4w1d PREGNANT after IVF!

Seriously, I’m STILL pregnant.

It hasn’t ended.

Completed my first beta on Wednesday, 8/2/23, at exactly 4 weeks pregnant – 62.6.  I’d of liked it to be 100+, but 62 is okay.  I have to keep reminding myself that the number itself doesn’t matter as long as it’s basically above 30 or 50 (depending on where I read).  The part that matters is it’s approximately doubling every 48 hours.  I go back Wednesday, 8/4, to recheck beta and also check Progesterone, Estrogen and TSH.  So, I’m just hoping for 125 or more for HCG then.

This feels surreal.  After nearly two decades of infertility – I’m having a baby.  A real, legit baby.  So many negative pregnancy tests, so many OPKs, so many random attempts to make it happen, random things that *may* help.  Defeated months.  Tears.  Giving up.  Losing hope.  Having hope.  Repeat a nasty, long roller coaster.  I’m so thankful it didn’t work with my ex-husband.  He deserves nothing, he’d ruin his own child just as he ruined me.  Yet, I’m still sad it took this long, I’m sad I went through this hell.

I’m paranoid.  So, paranoid.  I go from moments of extreme excitement… In less than 36 weeks I’ll be holding my baby.  In 16 weeks or less I’ll be shopping like a fool and building a gorgeous, dreamy nursery.  Then, moments later, I remind myself I could lose this baby at any moment.  He or she may not be growing.  He or she may die. He or she may miscarry.  And then – then I’m sad and back in reality.  I’m terrified to do basically anything.  Like I’d just lay in a padded room for the next 36 weeks and feel safe if I knew that would be the game changer on keeping this baby alive.  *sigh* It’s going to be a long few weeks until I’m sure this baby is growing, has a heartbeat and is genetically okay.

Once I know if it was the girl or boy that stuck, I think I’ll feel better.  The boy has more risks and is far scarier if he’s the one growing.  I am pretty certain it’s the girl.  That makes the most sense.  I haven’t spent much time thinking it could be both.  That’s so doubtful.  I can do the “sneak peek” test as early as 6 weeks.  So, I’ve ordered that and will hopefully know the gender in about 3 more weeks.  That will give me a little peace.  I know I’ll have ultrasounds beginning by then also.  I’ve saw my clinic does 5, 6 and 7 week ultrasounds to check placement, growth, heartbeat.  Possibly an 8 week if I have any heartbeat issues, etc.  I don’t really care about the 5 week one as I know they will likely just see a sac and so many stress not being able to see a fetal pole, etc. that early.  I’ve also read that some ask to skip the 5 week and then they get 6, 7 and 8 weeks.  We will see what they say Friday and what they schedule.

Symptom wise – it depends on the moment.  I feel it’s getting better.  Which is even more terrifying.  However, maybe my body is adjusting to the HCG that it was NOT happy with.  I’ve got pretty severe nausea off/on.  Just some bloating/cramping/fullness feeling.  Some AWFUL lower back pain that began at basically the moment of implantation in my opinion.  Dying of being too hot.  Smells… oh my gosh, smells are awful.  Random need to eat in the middle of the night or drink orange juice.  Slightly more tired than usual.  Nothing too exciting or extreme.  It’s the need to puke that gets rough, but honestly I feel it was better yesterday and so far today.  Hopefully that continues.  As a pregnant teenager over 20 years ago I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum.  So, the moment I felt like puking far too early I feared this.  My doctor told me that once you had it your chance of getting it again goes up with each pregnancy.  I’m hoping the fact it’s been over two decades, I’m much older and much healthier – it’ll be okay.  We will see.

Of course, I want to shop.  So badly.  I’m not allowing myself to do much.  I put together a registry – not to share with others – but so I can slowly buy the things I want.  When I feel it’s safe for me to start buying obviously.  It gives me something to keep me occupied and happy.  13 weeks – I just need to make it there – and I’ll feel way better.  They say if you can make it past the first trimester your mosaic baby is probably healthy.  My mosaic baby is most definitely healthy.  She’s got to be.  (I will most definitely stress, a ton, if I find out it’s the boy.)

So, that’s that – 4 weeks 1 day.  A million more to go.

I’ll just do a weekly update to track life here and see how we go and where we end up.