2005 vs 2018

Would I have believed in 2005 I’d be where I am today?  Never.

I made a Facebook post a few days ago.  It was simple.  The need to clean my house & be productive for the day.  Seriously, it was dirty & needed to be done.  My friend, N, replied with a to the point & true comment “2005 Heather would have never thought that 2018 Heather would be worried about her house or being productive”.  Gosh, how true.  It definitely made me stop to think.

2005 my house was a disaster.  Like should have been condemned half the time.  I didn’t care.  I was drunk/high 24/7.  Struggling to function as well as possible in public.  Failing more often than not.  It was such a vicious cycle those days.  I replied to him with a “2005 Heather lived off of Long Island Ice Teas, Jagerbombs & cheap beer. 2018 Heather values sleep & is quite boring.” He reminded me I lived off of far worse things than that.  Yes.  True.  But who wants to admit on facebook, to the public, that they were addicted to meth & only cared about themselves?  I’m an open book, but not quite that open at this point.  So, many have NO idea of that struggle & at this point I’m just not ready to share.  Maybe someday, but not today.

I’ve struggled more lately with the cravings than normal.  When they say you will always crave that initial high.  That you’ll spend eternity trying to recreate that first high.  Where you felt the highest.  And it’ll take more & more of the drug to even come close.  They aren’t lying.  After all this time I still miss it occasionally.  I still think about it.  Will I give in to these urges?  Will I go get high?  No, not today.  However, I honestly can’t say never.  I know recovery is one day at a time.  And I know we’re all one weak moment away from being high again.  As much as I’d love to say I’m invincible, I’m not.  I’m just like every other addict & alcoholic out there.  Today I can tell myself that getting high is the stupidest idea I’ve ever had.  However, I just can’t guarantee I’ll say that forever.

Sadly, that reality is hard to swallow.  To admit that something so horrid can so easily control your life.

Lately the occasional missing it has seemed more often, stronger, realer.  I’ve tried to stop & think why.  Why do I suddenly wish more often that I had that numbness?  What’s different?  I looked at the calendar today wondering why I have these sudden horrid triggers constantly.  In just 2 days Jamie will have been gone for 13 years.  13 years without one of the most beautiful baby boys I’ve ever met.  Gosh, he was amazing.  So, so, so amazing.  This is definitely a contributing factor.  My subconscious mind always remembers him.  Even when my conscious mind is just trying to survive.  After all these years I can still remember his smell, his smile, his soft baby skin, hear his jabbering.  I can tell you 13 years ago today we were cuddling.  The big kids had happy meals.  We watched a movie.  I rocked him to sleep even though I never did this.  He always just laid down.  I wanted to though.  He slept all night & I awoke to his endless baby jabber.  No crying.  Just happy to be awake.  If only I had realized that day would be the last day I saw his smile.  I truly, 150% loved that gorgeous baby boy.  I’ve went to the cemetery less the last year.  I have no idea why.  I use to live there.  Go constantly. But the last year I haven’t been able to drag myself there.  I should go tomorrow.  Maybe it’ll actually help.  Maybe it’s what I need.

After Jamie passed away my using got worse.  My need to self medicate.  Whether it be drugs or alcohol.  That pain was flipping horrid.  Pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  Escaping the pain was one my only goals.  Maybe I’ve never met this grief head on?  Maybe that’s why this last year has been even worse?  I’ve added in little to no drinking.  No black out drunk moments.  Zero self medication.  Forcing this grief to fully come to the service.  Yet, pushing it down, avoiding it, avoiding the cemetery, avoiding every ounce of it except his picture which I say hello to every single day.

Wow, maybe in just the effort of writing this I’ve walked myself through the problems & why the triggers are here?  Why I often wish I was high but know I can’t be.  Hmmmm, discovering yourself & facing your deep, repressed, horrid feelings is NOT easy but helps the world make sense.