2024 – A year of healing and growth to come.
So many are posting their resolutions throughout the various social media platforms. The great things they’re going to accomplish in 2024 – which some may accomplish. However, many will forget the resolutions after a few weeks and go back to the same shit, different day. Many others are posting about what they learned in 2023 and what they accomplished.
Me – I’m doing neither.
When I think of what I accomplished in 2023 – it begins with an obsession of creating a child. It ends with creating a beautiful baby girl who’s heart stopped as we hit the 2nd trimester. What I wanted to accomplish – to have my child – I guess I accomplished. I failed to add into that resolution that I wanted to bring her home safely. I left it to vague. I simply stated I wanted to be pregnant. Lesson learned, vague doesn’t help. Vague hurts like hell.
What I really did in 2023? I survived. I lived through some of the worst days in my life. I woke up to another day, when all I really wanted to do was to never wake up again. I didn’t pull the trigger, literally, in the moments that was all I could think of I gave away the gun.
In 2023, my accomplishment was: Remaining Alive. Surviving. Breathing. Letting myself break. Allowing myself to feel the pain. Learning how to grieve someone I didn’t know I could love so much. Gathering the shattered pieces of my heart and holding tightly onto them as I prepared for 2024.
I made it though. I made it to 2024. That is an accomplishment in itself as there were many dark moments I didn’t know if I’d make it to the next hour, much less the next day.
2024 – I have no crazy resolutions, no hopes, no plans. Nothing concrete. I learned last year how much achieving a vague resolution can actually hurt.
This year… I just want a year of healing and growth. I want to continue to glue together those pieces I brought into this year. The pieces that are so tattered, torn, shredded. Slowly, I want to return to finding me… The me that existed before the roller coaster and painful adventure of infertility treatments and loss. The me that existed decades ago before an awful marriage and years of domestic violence. I was just finding me when the infertility journey began. I’d just taken ten steps forward – only to take many steps backwards when I found the right person only to need IVF, only to learn I’d wasted too many years, only to learn our daughter had died.
I need to get those lost steps back and then take more steps in the right direction. Ending 2024 even one step ahead of where I began will be a win. Becoming the person I can be, the person I should be, the person I deserve to be. It’s time.
How did I end 2023 and begin 2024?
With last minute ticket buying and trip planning… A beautiful hotel room in downtown Minneapolis. Fabulous end zone tickets – watching the Packers win at US Bank Stadium. Hell. Yeah! It was a fabulous ending/beginning for me. My soul needed that. Desperately. The preparty was fabulous. The game was fabulous. Beer – amazing. Food in the area – great.
Max’s time at the game – not so great. He’s a Viking’s fan. They lost. Hard core. Up until that moment, I think he was having a great time. He wasn’t too impressed at that moment as now they’ve basically need 4 games with the right decisions to still be playoff eligible. I forget how insanely competitive he is. Green Bay winning was a HUGE plus for me. If they’d of lost, I’d of just had another beer and kept on going. Not Max, he was sad and totally ready to be done.
So, 2024 lesson already learned… Don’t be like Max. lol. Have fun in the moment, regardless the outcome. (He may still be pouting)
Now, I’m going to continue the year on the right track… Healing me. Growth that I desperately need. Travel.
That’s about my only goal – live in the moment, save money, travel. Where will I end this year? I have no idea – Anywhere but here.
Where do I want to travel to? I have NO idea – that is absolutely dependent on how much money I have. Ideally, to other countries but if that isn’t a financial option – then anywhere. Small, big. Fabulous. A cruise is on my list… I think I’ll begin planning for that as I bet I can hit a few places and things that way and it’s something I can plan/save for.
I did pay off the expenses I wanted from last year… I began 2024 with $0.00 in medical debt – that includes the debt I’ve been paying off for IVF and my daughter who didn’t make it to this earth. So, officially…. I can just pay for trips, save for trips, whatever I want….