Another Major Family Loss

I’m sad. So fucking sad. I had grand plans of writing an entry about how good things were going. However, the amazingness was shattered by a soul crushing loss of one of the most important people in my life. I’m broken. I hurt. I’m sad. I’m angry. You name it. I feel it.

Kathy. Died. Those words still don’t feel real. I’ve sat here crying for hours. Trying to wrap my head around the fact I’ll never see her again. Never. She’ll never make a family dinner again. Never plan another scavenger hunt or get together. Never go with me to some random political event. Never send me food home. Never bake with my kids again. Never comment on my Facebook again. Never tell me she loves me or she’s proud of me again. Nothing. It’s done. Just like that. Never means forever.

I’m shattered. Broken. Hurt.

Who was she to me?

A second mom basically. She was my mom when my own mom sucked. Originally she was my mom’s best friend. She’s been in my life since I was just a year or two old. In the diaries I found of my moms as a teen – Kathy would babysit when my mom went to party. She moved away then moved back and lived with us with her 3 daughters. Then got her own place…

Sunday was always family dinner day. When she got her own place she let me come for dinners, spend the night often, everything. Her girls were more like my sisters than friends. She loved us. She loved cooking for her family. She loved being the glue that held us all together.

At 15 she let me move in with her for awhile. This was after my grandma kicked me out and after less than a year of living with my mom. So, she really was like my mom. We spent holidays together, so many family dinners, birthdays. She always hosted. I always went.

The kind of family you create and aren’t born into. The family those chose to be your family when they didn’t have to.

If you’ve been reading for awhile. Kathy is Jamie’s grandma. My best friends baby who passed from SIDS nearly 20 years ago. Those entries in April 2005 are rough to read but on here.

She’s with Jamie now. She missed him so much. We all do. So she’s finally there. To hold him, love him, soak all of him in. That’s the only comforting thought I have. She’s finally with the baby her heart ached for.

How does a family go on without the glue? Who schedules dinner? Who cooks dinner? I keep going back to dinner. That’s what got us all together. What connected us. What kept us close when life was crazy.

She hadn’t done as many dinners the last few years after she’d gotten sick and nearly died. But she still did some. We just talked about having an Indian taco dinner soon. On Election Day. Just had this conversation. Now she’s gone.

I’m so thankful for Anthony’s wedding bringing us all back together just a couple months ago. Thankful I got to sit by her the whole reception and visit. I can’t imagine if I hadn’t of gotten that time. Those final words.

I don’t understand why she died. A cardiac or copd event at 4 am. She was then vented here and transferred out. She was breathing tho before that. I think. Nobody said she wasn’t. Yet, the doctors at the other hospital said she went too long without oxygen. When?! She was breathing at home before the hospital. They said there would be brain damage and her heart couldn’t repair itself. They said she’d die either way and to turn off the vent. Thus, her husband and oldest daughter decided to turn it off. The doctor said on average she’d die in 11 minutes. She’s stubborn. She made it 50.

She’s never coming back now.

Never.

I wish they’d of waited longer to turn it off. Just maybe she could have got better like last time. Just maybe.

I had to tell my kids she was going to be gone. To tell my college child he could go to the icu if he wanted to be there but his beloved second grandma was going to die. Hear the pain in his voice as he said “that really sucks”. They were so close. She’d gave him over often to bake with her. He loved it as a kid. He still loved her as a young adult and used her homemade cookbook often.

I’m sad.

It does REALLY suck.

Thank you so much for always being there for me Kathy. For being there when I needed an adult. For loving me like I was your own. For loving my kids like they were yours. Thank you for being my cheerleader when life was rough, for never giving up on me, for always loving me. Thank you for always feeding me the BEST food. For always making me feel wanted and cared about. Thank you so much for EVERYTHING. I’m going to miss you. Always. Somehow we’ll pull together tho and return to family dinners. They’ll never be the same without you though. Never. I love you. So much.

I can’t handle anymore loss this year. My Grandpa. Kathy. Two of the people I loved the most. Fuck 2024 at this point. It’s gotta stop taking people from me. I’m gonna break.

That’s that.

I’ll post about the relationship update and tattoo tomorrow or something. It’s hard to focus on the happy tonight. It’s going great though. Life was going to great. The bottom had to fall out.