5w0d – This is rough.
Rough. That is one way to put my current feelings.
This pregnancy is WAY harder than I thought it would be. I am an absolute disaster. 150%. Ugh.
My body, mind, brain, emotions – it all hates me currently.
I had 5 days to taper off the Clonazepam as it isn’t safe during pregnancy. Also, no more Alprazolam. So, basically 14 year of benzos and boom – they are ALL gone. I didn’t think it would be that bad. Of course, I will do ANYTHING for this baby. I was happy to quit. I rarely took the Alprazolam anymore anyways. The Clonazepam was just to sleep… Well, I forgot WHY I started taking it to begin with. Forgot about the chronic catastrophic thinking. The chronic nightmares and insomnia. Today is the 4th day without it – the half life is going away – the feelings. They’re back. The anxiety is mind numbingly awful. The insomnia. Awful. Dreams. Awful. I did NOT think it would be this hard. From what I’ve read – withdrawal should peak at 2 weeks. So, 10 more days of this and it possibly getting worse? Ugh.
Catastrophic Thinking – It’s there. It’s big. It’s horrid.
All I can think about today is my baby could die. I’m terrified. Terrified of miscarriage. Terrified of missed miscarriage. Terrified of getting super excited and losing the sweet baby I’ve prayed for. Terrified that this baby is my only chance and if she dies this is over and there will be no baby ever. I keep trying convince myself that it’s okay, she’s okay, I can’t think that. Yet, it’s hard. So freaking hard.
I knew transferring a Mosaic Embryo had risks. I knew I had a risk she wouldn’t implant. Knew I had a higher risk of miscarriage. Yet, I still didn’t think it would be THIS level of terrifying. Seriously. I thought I’d be fine. I told myself even if it didn’t end well, I’d be happy to know I tried, happy to know I could even get pregnant. Well, I lied to myself. I didn’t realize I’d fall instantly in love with this tiny baby. I didn’t realize I’d be so scared for another human so quickly. How can you be so scared to lose someone you’ve never even physically met?
It’s freaking insane.
So, I’m assuming the pregnancy hormones added with the no drugs and being fully sober and nothing to take the edge off – It’s a recipe for disaster for the brain. HUGE recipe for mental anguish and disaster. Ugh.
I’ve cried enough today. It’s got to get better. It must.
Basically, I need to go back to thinking positive.
Next week – I have an ultrasound at exactly 6 weeks. I’m praying this sweet soul has a heartbeat already that is visible. She may. She may not. It’s on the bring of if you can see it or not. Ugh. The clinic wanted earlier though, so it’s still better than not. Then I’m assuming follow-up ultrasounds for a couple weeks. I’m wondering if I can negotiate staying a patient for like 5 more weeks. I don’t want to switch to my OB – I want whoever will give me weekly ultrasounds to show me she’s fine. Maybe daily. IDK. I don’t think I’ll breathe until 13 weeks when someone shows me she’s still there and healthy. Hell, maybe 20+ weeks.
The nausea – It’s been fabulous and awful. Pretty intense and constant. Today is better a little bit. Yesterday was another one of the worst days. But I almost think the better days are worse for me as then the anxiety begins getting strong that maybe it’s better because the baby died and HCG stopped. Ugh, yeah, I think I want to puke 24/7 to know my baby is okay or at least to hope my baby is okay.
I can’t say I have the exhausted pregnancy symptom – as I’m actually having pretty bad insomnia. I’m physically exhausted as I’m barely sleeping – but mentally, I’m not that tired at all. I keep hoping this is going to get better. Soon. I’d like to be exhausted and sleeping easily.
No other symptoms. Still doing shots. Taking extra medications. Just doing what I can to stay pregnant and praying it’s enough to create a health baby that manages to make it earthside.
So, I guess my next update I’ll have my latest HCG Results and 6 week ultrasound results. If you read this and you pray – just humor my paranoid self and pray baby is healthy with a great heartbeat next week. *sigh* I’m praying.