Deep – Feelings.

Sigh. Sitting in the shower because it’s my comfort place. Slowly, waiting for Xanax to kick in and I literally feel like it’s taking forever. I made it through the last 4 crazy days with none and suddenly need it tonight. Stupid.

Where to begin? Start? Which topic? My head is spinning with writing points. Spinning with things to get out. Yet, there isn’t enough time in the world to share them all. To dig deep into the mess of my head. It’s going to be a LONG week. That’s for sure.

Max just randomly felt the need to drop his darkest secrets on me. After this – There are some things in life I don’t want/need to know. Somethings which I’m better off never knowing. 100%.

Alex graduated today. My baby is done with school. In just over 2 months he’ll check into college and I’ll have an empty house for the first time in my entire adult life. I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I’ve spent over two thirds of my life as a parent. It’s exciting and sad all bundled into one. But graduation is for another day as it’s been a LONG few days in the grad event cycle and people. Really, I’m sure I’m overwhelmed from all the peopling.

Max went with me to all of it. Great. But I guess it got him thinking and he mentioned feeling down. Fast forward – hours later – He decides he wants to tell me something. Okay? He’s dated/married girls who had a total of 4 abortions, 2-3 miscarriages (1 of which I was aware of as it was s very far along loss with his ex-wife). I was speechless. Utterly speechless. Why didn’t you use protection? “They we’re all serious relationships.” Ummmm, yes, but that doesn’t mean you don’t still PREVENT a pregnancy vs end it. Well, they were in birth control or had said they wanted a baby. Obviously they didn’t want a baby if termination was chosen. Yeah, you have s point. He states, “I never asked them to do it. I always just agreed I was okay with their choice either way.” Yes, it’s a woman’s choice – But if it happens once why not BE SAFE to prevent it?

A. I’m very pro-life. I could be slightly on the fence for medical necessity, possibly incest, big reasons really. But using an abortion as your preferred method of birth control. No. Negative. Nope.

B. I’d of sold my soul for one more baby during certain parts of my life. I’d sell my soul for one more baby NOW. Yet, he just tells me about the killing of his babies. (Okay, to be fair – 3. He just went with to the 4th as his ex-wife asked him and said it was likely the creep she was dating. But still. And his ex-wife had another abortion after losing her baby very far along? What in the hell.)

C. No, we haven’t been careful. Yes, I did decide I want more kids. A long time ago. When I met Max and decided I’d like happily ever after and another human or two he eagerly agreed. I don’t talk about it as I judge even myself too hard knowing it’s a crazy idea. But with that – Knowing he was obviously fertile 6 or so times. It 100% leads me to believe it’s me on why it isn’t just happening. Timing is right. Days are right. I put in the work to assure this. Slight hope maybe it was an easy fix and no. Now I’m back to feeling defeated, defective and frustrating. Secondary infertility isn’t talked about enough. It’s an awful, grueling feeling. But to fully realize it’s 100% me (realistically, most likely) is just an extra blow on a day where I’ve realized my son’s leaving and I’ve spent 18 years not pregnant, with far many of those TTC or giving up but still not preventing. (Trust me, it is a blessing I never had a baby with my exhusband. But, still a blow nonetheless.)

Why’d he bring all this up tonight? Well, graduation got him thinking about how that’s something he’s never experienced but would have – had these babies been born and not terminated. And he’s right, quick math shows the first one would have already graduated. I didn’t ask for dates for the rest. I don’t need to know. And he was just thinking on how his life would have been different. And realized maybe he should have said “no, let’s have this baby” vs “I’ll support whatever you want”. Yeah, maybe he’s right. Maybe he isn’t. He will never know.

But what I know – He should have PREVENTED these babies from the start. From the first one. Not to get to 3 or whatever. *sigh* I just don’t agree. This is NOT a birth control method. It makes me sad, angry, hurt. And it makes me think of these women – The trauma they may have from this act. Because I do understand it hurts many even if they made the choice. He could have prevented that pain by using contraception. They could have too really. I’ll never know the answers to this as I don’t know these people and I don’t want to know. I can’t tell you if I’m mad at him, the situation, life. I have told myself it was all before me. It was. It’s out of my control. It is. Technically it’s very old news. For real. But I still feel – something.

In the end, I think maybe it hurts the most that I fully feel (& know) the infertility is my fault. My problem. My body failing. I already knew this but held out hope it wasn’t me. That just maybe it would happen. And it likely never will. And I’m frustrated and angry even at myself.

Last summer my doctor told me it was very possible, I’m not too old, 30’s is the new normal. If I tried for a year we could begin intervention. Thanks to my crazy cycles I’m already at 12 cycles. This month. But I’ve been struggling if I want to pursue this further, accept it won’t happen, I have no idea. It’s awful fertility treatment is so expensive.

But today. Today I just don’t know. Today I’m sad that I’m not pregnant. That it isn’t easy. That others can make it happen so simply and then just throw it away. Throw away the dream I’d sell my soul for.

It just fucking hurts. Badly. And I guess that’s simply how I feel and why my mine is currently spinning. A blow. Out of nowhere. That I never even would have guessed would knock me down. But, boy did it.