probably autistic. im back

so.. it’s been ages. i’ve been on here before. then i left. lots of drama. but it’s better now.

lots of crazy stuff. im agoraphobic. ive been that way since 16. i have bad anxiety and i think im autistic.

i lived with my mother for some time as i went through a divorce and was trying to get my life together. im disabled. don’t make enough to live alone unfortunately. and i don’t really have friends. i have a hard time making them and keeping them. im a bit different than other people. i used to hate that. i kind of understand and accept it now. im also a people pleaser which gets me walked over. im trying to work on that. i have really bad anxiety and i constantly worry about what others think of me.

anyways in 2020 my mom passed away suddenly. she was in her 70s but still it was sudden. one moment she was fine and then the next she was forgetting me and losing her memory and then one day she was gone. i remember it like yesterday. september 19th i think. or 14th.. it’s all a blur sort of. but i remember her face.. mouth blue.. eyes closed.. she was just gone. my heart broke. my best friend. my rock. my mom was gone. i was left with my step dad.. he was to busy looking for other women to screw to care about anything though. eventually he left and my brother moved in so i could pay rent. it was just me and him for a while. then the landlord decided she was ready to sell the house. meaning the apartment we where renting. i was heartbroken. yes it was a place of sadness.. my mother passed there. but it was home. and now i lost my mom. my step dad and my home. we tried really hard to find a place to live. but everyone wanted perfect credit scores and money more than we could afford even together. for the first time in my life.. i was homeless. our family wouldn’t take us in. we had no friends. we where on our own. we where lucky to get vouchers to stay at a hotel for  a bit. it wasn’t bad. but still it wasn’t home. it still scares me. even though i have a place to live. it’s with my elderly father.. and im so scared. not because of him. even though we’ve never really gotten along. im scared of him dying. im scared if he passes i can’t afford rent. and i’ll be homeless again. this time in the streets not a hotel. that honestly scares me shitless. i dunno what to do honestly.

anyways if you read this thank you. i needed to vent. i’ll try to write regularly. life has just been crazy. i need a break.