Annabelle’s Due Date Today – Instead, 28 weeks without her.

Today.

Today hits like a freight train.

So did yesterday.  The day before it.  The two weeks before those.

I knew it would hurt.  I knew my soul would feel mind-crushing pain.  Yet, I didn’t know that mind-crushing pain would be so freaking deep.  So hard.

With the date we assumed we’d have to induce – She’d be about two weeks old today.  She should be cuddled up next to me right now.  She should be nursing.  She should be gazing at me, realizing that blurry person in front of her is her mama.  Her mama that will always love her immensely.  Her mama that would fight for her no matter.  Her mama that would have given her own life to save hers.

It’s hard.  I miss you baby girl.  So freaking much.

I’ve been babysitting for a young mom without much support.  She asked if I could take her home with me one day.  Normally I watch her in my office for a brief minute or two.  I said sure.

That day I’d of been almost 39 weeks or coming home with my newborn.  I pulled up at home.  Again, not realizing how hard it was going to be to be walking in with a tiny baby in a car seat.  She was less than 9 pounds that day.  My baby would have been about that size that day.  I should have been walking into my home with my own baby for the first time.

To say that moment took my breath away would be an understatement.  I got out of the car and just stared.  Stared at my house.  My front door.  The innocent baby girl in the car seat.  Silently crying.  Silently willing myself the power to go inside.  Thank God for that sweet baby to distract me as that was rough.  Thank God that moment is over with and I’ll never have to experience that first again.

I’ve also given this young mom a lot of my stuff.  I realized over the weekend she needed to move clothes sizes to 0-3.  Mom tells me that’s the one size she didn’t buy a lot of and she’ll have to go shopping when she gets paid.  So, I gave her the whole tote of used clothes I’d bought.  Quietly passing them on.  Thinking my daughter would be wearing them today, but she can’t.  At least somebody’s baby would be.  Mom was grateful.  Baby has clothes that fit.  That was okay.

Yesterday, I went through the tote looking for a fetal doppler for someone.  I’d bought two.  So, I could hear Annabelle’s heartbeat.  I wish I’d of recorded that sound.  I think I have one on my phone, I’ve never tried to find it since.  While going through the tote I decided I’d get out all the brand new 0-3 outfits I’d bought so if I have baby again she can wear some new cute clothes.

Of course I cried, but I was doing okay.  Then I had to crawl farther back into the storage under the stairs.  I’m sitting there, digging through a tote with a flashlight and I find the beautiful blanket I crocheted for Annabelle.  Did I cry?  Nah.  I sobbed.  Hysterically.  Sitting under the stairs amongst a pile of dusty totes.  Sobbing.  Cuddled up with my dead daughter’s perfect blanket.  It was perfect.  Just like her.

I miss my baby girl so much.  I’m thrilled I have a new baby girl and mama to throw my love into.  I know my therapist is right though and I’m distracting myself from the awful pain I feel, but for today – I don’t want to feel any pain.  At all.  Today I hurt enough even with the distractions.

And with that, my teen mom texted to tell me she just had to schedule for gallbladder surgery.  Thus, I’m sure I’ll have her and baby some more next month.

Distractions it is.

Sweet Annabelle – If I could have kept you forever I would have.  I’ll keep you in my heart forever though, in my soul, in my DNA.  There will never be a day I don’t miss you, a day I don’t think of what you’d be doing if you were here.  You gave me the happiest weeks of my life planning for the arrival of your perfect little self.  Hearing your heartbeat.  Watching you wiggle and dance away on that screen.  I had never been so happy to finally be expecting my much awaited little girl.  A second chance at life.  A second chance at being your mother.

You may not have made it earthside but you’ll always be on this earth with me.  In the wind, the sun, the moon, the stars.  Lakes, oceans, grass.  Butterflies.  Rainbows.  I’ll see you everywhere for all of my life.  And when this life is over and I finally get to hold you, hug you, kiss you – I will never let you go and I will listen to every second of what Heaven is like.  I miss you baby girl.  So much.

“We never should have named you because now you have a face and nobody can ever take your place.” – James Blunt – This song plays over and over in my head.  Daily.