2023 Goals and Creating a *new* Chapter Next

A new year…

I’m not a huge fan of “New Year Resolutions”.  How often do people actually stick to them?  That would be something interesting to read the statistics on.  I’m going to say like 10% or less.  If I really picked a number I’d go with 3%.  Yeah, I’ve got lots of “resolutions”.  No, I probably won’t follow many of them.  Let’s just make some goals instead.

1. Healthy Eating – I refuse to call this dieting.  I can’t diet to save my life.  Nope.  Negative.  No thank you.  However, I can work on eating better.  Our clinics main IVF doctor swears that Carnivore or Keto are the way to go and can help to create healthy embryos and implantation.  I’ve needed to do this forever.  I’ve just struggled… Have I mentioned I LOVE ice cream and pizza?  Love it so much.  I can still have them.  Just not a million times a day.  I did weigh myself and it seems I’m still down about 10 pounds since the last round of IVF.  No idea how.  Less beer?  Ideally, I’d like to stick to a carb cycling plan with weekly cheat days.  The last time I followed this I lost a ton of weight and kept it off until a medication change.  From the weight I was on the scale last – I’d love to lose 20 pounds this year.  30 would be even better.  But 20 is realistic.  Doesn’t seem like much, but when you’re short it’s a lot of extra weight.  And I cannot wait to feel better.
2. Be pregnant.  By the time this year ends I want to BE pregnant.  I don’t want another Christmas or New Years without the joy and anticipation of MY baby.  I’m really struggling on not just transferring our LLM.  I want her.  Daily I think this.  I’ve found some others that have recently transferred this exact LLM and guess what – healthy babies.  Imagine that.  I know she’ll be fine.  Yet, I get he’d like a male embryo as an option too which means we just need to do more retrievals.  I’m ready for 2 – 3 more.  I say 2, but the 4th within a year has a good discount.  So, if I’m doing 2 more I might as well add a 3rd.  When will I be ready for this?  I keep changing my mind.  Currently – April.  If I begin good food this month, the last of the supplements, etc. – They recommend doing this for 90 days.  But I’m not sure I’ll REALLY be ready in April.  It’s a busy month.  So, May?  Ideally, I could do retrievals in May, July and Sept and be ready for transfers after that.  Yet, if I wait that long I may want to hold off on transfers due to weather yet again.  I’m thinking another November transfer may be an option?  Don’t rush the process, embrace it.
3. Quit spending money.  Easier said than done.  I work two jobs as I like nice things.  But I also like to pay for all of these retrievals with cash.  Which means – I need to live like I’m broke if I’m planning that much.  I can do it.  Easily.  If I try.  Trying being the key word.  I figured out my January budget and I’m hoping that if I live cheaply I can put $1,000 into savings.  $500 is probably more realistic.  But $1,000 a month would be huge.  (And I need Max to start participating in my crazy saving adventures.)
4. Lose the anger – I feel myself so full of anger so often.  Little things set me off.  I just can’t stand stupid people really or stupid people with stupid choices.  I know part of it is anxiety.  I know cutting back on my meds is partially to blame.  At this point though, I’ve got to work on healthy coping mechanisms and tools.  I have to work on me and healing me.  Addressing the root of the issue and not just letting myself implode.  I need to find my calm, peaceful, happy place.
5. Finally – adding onto that.  Not letting it effect me if it isn’t my problem.  This is huge.  This is hard.  Far easier said than done.  I spend a lot of time upset or anxious over things I cannot control.  I have zero control over M’s parents.  I have zero control over my adult children.  I have zero control over my mother’s behavior/choices/actions.  I have zero control over new policies my job makes.  Zero control over coworkers.  I need to just chill, shake it off and enjoy the ride.

All easier said than done.  However, one step at a time.  A lot more therapy.  A lot more medical treatments.  A lot more staying home and not buying fun stuff.  It’ll be… fine.

One thing I’ve realized the last few days.  I have a LOT of memories I’ve never thought about.  Random things popping up.  All things to do with my mom.  It’s slightly insane.  Did her possible death diagnosis lead to all these sudden flashbacks?  Is all the therapy causing it?  Is it the group I’m in on Facebook for people with narcissistic parents and the comments I read that make me go “Oh yeah, she did that to me once”.  It’s bizarre.  I’ve spent a lot of time over the weekend reminding myself I’m NOT the one who should feel guilty.  So, I’m sure that’s digging up memories.

It’s easy to see the best in people when their time is limited or something bad happens to them.  I remember when my first husband died – I cried and was so sad.  Felt so guilty.  Like somehow I caused his death.  That leaving caused his heart to break.  I forgot about the pain he caused, the affairs, the mental illness, the alcoholism, how toxic we were.  Same with my divorce – all this time later I still have moments of guilt.  Though, I know in my soul he was an abusive, mean human.  I still feel like it was somehow all my fault some days.  It’s what I do.  It’s what has been engrained in me.

With that – I decided I’m going to make a *new* chapter.  Things my mom has done.  I have a feeling I’m going to need that over the next few months and years.  I fear I’m going to have to remind myself why I’m NOT the bad person.  Why I have NO control over how she is.  If you’re reading – watch out.  It may get crazy.  Absolutely, positively crazy.  I’m sitting here shaking my head at some of the things that have popped into it – No, I cannot believe some of it is really true and yet – it is.

Hopefully, in 362 days I can come back and cross off all these goals.  One can dream!