Anger into a Purpose

Still stumbling daily through this thing we call life. As always – Where to begin? I haven’t written lately. It’s easier to just ignore the world. Pretend none of it’s there. Take a break. Be me.

Laying in bed. Angry. As always. I decided it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair he keeps taking things from me. It wasn’t fair I’m full of so much pent up rage. Anger. Hatred. I read up on anger. On how it relates to grief. How normal it is. Then I decided I needed to turn that anger into something productive. To use it to fuel me. Keep my mind busy. Buy me some time before I return to simply alcohol fueled angry nights. That’s not healthy.

So I began a mission. I can raise money like a crazy person. If I want to. When I want to. Thus a Virtual 5K was born. To raise awareness for Kira. For Domestic Violence. Run, walk, stand wherever you are. Wear your shirt. Tell her story. End the silence. Nobody should die this way. Nobody should be murdered. No one should ever lose their life to someone who was supposed to love them.

I had this amazing 5 year plan. To slowly work up. Do more and more. A little more money raised every year. Eventually our own nonprofit. Sounds fair. Sounds like busy work. Sounds like an honor to Kira.

We went live on her 3 Month Anniversary of passing away. No such thing as small. $500 donation before it was public. It’s crazy. My 5 year goal is gone. Now I’m just living in the moment.

I’d LOVE to reach every state tho – If you happen to be reading this and want to join – $30 gets you your 5K Shirt and Bib. 🙂 I’m a little hesitant to publicly post tho. Maybe a private note if you want? Kira loved to travel. What a way to honor her. To keep her memory alive. I miss her. So much.

Now I miss her. But I’m so busy “with” her. Sales go until 9/30. Then just donations and DV Awareness and the Virtual 5K through October. I wish she could see the changes she’s making. The awareness she’s bringing. How amazing she is. She didn’t leave us for nothing. She’s saving someone else’s life.

90% will go to the local DV Shelter and 10% will go to the local Animal Shelter.

I talked to her sister at great length last week. She felt I needed more details. It was a hard but real conversation. Her sisters believe Kira’s death began long ago – at the hands of a narcissistic parent and the domestic violence was simply the final act of her childhood playing out. As much as I agree. It makes sense. She chose men who mirrored what she knew. I couldn’t change the tone of my mission to include that. Not today. They also believe it goes deeper and involves a specific church and their beliefs. The same church I was forced to go to. The same church that also shunned me at nearly the same age as Kira. Did this play a part? Most definitely. There’s more. Far more. Yet, I just can’t go there. Not today. Not tomorrow. Today I want to focus on the fact the domestic violence ended her life. That’s it. Yes her history chose her to pick him. But he killed her. But someday shedding a light on those beliefs may be the next step. Someday when I’m far stronger. God, that’s a lot of painful layers to address. I’ve never went that deep. Ever.

It’s a story in itself. How did I get here? Does it ALL go back to that church? Does Kira’s story all go back to that church? Honestly, yes. Probably. It’s not a church. It’s a cult. And that’s that for tonight. A whole new book could be wrote on this. But I need a real computer. It’s typing. Lots of typing.

In the end – I miss her. I hate how we got here. I hate how she ended. And if you’re from some random state I’d love for you to participate in our Virtual 5K.