8 weeks 0 days – Nauseous. Tired.

8 weeks 0 days… I’ve made it much farther than I thought I was going to make it a few weeks ago.  30ish weeks to go.

I cannot wait to meet this sweet baby girl.  This may be the longest wait of my life.  I will feel 1000 times better when I can begin to feel movement and pick her heart beat up easily with a doppler.  Until then I feel like I live in constant fear she may be gone each day.  It’s slowly getting better as I make it a little farther and the bleeding has stopped.

Today is day 6 without any bleeding so far.  YAY!  That is huge.  This is the longest I’ve made it this whole pregnancy basically.  Prior to that I’d only ever made it 2 days.  I have no idea if that means the SCH is clearing up/absorbing or what.  Hopefully.  I have another ultrasound Friday to look at baby and the SCH.  Praying it’s gone and I can get back to a low-key active life.  I’ve been following the rules – soooo much resting, not lifting, not walking unless necessary, vitamins, OJ, pomegranate juice, soooo much water.  I seriously feel like I’m just sitting around getting ginormous and cannot wait until I can even just simply take myself for walks or hell deep clean my house for some exercise.  Anything.  I’m happy to do whatever it takes to keep this baby safe and get her into this world.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss NOT laying in bed though.

The nausea the last two days has been AWFUL.  I’m hopeful that means my HCG is finally rising again and not just sitting at pathetic numbers.  My clinic told me they don’t care about the HCG.  Baby’s fabulous heartrate trumps the HCG.  Sometimes this happens and HCG plateaus early and is commonly seen in rural hospitals that have machines that auto-dilute early as the dilution isn’t right.  It’s hard not to obsess about that number.  However, obviously it can’t be right – Most heartbeats aren’t seen until HCG has reached 17,000 OR above.  We saw baby’s heartbeat at 8,000 and an even stronger heart beat at only 11,000.  So, there is no way my HCG is reliable then.

I am seriously fat already.  I don’t understand.  It appears it’s just water weight/bloating.  I know the progesterone always makes me bloated and I’ve got another 5 weeks of that so I’m assuming that is half the problem (or more).  It’s just bizarre to me that my clothes are getting tighter already.  I was sure I had a LOT more weeks to go.  Currently, I just look fat – like I’ve drank too much beer.  Hopefully once I can stop the progesterone it actually gets better.  I am NOT ready to be showing already.

Each week I say after this ultrasound I’ll start sharing with people – then the ultrasound comes/goes and I say after the next one.  I don’t really want to share her.  I’m happy to keep her all to myself.  I’ve now said when I finish crocheting the blanket I’m making for her I’ll tell people.  I’ve got at least a week to go for the blanket.  Plus, I have a cute outfit coming that I think I’d like to use in the announcement.  So, maybe after the blanket is done, the outfit arrives, etc.  Then we’ll share.  Maybe.  Obviously, I won’t be able to hide it forever as I am most definitely chunky already and I can tell you my favorite waitresses are catching on something is up when I continuously only order water and skip my favorite beers.  I’d like to announce myself before the small town gossip has spread fully.

I’m slowly getting brave enough to shop.  I’m a crazy planner and I LOVE sales, cheap stuff, deals, etc.  There is no way I’m paying full price for anything baby related.  Baby’s are freaking expensive.  So, I’ve already started charts on diapers and the max price I’m willing to pay, how many on each size I should have stocked, etc. to make it through the first year.  After the last ultrasound I let myself place one order for some amazingly priced clothes.  We’ll see the quality when they arrive in the next couple weeks.  AND, two cases of diapers as Costco was having a decent sale on the newborn diapers.  Now, I’ll hold off for a bit and work on paying some other stuff before I return to diaper and clothes stocking.

My goal is to have the IVF process paid off by like 11/1.  I’m pretty sure I can easily do that.  I am just waiting for the hospital to bill out the last of the monitoring appointments.  I’ve got a payment plan with the clinic but am hoping I can just call and pay it off in September with my interest free card and then have that card paid off by 11/1.  I owe less than 2K at this point so it shouldn’t be too bad.  Then my next goal will be having all these current medical bills paid off by 1/1.  Again, I put them on the interest free card and then pay that off.  I’m assuming once the hospitals begin billing out I’m going to owe about 2K there which is doable.

