6 weeks 1 day – Likely Miscarrying

6 weeks 1 day – I was so looking forward to hitting this point.  To taking the Sneak Peak gender test at 6 weeks.  Finding out if the male or female embryo had worked.  So, excited.

Now, I’m just sitting her numb, broken, hurt.  Waiting for what I expect to be awful, heart breaking news.  I’m supposed to be hopeful, expecting positive news.  Why?  Why extend my suffering and hurt?  Why expect something that probably won’t be happening?

I wanted this baby so freaking bad.  Now I anticipate that he or she is already gone.

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Sunday night at 5 weeks 4 days I went to the bathroom and realized I had bleeding.  What I now believe was a single gush of blood.  Followed by some spotting/old blood.  I went to the Emergency Room where we were at (vacation in Minnesota – a vacation I wish I never went on).  After hours and hours – We determined my HCG was actually really good – 7,885.  This showed it was still doubling – actually more than doubling every 48 hours or less.  A two day increase of 126.1% – a 40.79 hours doubling time.  We only needed to see a 2/3’s rise every 48 – 72 hours.  So, the doctor was happy with this.  They also found the gestational sac and yolk sac.  This measured 5 weeks and 4 days.  Right on track.  They found a sub chorionic hematoma – This is normal in pregnancy.  Even more normal in IVF pregnancy.  Only 5% of SCH”s lead to miscarriage.  The doctor told me bleeding can be “normal” in pregnancy – 50% go on to completely healthy babies.  He’d say it was an SCH, Threatened Miscarriage and to follow-up withy my doctor.

Monday my clinic told me to follow the SCH restrictions.  I was measuring on track and my HCG was good.  So, life is still hopeful.  This happens and everything should be okay.  Sounds good, right?  I was feeling pretty hopeful.  I read a ton on SCH’s.  I felt pretty good.  Mine was decently small.  My baby should be okay.

But nothing is ever that easy.  My baby is not okay.

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Wednesday morning I had my follow-up.  I did my labs right at 7:00 a.m. – HCG came back at 7,616.  So, it dropped 269 points. 3.5%.  Not a large drop.  However, it dropped.  It shouldn’t be dropping.  It should be increasing. If I wouldn’t have had the lab work on Sunday I’d of thought this was good.  This number still showed a doubling of 78.2% and a doubling time of 57.6 hours.  Still acceptable and anticipated as the number goes up it won’t truly double.  BUT, I did have Sunday’s number and I did know that I actually dropped 269 points – with no rise.

Next up was an ultrasound a few hours later – No fetal pole was detected.  Just the gestational sac and yolk sac still.  However, now it measured 5 weeks 5 days.  The ultrasound tech explains this is normal and here they normally don’t see a fetal pole until 7 weeks.  The baby is only measuring 2 days behind which is good.  They can still see a clear yolk sac which is also good.  She doesn’t document a SCH.  Overall, it seems like everything is relatively okay.  However, I know it isn’t.  My baby should have grown more than 1 day over 2 1/2 days.

My doctor called me a little bit later – She explains we know nothing really.  She asks me about the bleeding more and wants descriptions.  I’ve now had more bleeding since Sunday.  There was the “gush” Sunday, followed by pink spotting.  Monday I had a “gush” at about 11:00 a.m. and again at 4:00 p.m.  Both following by brown spotting of old blood.  Tuesday everything seemed okay.  Until 5:00 p.m. when I again had a gush of blood followed by NOTHING.  Just a small brown discharge mixed with the progesterone discharge.  Literally, nothing really after.  Wednesday – all day – was good.  At least physically – mentally, I was a mess.  No blood.  Zero.  Zilch.  Then, about 8:00 p.m. – one small gush, basically just a few spots.  Nothing since.  So, basically every day there has been less and less blood.

The doctor says we truly don’t know at this point.  Some people have an HCG drop due to bleeding and then it’ll resume rising.  I could have a vanishing twin and that baby was contributing to the HCG and now there is a pause as only one baby is giving off HCG.  She stated there was still a reason to have hope and to not give up on this baby yet.  I’m to go back Friday – Repeat ultrasound and labs – If the ultrasound has shown even a 1 day growth and the labs have remained the same or increased we will wait a week and see what happens and repeat.  To give my body time to have the baby resume growing or the HCG to resume rising.  So, basically just wait and wait and wait.  She doesn’t know why the SCH would be gone already.  Maybe it all came out with the bleeding.  Maybe the u/s tech just didn’t document it well enough.  Nobody knows – but continue with the SCH restrictions.

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Max truly believes in the Vanishing Twin Syndrome theory.  That has been his theory since Sunday so he felt great having someone else confirm this was possible.  He’d ask both ultrasound tech’s about this.  Me – not so much.  I feel they’d of saw a slight glimpse of something for the vanishing baby.  They’ve saw nothing for that baby.  I’m not convinced that one ever existed.  And if it didn’t exist – then it’s not the reason my hcg has went down.  He’s holding out hope in a hopeless situation.  He’s praying for a miracle that I feel we’ve surpassed.

