YOU can’t afford this place or this life alone, back to the hood for you. When I leave this house we all leave, just wait and see.”  Yet, here I am. Busting my ass. Doing it 150% alone. No family. No child support. Just. Me. As exhausting as it is it feels amazing. I know the 3 jobs is temporary. Refinancing, paying off my car, having a stable savings – once those are done I won’t need 3. It’s a temporary mountain.

He on the other hand – Can’t afford his life without ME. Tho this feels amazing to say as that’s what he always told me, I’m sad too. I’m sad he’s just thrown everything away we worked so hard on together. Why? I’m busting my ass to thrive. Yet, he makes so much money & is throwing his life away. Maxing out credit cards, spending thousands on drugs and sex sites, bouncing his bank account. Why? He’d be at 6 years clean this week – Yet, he’s not. He’s higher than a kite. He’s at over $11K in credit card debt – accrued in 6 weeks. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion and you can’t stop it. Obviously, he only held it together with my help. Without the “supervision” he’s back to square one. All that hard work. For nothing. Nothing.

Still not divorced. I’ll never be. It’s his ridiculous control game. It’s over. It’ll always be over. Nothing will change. Especially not knowing all I’ve learned. But he has all these stipulations for when he will sign. Maybe this week? I’ve done every stupid hoop he wanted. All of them. Ugh. It’s frustrating. I emailed my lawyer last week to again ask and no response. Which is a no. He hasn’t.

I’ll just continue trying to not think about it. Yet being frustrated when I do. Badly. Someday. Let’s just hope he doesn’t totally mess up the taxes and wait until next year. Ugh.

I better go get ready for work. I’ve got a 10+ hour shift of drunks coming up. Haven’t decided what I’m wearing. My hair. Nothing. I just know I need a shower first. I’m soooooo sleeping alllll day tomorrow. Highlight of my current thoughts.