An early, heart wrenching good bye

I’ve always said I could give back a child if I knew in the beginning I had to. It would probably hurt, it would suck, but I could do it. No problem. That I could jump into foster care, love a damaged, innocent human and prepare them for life with their bioparents. Because that would be the purpose. Because as an – almost finished with school – social worker I whole heartedly believe reunification is best if the child will be safe. A bio family might not be ideal for you or I, but to that child they LOVE their imperfect bio family. They really, really do. Thus, I could  love them, care for them and give them back. Because as a foster parent that would be my job. Right?

Wrong. Absolutely, positively wrong. Real life experiences should be a requirement to go with education. Because, forcing myself to have a  hands on perspective is similar to chopping my heart into small pieces while opening up an entirely new view point.

Asier – our amazing, polite, enjoyable exchange student – Was forced to return home Thursday. Spain required their students home. I sent the child – who is like my own son – into a damn Covid19 war zone. Because it was my job. Because I fulfilled what I was supposed to. Because his government said repatriation (basically reunification) ASAP was best. 2 1/2 months early. Suddenly. Abruptly.

My heart is shattered. I knew I had to give him back. I knew he wasn’t mine to keep. I knew this was temporary. Yet, my heart seems to not have grasped that. My heart hurts. Genuinely, 150% hurts. I feel as if I lost my own child in a sense. I’m sad. I miss him. I regret taking so much for granted.

Would it have been different if it was June as planned? Maybe a little. It wouldn’t have been sudden. We would have built up to it. We’d of had time for proper good byes. Yet, I’m sure I’d still be sad and heart broken. It’s amazing how much you can grow to love someone else’s child. It’s amazing how much deeper something can hurt than you ever thought it would. On days he made me crazy I thought I’d be happy to see him go. I’m not. I wish I could keep him. I know it’s not rational. I know that was never possible. Yet, my heart can’t help but tell my brain that.

When I began this process I said I was choosing real life cultural diversity training. Never would I have known all the real life experiences I would gain. Cultural diversity was just the tip of the iceberg.

To every foster parent I’ve silently judged – wondering why you were so upset giving back the child you KNEW you would have to give back – I’m sorry. I’m sorry I felt you should be okay with it because it’s what you signed up for. It’s the goal of the system. It’s the end plan.

It doesn’t matter though. Goals, plans, duties, known outcome  – No matter what you agreed to – It still f’ing hurts to return someone you love and cared for.

I understand now – Your Brain agreed, Your Heart did not.

Will I do this again? Will I take another foreign exchange student knowing the pain I will experience in the end? Will I still hope to foster someday knowing how brutally awful reunification will feel on my heart?

Yes, of course. Not today.  Not tomorrow. But someday. My heart has to much to give to just leave it dormant forever – even if it will always end in heart ache and sadness.

It was worth it.

It always will be

To Asier – It’s not good bye. It’s see you later. Most definitely. Until then I’ll miss you like crazy.