Bleeding Money

I’m just sitting in the shower. Bawling. Somedays it’s what I do best.

I am just so over things somedays. I’ve been sick. Forever. M shared strep with me and I got an amazing cold on top of it. Like covid was better than this cold. Of course this all starts hours before M’s tubes and adenoids surgery and I power through. Drive the 3 hours home. And die. For days. He’s miserable. I’m miserable. First trip to the clinic for me – Ohhh, it’s nothing. You’re negative. Go home. The next day the oozing spots are all over my throat. I can’t swallow my own spit. Call the only insurance telemedicine. Uhhh, yeah, you can test negative and have strep. You’ve had this sinus cold for over a week? Why didn’t they give you meds yesterday. I have no idea. To see if I’d die? I literally got better care via video than in the office. Grrrr. Start meds. Keep dying. Now I’m dead. Literally. Throat is better. Sinuses are better. Ear is so full of fluid. Called my primary doctor who immediately called in steroids and told me she’ll squeeze me in if I’m not better in a couple days. I asked if she can fix my ear? Ummm, probably not but I’m really worried about your asthma with all the fluid and mucous you have. I’d rather die if not breathing than continue with this feeling of not hearing.

So really – Why am I bawling? Steroids. Must love this roller coaster. So bawl I will do.

I feel like I’m bleeding money. It’s just flowing out the door. Bye money. Nice to see you. Why am I sick? Because I work myself into exhaustion. So I missed 3 serving shifts dying. Just a few hundred gone. Now. Now I need to work even more shifts to make up for it all.

My kid spent too much on my credit card. Not all of it was his fault. But he spent double the emergencies. Double. New tire rim. College overcharge that loans didn’t cover. Dentist work twice. Fine. I get that. But I will be eating water for the next month while he’s using a fake ID at Red Robin’s on MY dime. Noooo. I told him he had to stop. He agreed.

Other kid moved to Idaho and got a way better job away from the awful cheating girlfriend. Awesome. But every time he works for this company it takes an extra pay cycle to get his first two checks. He should be doing well Friday if they finally come. In the meantime he’s broke. I’ve sent Door Dash. I’ve sent cash for Walmart to eat in his room. Tonight he asked. I’d just done my budget. I could see I am not winning. So I told him I really couldn’t afford it. He says fine. I assume he has a backup plan.  Then asks his stupid college brother for food. Who then texts me that his brother needs food. I tell him I’m broke. His response – You know he doesn’t have anything. You’re going to just let him starve? Ummm yeah. Because YOU spent so much of my freaking money living your best life. I’m broke. So f’ing broke. So he doesn’t get to eat? Dude. I already feel awful. Thanks. So I went off that all of the cards leave his wallet. He eats at school and figures out how regardless of his class schedule. He quits renting movies. He quits doing fun stuff. If he doesn’t have money from working he DOES NOT do it. I cannot support his fun on top of paying for college. I can’t. He texted back he got rid of the cards and okay. He took the “emergency” card and ran with it.

So now I’m bawling that I’m the worst mom ever for letting my kid go hungry and offer the first kid food. He’s got my mom to do it. I told him tomorrow I’d buy him groceries online to get through the weekend but he’s got to get his check and he’s got to pay me back.

I was already near tears before that. My washer was 13 or so years old and falling apart. BUT IT WORKED. I don’t care what it looks like. I work hard to afford nice stuff and would eventually upgrade. Max’s parents brought back a washer they wanted to give us from his sister. I said no. Remember the fridge? Beautiful fridge. Beautiful. That didn’t work. He doesn’t know how to fix stuff. I spent hours fixing it enough to work. I don’t want broken hand me downs because they fail to store things properly. (I’m sure they didn’t drain the water lines on the fridge. Put it outside. It froze.). They are hoarders. They collect junk. I. Do. Not. Every random thing they’ve given us needs help. He insists it’s nice. It’s like new. Blah blah. So fine. You do you.