Come 1/1 it’ll be time to save money as quickly as possible and also start paying for the big ticket items – crib, dresser, etc.  The quicker I can pay off medical things that have already accrued the quicker I can accomplish all of this.  As long as I can keep waitressing I can keep paying things down quickly and eventually saving.  My huge goal is to save enough I don’t have to go back to waitressing anytime soon after the baby is born.  Like never go back to waitressing would be ideal.  I believe I can do that if I can save enough and plan ahead enough.  Another thought, is get rooms available for extra foster kids.  If I didn’t waitress in the evenings or weekends I could easily have 2 – 3 foster children instead of just 1 and that actually helps with bills quite a bit too (even after spoiling them also – as I am amazing at the whole deal shopping thing).  Random things to think about.  Really, I just don’t want to be regularly scheduled for tables for like 6 months after she’s born – if ever.

Max mentioned joining a gym that has a sauna as he’d like to start going and he likes saunas.  I mentioned back that sauna’s are bad for his sperm and if he wants another baby he should probably avoid it.  That was a big, fat NO.  He says that after the roller coaster and fear of this pregnancy he never wants to do this again.  He’s accepted he’ll never have a son.  I can spoil this girl as much as I want as she’ll be the one, only and last baby.  He’s accepted that it’s okay to spoil her and just make the most of having one child and that is that.  I was laughing – originally, he’d really stressed he didn’t agree with spoiling kids, blah, blah.  Now, it’s basically she can have whatever she wants and be an only child and he’s totally okay with this.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t agree…. Currently, I don’t think I can ever go through this again.  The emotional roller coaster of this pregnancy has been hell.  Terrifying.  I will be thrilled if this baby just makes it here happy, safe and healthy.  I can’t blame him for not wanting do it again.  Me neither.  Maybe we’ll change our minds.  However, currently – there is no way I’m paying for another egg retrieval or torturing myself again like we’ve done for the last year.  No, thank you.

We do have one last embryo on ice though.  I will seriously consider transferring him – He’s a Polyploid though.  However, as we used ICSI it’s very likely the lab results are not correct.  Best case scenario – they are wrong and he’s perfect.  Worst case scenario – they are right and he turns into a molar pregnancy.  In that case, I’d just have a hysterectomy and be done and do whatever treatments are needed.  So, I do lean towards transferring him in a couple years.  However, I’m terrified to go through this again.  To have the risks and the fear the whole first trimester.  Ugh.  We will just see how we feel when we get there.  For now, I’ll just treat this as my last baby and enjoy every minute of her.

Today I see my OBGYN again.  Last week we spent too much time talking to do anything extra.  Who knew an appointment could take THAT long.  So, this week he said it’ll be a “head-to-toe” exam.  I’m assuming that means I get naked, swabbed, touched, poked, prodded.  How exciting.  I’ve got naked for so many random people in the last year it doesn’t even phase me anymore.  We will see how often he will let me come back.  I believe I can do the NIPT at 10 weeks.  However, due to the SCH I’d like to keep doing ultrasounds weekly or bi-weekly until it’s resolved.  I’d really like to know the moment it’s gone as I’d really like to do more.

Friday I have repeat labs and an ultrasound at 8:30 a.m.  Hopefully baby is measuring 8weeks+ and continues to have her healthy, strong heartbeat.  My fertility clinic had said if last week was good they’d discharge me.  However, due to the SCH they kept me and scheduled another ultrasound for this week.   So, I’m anticipating they may discharge me this week.  I won’t complain though if they want to just keep scheduling ultrasounds also.  I’m totally okay with that.  Basically, I’ll be cool with anyone that wants to give me weekly ultrasounds.  Keep me forever.  Charge me money.  Do whatever makes you happy.  Whatever it takes if I get to see my baby each week.