A little of this, a little of that.
Today I’m avoiding the actual work I should be doing. It’ll get done… I feel I’m far more productive when I feel like I’m on a time crunch. Thus, right now, while I have ample time, I’ll just sit here. Then I’ll work insanely fast and efficiently later. There is just some thing I do NOT want to do. At least not at 8:00 a.m.
D’s gone. They found her a home that I feel is a great fit last week. Worker told me about it Tuesday. Told D about it Wednesday night. Christmas Concert Thursday with crazy, fast packing before and after. Moved her at 8:00 a.m. Friday.
I’m not necessarily happy with how any of it went down. Yes, I asked them to find her a home… I’m temporary, emergency, NOT long-term. I’m truly a landing spot until mom/dad are ready or they’ve found a good fit for a long-term (likely forever) home. Yet, sometimes – one worker particularly – they give me a child and then they just “forget” about us. The child’s safe, they know finding the needed home is hard – so it goes on the back burner. This is NOT okay. It isn’t okay to leave a child in limbo for so long. This poor child has been in-care for about 7 years. That is NOT okay. Even if I wasn’t the mess I currently am I’d of been advocating that they needed to find her a home with potential permanency ASAP. Especially after realizing mom is NOT doing that great and realizing the likelihood of mom getting her full-time is slim to none. Honestly, I anticipate mom will be back in prison soon enough as I don’t expect this parole to go that great. I spoke with licensing – I could tough it out forever if I knew they were truly working on this and was told, that no, this worker wasn’t looking for a home and honestly I’d probably be in this boat for an additional 8 years if I didn’t stand firm. So freaking frustrating.
So, after I said absolutely not – They found he a home with a single woman who works at a school. It’s much closer to D’s tribal connections, biological family and reservation. (Like 30 minutes vs 2.5 hours.) She’s got another 11 year old girl that she’s had for quite some time. She’s willing/interested in permanency. She keeps in contact with bio family and encourages visits among adult siblings and safe relatives. Seriously, PERFECT fit. J, the new foster mom, has texted a few times and it’s going decent – Plus a picture with a beaming D next to her new “sister” and dogs. This child was never meant to be an only child. She doesn’t need that – She needs a foster family that truly cares and kids near her own age, not spoiled crowded in a house with spoiled littles that do no wrong and are all over her stuff. I pray she thrives here. THIS is what she needed. I also pray her worker actually seeks out permanency and quits this bullshit limbo with mom thing. Mom can have a relationship with her, it’s important. However, knowing she’ll be in the SAME home forever is also important and knowing that just because she doesn’t live with mom doesn’t mean she can’t love her and have some visits. Our system is forever screwed up I fear.
I’m closing my license. It expires in January and I’ve announced I’m not renewing. I can’t. The ability to say “no” is not something I’m currently good at. I honestly NEVER want another child associated with our most recent worker as I mentally cannot handle it and how awful she is. (Why does she still have a job – because A. She’s union (literally, I can’t tell you how many write ups she’s gotten since I’ve met her) and B. She’s the only person that doesn’t quit after a few months. I’d love to stay licensed and continue with true emergencies and short-term. Like Miss E who stayed just long enough for a group home bed to open up or the random babies I’ve snuggled while the long-term placement gets ready or the sibling set that was just there while their current foster dealt with a family emergency. However, these are few and far between. The real calls I get are generally long-term, hard kids. Because “I’m good at hard” and special needs. I need to focus on me – And if I can’t say no and they can’t respect my boundaries. I need to just be done. I can always get relicensed someday when I’m ready.
With zero children, I’ve spent the weekend rearranging rooms. I’ve not got two guest rooms beautifully ready for life. For the guests I never have. They’re clean. Clean bedding. Neatly organized. I just need to add décor over time. Considering, I’m NOT spending money though – that’s going to be a little bit. It’s not a rush. It doesn’t really matter – I never have guests. Max had a friend spend the night over the summer on his way through town. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly had a friendly guest in the 5.5 years I’ve owned this house. I’ve had guests I’ve housed for foster care, the Miss Montana Pageant, etc. Yet, no guests that came because they were simply my friends. So, yeah, no rush. Alex still has stuff in the 3rd spare room and has said next summer he’ll probably take it all if that’s okay as he’ll be getting an apartment where he’s going to college he thinks. Of course, that’s okay. For all intents and purposes, it’s his stuff. If he doesn’t take it all next summer he’ll take it in the next two years when he graduates college and moves on with his life. So, I think I’ll wait for that room to open up before I truly start buying décor Maybe each guest room should be themed. Ha.