Now said washer is hooked up. It won’t drain on the spin cycle. It keeps pumping more water in after it drains. It’s a fucking mess. Ohhh and conveniently while he was doing this he realized the hot water pipe had a slow drip on the handle and it needs to be fixed. Can you fix this? Yes. K. (This is before I even know the spin doesn’t work right.) Well I’m pretty sure he fucked the drip up more. Then tells me maybe he can’t and I may need a plumber. I just sat in the laundry room. Staring at this non spinning right washer. Trying not to burst into tears. As my living life large kid informs me I’m letting his 20 year old brother starve.

And boom. The bawling began. And wouldn’t stop. On my way to the shower I stopped and nicely and calmly (all while bawling) told Max he needs to respect my feelings. He needs to quit getting broke shit from his family. I can’t afford a new washer today. I can’t afford a plumber to fix a pipe he’s made worse. I can’t afford to fucking breathe. And no. I don’t want him to just go buy me a new washer. I want him to leave stuff alone. I want his family to back off. I want him to simply pay more bills if he thinks he’ll just buy a new washer. I’m going to have to work 7 days a week at this rate. Literally. And when college kids child support stops in 7 months I’m going to have to work every single day twice the hours. For real. Just stop. He said nothing. I walked away.

The whole IVF thing also may have been a cherry on top. Our clinic is raising prices. So we locked in for the next retrieval. Out of my money of course. Then tonight I see PGT and everything is going up. Like way up. Add another $500 on top of the normal fees. I’m so frustrated. I’d said earlier today as I was budgeting I could handle a grand total of 4 retrievals and I quit. Well, 2 may be it at this rate. And if it doesn’t work. No worries. We spent a ton on nothing but a broken heart.

Yes, he needs to step up and pay more. Originally he said he wanted to pay 50%. But somehow I make more – Because I budget. And he never has the money. I really need to sit down and discuss this. His “rent” is cheap. For all utilities included. I pay over half the mortgage. As it went up $100 and he didn’t increase his rent the $50. I pay all heating, cooling, electric, internet. I pay all streaming services and he probably pays for some of the same as his family uses his. He pays his own phone which includes his whole families lines. For real. If we truly split shit down the middle his portion would easily double. He does often pay if we go out and pays for groceries more than me. But I can live off of toast and cereal. And M sucks at eating still and would now like spaghetti or pbj daily. All cheap.

We had tons of medical bills this month from forever ago. Dentist. Bullshit. So yeah, I figure out I spent $7,500 on expenses this month. Not even counting the retrieval I put in a card with no interest to pay off over the next few months.

Yes, I have an emergency savings. But I’m terrified of running it down and already hate it’s less than what I feel “safe” with. So I’m not literally broke. But in my paranoid brain I’m one massive emergency away from dead broke.

Oh and foster care licensing came over and finished our stuff. I’m getting paid for Milo which is huge. By March I’ll have got paid for everything I’ve spent. So we’re good there and it’ll be a little over. But she asked if I knew how much I made. A lot? As I have a lot of bills. Oh yes. A ton. She showed me and it’s shocking to see on paper. Which I think is why I’m so much sadder to realize how much I spend on expenses and bullshit a year. But obviously we met the deductible last year which was $8k alone for insurance. My mortgage is $15,000 a year. (Cheap I know. I got super lucky in this deal.) Utilities $4,000+ a year. Phones $3,000 a year. Snowblower $1,000. Flooring $4,000. IVF $13,000. Car insurance $3,000 a year. Car Payment $4,000 a year. That’s like $50K right there. Doesn’t count the excess college. Clothes. Food. Gas. Vet. Dog food. Groomer. Emergencies. And the list goes on and boom there’s another $40K down.

I could afford it all. Easy. Without the extra medical, IVF, kid spending. So really I’m just frustrated. Ready to throw in the towel and go live in a tent. (Why not?)

Guess I should rinse my hair and take my crying, steroid fueled body to bed. Both jobs tomorrow and it appears I actually need to look cute and flirt far too much to increase my creepy trucker tips. (And that will make me cry even more.)