So, he had me give him blood again last night.  It was 13 hours since the last blood – This time my HCG was 7,543.  So, it dropped again.  But only by 73 points.  He states this is inconclusive.  His coworker agrees.  Seriously?  It’s not inconclusive – it is going down!  And THAT means my baby is DEAD.  She stopped developing.  She’s just forever a small, little blob of cells that have been reabsorbed by my body by now.  That’s it.  He’d like my blood again at lunch.  Okay.  Whatever.  Take it and see for yourself it’s probably down another 100 points if it’s going to keep declining at this slow rate.

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Tomorrow I’ll do labs again by 8:00 a.m. and ultrasound at 11:00 a.m.  We need to see numbers that remain above 7,000 – ideally, 8,000+ and a sac that measures at least 5 weeks 6 days.  I don’t expect to see either.  I’m anticipating if my HCG keeps dropping at the extremely slow rate it’s dropping – it’ll be 7,372 or less.  I expect the sac will measure 5 weeks 5 days or less if it’s begun to disintegrate.  I feel my baby has been gone since Sunday.

I don’t have the awful nausea I’ve been battling. A little bit, but not really.  That alone kills my hope.  I feel slightly crampy but I’ve felt that the whole time – yet, I think it could be worse – kind of like the feeling the day before your period comes.  My breasts are still sore, but not as much.  More likely just from the progesterone.  My moods are better – Now I’m just really, really sad but I don’t feel up/down like I was.

Realistically, it’s over.  Of course, there is some small part of me that is praying to God I’m wrong and this baby is okay.  However, the realist part of me – I know it isn’t.

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I’m sad… So freaking sad.  I was so hopeful this was it.  I had goals, dreams, hopes for this beautiful baby.  This was going to be amazing.  So, amazing.  Instead, I’m just waiting for someone to tell me I can schedule a D & C.  Because I don’t want to do this naturally.  I don’t want to be awake and passing my baby I’d prayed for.  I want to have the testing done to see what was wrong with this baby.  To know if it was a chromosome issue or if my body sucks THAT bad.  If it’s my body – I think I’m done.  If it’s chromosome – I still think I might be done.  I’m old – Will I ever get a healthy baby at this point?

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Of course, today is the first day of school – So my Facebook is flooded with “1st Day of School pictures”.  While I sit here thinking I’ll never get a first day of school for this baby or any other baby at this rate.  UGH.

CPS called while I was getting dressed from the ultrasound.  I listened to the voicemail and called back… This time is short term for a 16 year old girl.  She’s blown out of every foster home she’s been put in.  They keep trying to place her with her twin brother – which is the goal and ideal.  However, it’s not working.  With the trauma these kids have endured – I’m not surprised.  Keeping siblings together is the goal but sadly it is not always best.  Especially when you have kids that have been extremely groomed on what to do and how to be.  When you have a brother that was taught the males role is to control and abuse the females.  When the brother is now attempting to the exert the same control his father had and is winning as his sister has also been groomed to do as she’s directed.  So, yeah, the trauma just continues.

They’re looking for a group home placement and just need somewhere for her to land until that happens.  It generally takes awhile to get into one.  They’ve said if they cant find an in-state one they’ll submit to out-of-state.  The worker advised she just applied for in-state and is hoping she’ll hear within 2 weeks if they have any options.  This poor child is a victim of incest by both biological parents – abused both together and alone by BOTH parents.  She’s also a victim of sex trafficking – her parents allowed their “guests” to choose which child they wanted for money and/or drugs or their own sexual fantasies.  So, yeah, the kid obviously needs a lot of help, love, therapy.

In the meantime, we’ll just be hanging out.  Am I up for the challenge?  Uhhh, sure, why not.  My specialty seems to be special needs or asshole teenagers.  An angry teen?  Easy enough.  I’ve been told she’ll sneak out to smoke weed and lie.  Ummmm, smoking weed and lying about where she is going is the worst?  Okay, that is nothing.  This kid has lived through a hell most of us can never imagine – seriously, I’m amazed she’s only self-medicating with pot and poor friend choices and possible dangerous situations to herself.  Of course, she’s going to be have problems.  Every single person in the world would when the two people who should have protected them simply abused them for years and years and did unimaginable things.  The catch with traumatized teens – Don’t take it personal.  They don’t truly hate you.  They simply hate the cards they’ve been dealt, they’re use to pushing you away to avoid getting hurt.  It is what it is.  Sadly, so many homes aren’t trained in this and they disrupt the placement because the kid is too hard to handle.  Did they really think it would be easy?

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So, that’s that.  Of course I said yes to taking her.  I need a distraction from my own life.  I need something to ignore my own pain and heartbreak temporarily.  I need my baby’s room to not be empty.  The room I had grand plans of painting, decorating, making beautiful.  Filling it with a child that needs me while my own child is no longer going to be joining me on this earth – it’s what I can do for now.  It’s how I can channel my grief and hurt.

Maybe I’ll be surprised and find out my baby is still growing.  But in my heart, I know she isn’t.  I know she’s gone.