Exhausted, As Usual.

As always, this could go so many different directions. I’m exhausted. I’m so often exhausted. I need a break from life to just fix my own soul, be me, work on me, do me. Someday. I always have these grand ideas in my head on how I can do it. Yet, I never do it.

Lately my mom is just a soul sucking leach who wants to bring everything and everyone down with her negativity. She makes me insane. I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I deserve better. They say you can’t choose your family. Yet, I do feel I can choose who I spend the majority of my time with and who I allow in my life. Until she gets some form of therapy or treatment. It just can’t be her. She’s mentally ill. For sure. And it is NOT my responsibility to fix it. It isn’t. Sometimes I feel crazy when I tell someone something she’s done and when they validate my feelings and ask how I’m not more upset I realize – It’s not me. It really is her. Not calling me before the hospital with Zak’s wreck was nearing the final straw. But she just continues. I need peace in my life so badly and she does NOT create it.

My Grandpa’s sick and has been since Friday. I believe I’m Covid but also I’m riding it out at home, less masks, etc. However, he’s 90. Thus, Covid fears are legit and real. I spent my weekend taking care of my own family while taking care of him and my grandpa. Washing. Scrubbing. Praying. His doctor agreed he needed a test. So, a two hour lunch break yesterday ended in a Covid test with results in 3-7 days and a diagnosis of early onset pneumonia. Good thing I took him in. Thankfully, I’m capable and equipped to monitor his oxygen at home. It’s questionable but was 93 today. Below 90 and we will reassess for more medications. Just waiting for that test to come back to see if he should be getting better with the antibiotics or if it’s truly covid and he’ll get worse before better. Today was his normal shopping day which means I quickly did his shopping after work and then checked in. I’m exposed. If he has it I’m too late. So, yes I am masking out of respect for others but don’t feel that thing will do a big a good for me. And of course I’m going minimal places as I have been for months. I’m holding out hope it’s just pneumonia from a cold and not covid.

What’d my mom do during all this? Blew up my phone of course, she finally left a voicemail at 5:03 that I needed to fix his phone while I was there because he can’t hear it when she calls. A – They have a house phone. Why are you calling his cell phone? B. I work full-time, I have kids. You REALLY think this is my priority when you have other options? Lady, go away. C. WTF don’t you get his groceries and drop them at the door you selfish asshole who works less than me and has no kids.

Ugh. Yes, I did fix his phone. No, I didn’t return her calls and simply texted “fixed”. It wasn’t the end of the world. She could call the house phone – She just doesn’t want to talk to my Grandma, because my Grandma doesn’t like to talk to her based on her life choices. (I already said, the lady needs mental health help.)

Add in fighting the 18 year old on finishing school work to graduate and just doing his yearly testing where I was able to hear about his polyps and risk of cancer without the colon removal I’m dreading. The 20 year old moving away 3 hours and taking the poor grandbaby with. (Which is partially my crazy moms fault as she wouldn’t leave her alone.) The husband being a grouch. Yep, I’m exhausted. Very exhausted.

I did apply to adopt a dog. Not because I need another dog in this zoo. But because my soul felt like he was meant to be. I fear they’ll deny me and say – Uh, you have a zoo lady. But I can say I tried.

His description was “We missed Spotlight Sunday so today is Old Man Monday!

Snowflake is a Bichon mix, 11 years young and looking for his forever retirement home!

This little fluff can be a bit of a grumpy Gus with people he doesn’t know but he will grace your home with lots of laughs at his grumpy antics. 👴

He picks his person and is not in your face and constantly needing attention. Just the right amount of love and independence to make a perfect companion for his final years!

If you’re interested in adopting your own thundercloud – take a chance on Snowflake!”

I’m grumpy too Snowflake. We’d be a great team buddy and you’ll get along perfect with Charger. Who is also grumpy.

I told my husband and he says – He’s going to die. Why would you do that to yourself? Because I happen to like to cry for hours and this guy is special. I can feel it. So, go away and let me offer. And really, how many people want a senior grouchy dog? Yeah, didn’t think so. He deserves a home and love. Even if he’s old and grouchy. Gosh, I can relate.

If nothing else, I offered. Tho I’m truly hoping I don’t get denied. Ha. I’m already exhausted. We can ignore each other. Be independent. And take naps and watch movies and snarl at everyone who comes in the room. I’m ready.

I better go to bed. So I can do this all again tomorrow.