9 Weeks

Today is 9 weeks.

It’s been nearly a month since the SCH began and the bleeding nightmare started.  Those days I never thought I’d make it to this day.  I’m still terrified daily that this baby will die or something horrid will happen.  I’m not sure that is a fear you ever get over.  Not after the roller coaster it took to get pregnant to begin with.  This has all been so hard from the beginning that it’s hard to just find the joy when the bottom has always fallen out.

The radiologist finally uploaded his report Saturday – I already knew about the baby and how she was.  The SCH was “nearly resolved”.  Thank God.  The bleeding still hasn’t came back and hopefully it doesn’t for the next 30 weeks.  My clinic finally called yesterday.  I missed the call but listened to the voicemail and read the directions in my portal… Everything is looking great.  They’re really happy with baby’s growth and heart rate.  With the SCH nearly resolved I can resume normal activity.  THANK GOD.  No more laying around for days on end and lifting 5 pounds or less.  And with that – they are comfortable discharging me to my OB, here’s the directions for the meds, have a great day and congratulations.

I have so many mixed feelings.  I’m so thankful to make it to this point and being discharged.  Yet, terrified.  This means no more weekly ultrasounds or lab work.  Now, I’m just left waiting and chilling until my 12 week scan.  3 weeks to go, but who is counting.  I can’t believe we made it this far.  I’d accepted that this transfer may be it, I would be done, no baby and had my passport ready to go to escape to some other country.  So, it’s great and crazy and scary.

I’ve started buying some random stuff – because shopping makes me happy.  I need to stop as I wanted to save money.  However, I’m only buying stuff this baby is going to need – I’ll have to buy it eventually.  So, why not now.  When I get really terrified I find buying something and telling myself she’s okay helps.  Max doesn’t want me shopping.  He says he can’t handle seeing all the boxes and all the stuff and what if something happens and the baby doesn’t get to use any of it.  He mentioned that when we thought we were losing the baby and he saw the boxes I left unopened by the front door it really hurt as he thought I wasn’t opening them as I thought I’d be sending them back.  I assured him I wasn’t opening them because I was sick and miserable.  If for some reason this baby would die – I’m giving it away or burning it.  Not taking the time to send it back.  So, he obviously has the same fears – possibly more.  He’s terrified what if she has some genetic issue.  I don’t worry about that – If I can make it to 13 weeks I fully believe she’s 100% healthy and “normal” and perfect.  I just worry about my body failing and miscarriage.

So, I got some adorable clothes of Temu – Seriously, I was skeptical. The bartender where I work told me she got some clothes from there and it was great.  I decided to try it and they arrived last night.  Oh my gosh.  They were CHEAP and they are adorable.  So freaking adorable.  I cannot wait to dress this baby in these adorable clothes and more.  Next up, today I ordered some hangers and the closet organizer size things – to hang up my cute clothes and easily glance at what sizes I have too much stuff in.  AND – the piggy bank I wanted.  It’s a cute little simple rainbow shape – I really want to do her room in like a simple Boho type concept from all the googling I’ve done and this rainbow bank was on my list.  Now, I can start putting some random change in it.  Yay!  It’s the little things that excite me.

I can’t wait to meet the beautiful baby.  To know she’s healthy and okay.  To hold her and love her.