Day 10 – It only hurts worse.

It’s supposed to get better – right?

Well, nothing is better.  The truth – it’s worse.  Each day is worse than the day before.  Each day I have less hope.  Each day my will to live, to fight this, diminishes even more.  Each day I cry harder, hurt more.

I’ve went through break-ups, a nasty divorce, all kinds of shit.  I’ve documented the majority of it in this journal over the last 20 years – literally.

There isn’t a break-up or divorce that can even begin to compete with these feelings.  I’d take my nasty divorce any day over this.

My heart hurts.  It genuinely feels shattered into millions of pieces.  The pain I feel when I take a breath.  The tightness.  The tears.

I can’t freaking do this.  I don’t want to do this.  Not even a little bit.

I want my life back.  The life I thought we were building before I was so quickly blindsided into just being discarded like a piece of freaking garbage.  I want to wake up from this nightmare.  I want it to end.  So fucking badly.

I didn’t deserve this.  I don’t deserve this.  I still can’t grasp how our relationship could have been improving and then this happens.  Then he throws me away and just runs away.  He destroys my life and builds a new one.  Like it never happened. Like I was nothing.  Like we had nothing.

He said forever.  He promised to never leave.  He told me how sad he’d be if I ever gave up on him.  That it would break him if I gave up on him.  How badly he wanted to change, to have an adult relationship, to have a happily ever after, to build a family.  HE FUCKING PROMISED.

Yet, here we are – I’m left broken, alone, so fucking sad.  AND HE LEFT.

I literally can’t take it.  In two week we should have been holding our daughter.  Welcoming her into this world.  Seeing her sweet face and being so fucking happy.

Instead, I’m left alone – our daughter is dead and will never be here.  It’s just me, some ultrasound pictures and the biggest, broken heart one could imagine.

I’m angry I’m still on this planet.  I don’t want to be.  I want off.  I tried.  It’s been a great roller coaster, but I’m over it.  I’m done.  I don’t want to ride this fucking roller coaster anymore.  I don’t believe it’ll get better.  Even if it gets better, it always gets worse and I’m tired of being fucking broken.  I’m tired of being thrown away.  I’m tired of literally only having myself to rely on.  I’m ONLY here for other people’s sake – because I don’t want to simply pass my pain onto someone else.  I don’t want to hurt someone else in the way I hurt.  Yet, that doesn’t seem fair… Why the fuck do I have to hurt so much just so other people don’t hurt?  WHY?  It isn’t fucking fair.  What’s selfish is everyone thinking you have to stay around for them.

To stay around when that’s the last thing you want to do.

Honestly, I just want to go.  I want to leave it all.  I want to join my daughter, hold her, love her.  I want this fucking pain to stop.  I can’t live like this.  It isn’t getting better.  It’s getting worse and worse and worse.