Day 3 – So hurt and broken.

Day 3. I decided maybe I’d start documenting life in days. Day 3 Post Max – to say I’m fucked would be an understatement.

I’m broken. Absolutely and utterly broken. I knew my heart could shatter – I learned this when we lost our daughter. Yet, I didn’t know it could shatter all over again. Losing even more pieces. Feeling like I will never be put back together. The only positive when our baby’s heart stopped – I had him to lean on, to hold me, to tell me everything would be alright, to just love me while I cried.

Now, I have no one. No one to lay in bed with me, telling me it’s going to be okay. I just have me, sobbing, questioning why we’re even put on this earth to just feel these levels of pain. Begging God to make it stop hurting. Praying that someone who left me so horribly would just come back. That we could somehow rewind this nightmare and just go back to happiness.

The algorithm in videos is real. It brought up a guy that talks about Avoidant Attachment and how the relationship goes, how they discard you. It’s legit. I’ve watched a ton and it explains my relationship perfectly. I felt like we were finally doing better, finally happy. Boom, blindside discard.  Because they can’t do normal, they can’t do healthy. So they run.

After watching a million of these – I need to change to no contact. I need to quit. Quit begging, quit pleading for a chance. God I want one. But nothing I say or do can fix this. Like the videos said – Contact just reinforces the need to leave because it triggers their emotions. No Contact makes them go through their own phases. Maybe eventually miss you. Maybe come back. Yeah, that sounds pathetic too. Yet, I’d take him back in a heartbeat if he’d get help.

So I’m going to archive our chats – after I see when he opens the last message. Because I’m obsessed and have issues. I did send him a video of watched. God, it explained his behavior perfectly.  But then I’m archiving it. So his name isn’t at the top. So I’m not constantly checking if he’s online, how many hours, etc. And I’m going to try so hard not to message him.

Rationally, I know I need more than this. But my heart, my heart hurts so badly. I really thought I found the one. He treated me so fucking well to begin. He was amazing. Yet, here we are. Discard. That hurts way more than my ugly divorce. A narcissist discard is actually much more enjoyable the an avoidant discard if you were wondering. I’ll take a narcissist over this feeling any day.

My therapist wants me to call my doctor to change my meds. I’ve put it off. Maybe tomorrow. I don’t want to admit I need more. Yet, I know I do. I know my mental state is worse than it’s ever been. I’ve never had plans like these. Full plans, worked out to the last detail. Plans I have to convince myself not to act on each day. Every day, I tell myself to make it just one more day.

That’s all I have. Well I have more. But I’m too sad to write it. I just want to lay in bed and maybe fantasize about the world ending and everything going dark all at once and never having to live this life again. But having it be a world choice and not my choice. Leaving the world guilt free. Not thinking about the pain I left others. Because this would be out of my control.

Tomorrow is Day 1 of no contact. I can do it. I can.