Money continues to be an obsessive topic for me. I simply want all the “old” bills to be paid off. After losing the baby and Max saying he was done trying… I put every penny left onto one card (that’s interest free) so I could have it paid at each place, not be making payments to numerous places and get it paid off. Having to pay that each month is like repetitively scrapping the scab off. All that money – for nothing. I just want to have that done as that’s really the only “rolling debt” I’ve got minus the house payment and car payment. I’ve made a psychotically anal budget for this month and I believe I’ll only have $400 left that will roll to January – Assuming I can stick to this ridiculous budget. Then, I’ll pay that last $400 off in January and hopefully be able to start saving again for bigger and better things. My goal is by 6/1 – I’ve rebuilt my savings and have money I can save each month. The only debt remains my car/house. I have “entertainment” money each month. I’ve applied/gotten my passport. I can book a vacation.
It’s all doable if I stick to the budget and stick to my exhausting work schedule. Sadly, I’ll have to take Zak back for another surgery in February which hurts my pocket book badly and is the main reason I don’t have this debt paid off already. Then I think he needs his final surgery in May. Possibly April. So, no matter what I WILL be on the correct path come June. 2024 is all about taking control of my life, my finances, my mental health. I may have to live a pathetically boring 2024 if I can’t afford the vacations I dream of. However, in the end – 2025 WILL be the year I’m ready to go on 1/1/25. I’ll just keep rambling away about it as I go – Keeping myself accountable. (I’ve cancelled Christmas – literally. With no small children and no family – There is NO point. It’s just another day.)
Max continues to be… Max. I can’t even cry about it anymore. I know I care. Yet, I’m slowly giving up. I’m caring less. I’m being angry more. I’m far more mad than sad these days. This relationship was supposed to be forever. To finally be my happily ever after. I’m accepting that isn’t the case. That forever with him, means forever with his family.
I’m tired of people that treat me like crap. I expressed this last night and he asked what they do to treat me horribly – Ummm, they fail to invite me to anything? They encourage you to disrespect me and go with them while ditching me? They’ve encouraged you to go live with them even when we were still together? They’ve told you NOT to pay for any of the outstanding IVF and just forget about it – let it be my problem. They have basically treated me like I don’t exist since the day our baby died – Since the moment I because the vessel that would not give them a grandchild/niece.
He counters – They aren’t really treating you like crap – they are just avoiding you. Oh, yeah, that makes it better dumbass. Why are they avoiding me? What did I do wrong? Ummmmmm……. Yeah, that’s what I thought. NOTHING. Except I won’t bow down to their demands of time and I have firm boundaries.
The latest adventure with this enmeshed assholes – They’re going to Brazil in May and want Max to go too. Like it doesn’t sound optional in his opinion. “My whole family is going and they want me there. My mom said this is the last time she’ll ever go.” That is a LIE. She’ll go again next year – She only goes every 5 years. Okay, she’s already went TWO times in the last TWO years. Oh. Yeah. This is what they do – they convince him of shit and convince him this will be the LAST time and he needs to do XYZ. And he falls for it… I don’t even believe “his whole family” is going. Another thing his mom always says – last time “everyone” was going – it ended up just being her and his brother while she tried to find his brother a Brazilian bride. (I am NOT kidding.)
It’s completely rude to go plan a “family” vacation – without me – when he is well aware I’ve been talking about vacations for a month and wanting to save and plan. Then he says, well he told me about it so I can go too. Why would I want to spend my vacation time and money going on a trip with his family who treat me like I don’t exist? Please, explain this to me? So, I can be surrounded by MORE people that speak a language I don’t understand and his mom can talk shit about me with them and I won’t have a clue? That sounds like an awful experience. I think kindly told him there are translator apps on phone – I’ll happily go meet his extended family – WITHOUT his mother’s presence.
He doesn’t even have a current passport though and he procrastinates horribly. If I don’t help him get one I don’t think he’ll get one at all. Then he won’t be able to go. So, I’m just going to sit back and watch (I AM getting my passport as soon as I have extra money. Quietly. As I refuse to help him get one before this “family” trip in May.) I did tell him that if he wants this relationship to last longer than a few more months he should probably address his family as he told me he would and the way they currently treat me. I’m not a doormat for them to walk all over.
Overall, I’m crying less – My therapist was kind enough to tell me my current level of functioning is most definitely the medication. “That’s okay though. We will leave you at baseline through the holidays and then dig deeper.” Thanks, thanks for agreeing the medication numbness is currently acceptable. Because I was NOT going to change it. I don’t want feelings. I really just want to work, make money, pay bills, sleep and repeat.
2024 has GOT to be better than this shitty ass year or it’ll at least get me on the correct trajectory for a fabulous 2025.